PROPPED UP: Please, Bell – Save Jessie!


Big ups to reader laughterkey for dropping this heeesterical fake trailer in which Jessie Spano is saved by her friends – and maybe the bell – from the horrors and indignities of herbal supplement stimulant addiction! And thanks to reader Damin for pointing us to Stuff Magazine’s related parody, SBTB: The Addiction Years.

SIZZLER: TomKat’s Prenup


tomkatLast year, Katie Holmes’ rumored starting salary for being Tom Cruise’s gal was $5 million dollars. But she’s shown so much initiative in her first year alone, by passively promoting Scientology, getting knocked up and even going the extra mile to follow Tom across the globe during the third term of her pregnancy, that the Cruise corporation decided to give her a raise.

Tom Cruise has reportedly given Katie a prenuptial agreement worth over $40 million. Sources say the actress will receive a trust fund of $15 million even if she doesn’t wed Cruise, and if she does she’ll earn another $25 million in the event of a divorce. Sure it’s a lot of money in a short amount of time, but based on her performance we think she’s earned every penny.

It’s Tom Cruise Takes Manhattan Day!


kingkong.jpgLast week we leaked Tom Cruise’s exclusive itinerary for today’s full-blown land, air and sea assault on our lovely New City of York. However, we’ve now received word that, because these plans have become so public, Tom has altered his route and schedule. Not to worry, though – we have also obtained his new itinerary, presented below:

2:30pm Arrive @ Rawhide Bar in Chelsea
212 8th Avenue
New York, NY

3-5pm Auditing and Cleansing @ Church of Scientology Celebrity Center
65 E. 82nd Street
New York, NY
Read more…

It’s May 3rd; What’s Up?


tv set.jpgWho’s getting kicked off of American Idol this week? After so many amazing episodes this season, how is South Park going to wrap it all up tonight? Can House save Omar Epps? Does anybody still watch Alias? Those are just a few of the questions that we’re going to have answered tonight, Wednesday, May 3rd. But here’s my question to you: What are YOU watching? Vote now! (Oh, and for the record, I think Elliot is getting the boot. You’ll see.)

Tom’s New Look


wartom1.jpgTom Cruise always sported the same motorcycle jacket and jeans look, designed to convince fans that he was young, dangerous and still really cool to the youngsters.

Well based on last night’s appearance on Dave Letterman and today’s appearance on Regis and Kelly, Tom’s got a new, more mature look. After testing the style in focus groups over several months, his team of experts have carefully designed a new outfit for a more paternal Tom: A slim-fitting suit with shirt, tie and v-neck sweater. Whether it’s grey and black (like last night)or white and blue(like this morning), Tom looks like a dandy, respectable older man and not the danger-zoned hero he was last year.

Sure he was wildly in love, in fact giddy with passion last year, but this year he’s a stately, cane-leaning, Wall Street Journal reading family man. We can’t wait till next year when he debuts his sweater vest, nurses’ shoes and walker.

(photo via Gawker)

While You Were Planning Your Own Impossible Mission



  • Erik Estrada and Loni Anderson will star in a new reality show where they tackle the jobs their famous characters played on TV. Estrada will work as a cop; Anderson an idiot.
  • Donna D’Errico has filed for divorce from her husband of 9 years, Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx. Friends say Sixx is excited about the opportunity to sleep with other women again. Openly.
  • Tests have revealed that Keith Richards suffered a small brain hemorrhage as a result of falling out of a coconut tree in Fiji. The test results shocked doctors, as they had assumed Richards ran out of blood and was running purely on heroin since the early 1980’s.
  • Elma G. “Pem” Farnsworth, the first person to ever appear on television, passed away last week. But don’t worry– she’s been practicing rolling over in her grave for years.
  • Teri Hatcher says Ryan Seacrest ended their relationship after their third date. He broke the news to her gently, but ruined the whole thing by signing off with a “Seacrest, Out!”
  • Mexican President Vicente Fox will reportedly sign a bill that makes cocaine, heroin, LSD, marijuana, PCP, and opium legal in Mexico. In a related story, Courtney Love is moving to Mexico.



CHTV.jpgOur drunken, sex-obsessed bros over at College Humor have been hard at work producing a funny TV show featuring in-depth coverage of important issues such as the first passed out guy getting drawn on, proper drinking game etiquette, and of course, lots and lots of boobies.


SIZZLER: Richards Interviewed about Locklear


denise and richieCheck out this new interview with Denise Richards, where the actress reveals how hurt she feels about Heather Locklear’s betrayal (huh?). According to Richards who’s been shacking up with Heather’s husband Richie Sambora, “Heather knows why and when her marriage ended with Richie.” Our guess is it was around the time when this picture came out.

Best Night Ever:Tuesday, May 2nd


It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, May 2nd! Alex Blagg is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including American Idol, House, Blow Out, and Wonder Showzen!

… Of The Day



  • INEVITABLE CAREER DECISION: Eddie Murphy is all ready to star in Beverly Hills Cop 4: Axl Gets His Pension. (The Sun)
  • THE NEXT KABBALAH: JuBu’s… they’re Jewish Buddhists. Not a Jewish clothing line competing with FuBu. (LA Times)
  • DEMI MOORE HEADLINE FROM THE FUTURE: Woman, 104, takes man, 33, as husband No. 21 (CNN)
  • FALSE START: After telling fans they should “expect something special” for weeks, Janet Jackson disappointed everybody by posting a lame cover of the song “Weekend” on her website. Twenty-four hours later, the track has been taken down and replaced by a note explaining that “Weekend” is not a single and won’t be on her next album. Um. Thanks for that “special” treat, Janet. Maybe you should just stick to just whipping your nipples out. (Mediatakeout)
  • ANIMAL DOPPELGANGER: Paris Hilton — Proboscis Monkey (Gallery of the Absurd)