A Letter from Daniel Craig

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BWE has obtained a letter written by Daniel Craig (the new Bond) to his fans.  Here it is, unedited.

Daniel_craig_1

Dear Bond Fans,

The initial consensus seems to be one of overwhelming disapproval in regards to my casting as the new 007.  I completely sympathize with your outrage.  I will freely admit that I have no right to be playing this part.  Let’s be honest, I’m not really attractive.  If I walked by myself on a street I probably wouldn’t check out my own ass.  So there goes that qualification.

My resume didn’t really suggest that I was right for the part either.  I’m actually struggling to name three movies that I was in.  The English Patient?  Let me check IMDB.  Nope, Ralph Fiennes.  Hmmmm.  I had to be in some super British movie like Love, Actually.  Um… no, actually. Hmm. Ah, it turns out my big British movie was Elizabeth (you know with Cate Blanchett). That works.  Hey, it says here that I was in Road to Perdition! Cool!

So why am I Bond? Well, do you think it’s easy making a career out of tricking people into thinking you’re attractive and getting Jude Law’s woman to leave him? Actually… yeah, it kind of is.

Anyway, who the hell was Pierce Brosnan before Goldeneye?  Remington Steele was like 30 years ago and Mrs. Doubtfire and The Lawnmower Man aren’t exactly Citizen Kane either, if you know what I mean. Hell, they’re barely even Layer Cake.  And THAT’S saying something.

Well, regardless of your “opinions” I’m Bond. James Bond. And you’re gonna have to deal with that.

Regards,

Daniel Craig

(I think that’s how I spell it)

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Jason_lckiss1

Anyway, a tiny peck was exchanged between the two, but mostly this private pool party was all about the bashful smiles. Why didn’t Jason step up and jam his tongue down her throat? Surely that’s his style. Or is it? You just know a jealous Cedric was in the bushes, sharpening a blade, cursing LC’s name. Beware the jilted lover, LC. Beware…

TVGasm is all up on the Laguna beat. Read this week’s recap here.

What’s with these Laguna kids??? They need to expand their social circle and stop hooking up with one another. Let’s hope nobody gets mono, because that would definitely ruin the chances of there ever being a Laguna Beach III.

Wednesday Morning Quick Hits

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Shatner_2

Katie Holmes to get free wedding dress. David’s Bridal surrenders.

Woman gives birth while reality TV show’s cameras roll. Child to be
named "Truman," put in huge dome modeled after utopian city, filmed
unwittingly for remainder of life.

William… *Shatner*
takentohospitalwithbackpain.



Khhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

Ashton Kutcher is producing a sitcom pilot based on his relationship
with Demi Moore. Preliminary casting has Bea Arthur playing Demi and
that kid from "Jerry Maguire" portraying Ashton.

BBC announces New TV Series: Queer Eye For The Time Lord Guy.

Daniel
Craig
being received like next George Lazenby by Bond fans. Arriving to
press conference
in speedboat while wearing lifejacket not very 007.

Rick
Springfield

   returning as Dr. Noah Drake on "General Hospital."
Apologizes to cast & crew for letting success of "Jessie’s Girl" go
to his head.

Tom
Sizemore
nailed Paris Hilton, can keep it up all night and sleeps with
4 women at once. Leaping tall buildings next on his to-do list.

Tuesday Afternoon Quick Hits

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Fantasia

Couple seeks removal of Fantasia signs. Sorcerer’s apprentice unavailable for comment.

Your adolescent dream of Princess Peach making out with Mayor McCheese
turns out to have been a startling premonition to a wi-fi deal Nintendo
signed with McDonalds today. Haley Joe Osment sees obese people.

Producer Janet Morrison spends four hours each day adapting ‘Guiding
Light’
to podcast audio format so soap fans can learn the latest about
baby Hope’s kidnapping on their iPods….not only do I hate technology today but I hate the world…and I have Janet Morrison to thank for that.

Disney launches vintage bling for grown ups, including crystal-studded Mickey Mouse T-shirt costing $1,400. The hate is strong with me this morning, as I just added Disney to the axis of evil list.

Members of ABBA in court over Money Money Money. Claim The Race Is On
to settle. Don’t want this to be their Waterloo. and yes, Fernando is unavailable
for comment.  Oh…I went there.

Tuesday Morning Quick Hits

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Cameron_diaz_and_gel

Cameron Diaz says if she hadn’t become an actress, she probably would have been, like, you know, a scientist.

A panel of 40 magazine editors, artists and designers  have come to the conclusion that they really like seeing John Lennon naked.

New comedy based on the life of a Homo erectus begins casting. Commence sophomoric snickering at the term Homo erectus now.

After helping Cameron Crowe create one bomb, Kirsten Dunst will portray the victim of another.

Despite warnings of repeated Toga malfunctions, the BBC will go ahead and screen its Rome drama uncensored.

There are mathmaticians on The Simpsons writing staff, no doubt attracted to the job by the acting and the groupies and the "Luke, Luke, save me" with the lightsaber and the vwing, vwing, vwing.

Monday Afternoon Quick Hits

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Vertmarykateolsenap

Ted Koppel to be replaced by a 3 anchor team on "Nightline". No word on which one will take over his hair.

Pete Doherty
to visit Kate Moss in rehab. What could possibly go wrong?

Vikings hire FBI agent to keep their barbaric behavior to a minimum. In a related story, FOX planning new show: "The V-Files".

Deep fried strawberries are probably not what the doctor had in mind when he recommended you eat more fruits and veggies.