You know, when the Kid Rock-Scott Stapp sex tape showed up yesterday and took the World Wide Web (Information Superhighway) by storm, it seemed like every blogger in the world had some kind of sarcastic, "Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth" reaction to the preview clip. Your first thought might even have been something like, "Gross, I don’t want to see this!" That would be a big mistake.
Personally, I happen to think this has the potential to be the greatest Celebrity Sex Tape yet. I mean, not since Pam and Tommy’s Love Boat have we heard anything as undeniably genius as Stapp’s turning to the camera and unironically declaring, "It’s good to be the King".
You know, as the lead singer of a Christian band, maybe this is Scott’s way of emulating Jesus’ controversial decision to hang out with Mary Magdalene, a Biblical woman of ill repute. Though I definitely don’t remember any Bible verses where Jesus says, "It’s good to be the King of Kings."
Anyway, this got me thinking about other Celebrity Sex Tapes I’ve seen, and things I’ve learned from them…
In this week’s issue, the magazine is just reminding the actress that she’s almost 40. It’s not bad enough that she’s now "living in a small rented beachfront home in Malibu, Calif." They also want her to know people have talking about her. I mean some one even said, "She’s almost 40, and she has no husband, no baby and no Oscar. I think it’s a scary time for her."
Look, Star is just worried about her that’s all. And would it kill her to pick up the phone and call sometimes?
Not only is she a great actress, a beautiful woman, very smart, and apparently a good mother, but Julianne Moore can talk basketball with Samuel L. Jackson! Plus, she loves American Idol and even called in to vote during the first season! (Yes, I’m watching The View.) By the way, she totally ruled in The Ladies Man. You should check it out.
Vice President Dick "Buckshot" Cheney kept his word to the inmates at California’s maximum security Folsom State Prison. He played a one hour set with his band "Dickie and The Trigger Happy Birdie Killers". The set received a luke warm reception until Cheney launched into his new, as yet unreleased, single "Go F***Yourself". During the guitar solo the Vice President thrilled the assembled audience by producing a rifle and opening fire. "He seems angry. Very angry" one inmate said "I mean, I always thought that the American people didn’t like to vote for angry people but…Man, that dude is angry!" I managed to obtain a tape of the performance and am proud to present it here….
Okay, I realize I’ve posted a lot about Dick Cheney this week… some might say I’ve made more bad Dick jokes than Jay Leno… but cut me some slack, it’s not every day the Vice President shoots a man in the face. At least, I don’t think it is. We’ll never really know.
I need help again. How many times have you heard in a movie: That’s crazy. So crazy, it just might work! Okay, you don’t here that many times any more, but I was thinking, What are some actual things that were so crazy that they worked? I’ll start: Ashlee Simpson. Not particularly talented, not particularly pretty, already has a famous sister (who is talented and pretty). You would have to be crazy to think you could make her a star. But lo and behold, she’s a big star and has even appeared on the covers of fashion magazines. So what else can you think of that was so crazy that it worked?
If anyone managed to catch MTV’s Fat Camp, a reality show that takes place over a summer at a Poconos weight loss camp, you may have noticed it’s hard to be fat and in high school. But it’s even harder when you have a camera following you around when you’re getting undressed.
In last night’s MTV special, the directors and producers got a little too documentary-style when it came to profiling these obese kids. They featured lots of unflattering bathing suit shots, followed one heavy-set girl around while she was buck naked and employed the Celebrity Fit Club method of weight loss display, dressing the kids in skivvies to reveal their bulging bodies before and after. All in all, pretty much a fat high school kid’s worst nightmare.
While the show taught me that fat kids have the same problems as skinny kids (except they’re also fat), it seems that these kids now have another problem: the whole world has seen them half-naked. MTV just may have guaranteed these kids a year’s worth of painful, public wedgies.
REASON TO ASSUME THAT J.J. ABRAMS IS CRAZY: He doesn’t think Tom Cruise is crazy (SciFiWire)
REASONS NOT TO SMOKE: Employers hit smokers in the wallet (CNN); California city passes no smoking outside (The Acorn)
REASON NOT TO WATCH PORN: Kid Rock & Scott Stapp… together at last (The Bastardly)
REASON FOR GEEKS TO PICK UP THE NEW MAXIM: Veronica Mars, naturally (Maxim Online) ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE JILL SOBULE BESIDES THE FACT SHE ‘KISSED A GIRL’: Her Dick Cheney hunting song (The Huffington Post)