A press conference will be held in Prague today to announce who’s going to take on the role of the next "Bond Girl." Actresses like Charlize Theron and Thandie Newton have already passed on the project, so it’s really anybody’s guess as to who it’s going to be. I’d like to offer a couple of suggestions, before it’s too late.
1) Katie Holmes – Now that she’s escaped Tom’s clutches, Katie’s the perfect choice. She has a new lease on life, she’s ready to let loose, and you know that anything the evil Bond-Villian throws at her won’t be nearly as scary as the stuff she’s seen at the Scientology Center these past 10 months. Now, granted she’s very pregnant, however if you’ve ever seen a James Bond movie you know that that probably won’t deter him from nailing her. Kinky pregnant fetish sex? Sounds like a job for Bond. James Bond.
2) Sienna Miller – We know this: she’s a feisty one. The girl’s a fighter (when confronted with the paparazzi or British nannies), and she doesn’t take any crap from anybody… except Jude Law.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have issued a statement that recent reports that they have broken up are "absolutely 100 percent false." That impressive level of certainty got me thinking about other things that were guaranteed 100 percent…
- OJ Simpson: "absolutely 100 percent not guilty"
- Robert Blake‘s son on Larry King: My father is "100 percent not guilty."
- L.A. Laker Kareem Rush about Kobe: "I’m going to stand by him and say that it’s 100 percent not true."
- P Diddy and J. Lo have split up: According to a representative, "It’s hilarious, but 100 percent not true." (Oct 12, 2000)
- Saddam Hussein: Won 100 percent of votes in a referendum for a new term in 2002.
I’m 100-percent convinced now.
We hope you were all able to block out the crushing agony of TomKat’s potential split long enough to enjoy a nice, romantic evening with your special someone.
However, if – for whatever reason – your Valentine’s evening just didn’t work out the way you’d planned, try following this amazing advice next year for the Best Valentine’s Day ever.
Kevin Haulihan had the BEST NIGHT EVER!
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This weekend Dick Cheney shot his 78-year old buddy in the heart while hunting quail in a densely wooded area. Meanwhile, it’s been reported that K-fed was also shooting guns with friends this weekend, but he chose to hunt in a residential, densely populated area. Amazingly he didn’t hurt a soul. And while Cheney dressed in his usual upper-crust uniform of khakis and a hunting cap, Federline et al. got in touch with their inner-soldier in fatigues and beanies. So who would make a better Vice President? After this weekend, K-Fed’s got the edge.
DENIAL: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE STATEMENT REGARDING TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES AND LIFE & STYLE MAGAZINE Los Angeles, CA (February 14, 2006) – In reference to a forthcoming cover story in the tabloid magazine Life & Style about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, it should be known that the story is 100% false. Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes are still engaged and are moving forward with their wedding plans, as well as planning for the arrival of their child. Despite the malicious fallacies put forth by Life & Style magazine, the couple is looking forward to a long and happy life together as a family.
BROKEN HEART (TIE): Hunter Shot by Cheney has Minor Heart Attack (CNN) & Tomkat is Over!?!? (BWE)
REASON TO GET WASTED TONIGHT: Bode Miller Disqualified (Chicago Tribune)
PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS READY FOR DEMOCRACY: Chinese Democracy to drop March 6? (Product Shop NYC)
WAY TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOUR OWN LAME VALENTINE’S DAY: Check out these poor souls (PostSecret)
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We’ve got a new clip of Dave Chappelle on Inside the Actor’s Studio. He dances with James Lipton and does a lot of other stuff too!
You spent the day working, we spent the day working for you! So here’s our summary of everything that happened today in the world of pop culture:
- Alex is worried what the breakup of TomKat will do for the universe.
- Bob gave you all the highlights from the international competition everyone’s talking about: the Westminster Dog Show. And other stuff, too.
- Can you tell what happened on the Bachelor at MySpace? Piper says yes!
- Photographers don’t take pictures of everything, but they’ll tell you about anything.
- "V" is for Vajayjay.
- Isaac Mizrahi has designed the costumes for a revival of Barefoot in the Park. Especially the panties.
- An episode of Two and a Half Men with Charlie Sheen faking epilepsy has epileptics angry. They wanted Ducky to be the one with epilepsy.
- March 21 has been set as the release date for LL Cool J’s album, "Todd Smith." Ladies love cool Todd.
- Leo DiCaprio to play Teddy Roosevelt? It’s no bull(moose).
It’s no surprise that Tom and Katie didn’t last. But what may throw you for a loop is who ended it. While Tom kept is baby-mama in a comatose state of obedience, judging from last month’s series of events I think it was Katie who put an end to this much-maligned relationship.
Lets take a look at what might have happened:
For more disturbing, sick, but still really funny cards, go to i-mockery. I wonder which one Tom is sending Katie today? I’m guessing it’s this one.