The Hooters Employee Handbook

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Hooters_girl

"Only approved Orange Hooters Girl Shorts are to be worn, sized to fit,
and should NOT BE SO TIGHT THAT THE BUTTOCKS SHOW."
[ Continue reading @ the smoking gun]

Things I’ve learned from reading this handbook include the following:

1) Smiling is super important (because Hooters patrons really care about your inner beauty).
2) Socks also are super important (because nobody likes a stinker).
3) Tongue rings are bad (because they aren’t selling sex, they are selling b00bies…?)
4) bras are good (I think it should be on an individual basis…but I’ll let this one slide).
5)men work at hookers(?)

I didn’t know that last one. See, you learn something new every day. Now if I can just find myself boobies, I can hand in my application and get my smiling on.

Afternoon Quick Hits

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Laraflynnboyle_300x435

Renee says Kenny didn’t want kids. "This is an incredibly sad time. I
just hope everyone can respect the privacy that I know Renee has asked
for, plus, I don’t have a penis."

Tori Spelling is soon to be free from her failed marriage. In somewhat unrelated news,  Prince Charles  is thinking of trading in for a younger horse…

Lara Flynn Boyle now regrets being such an advocate against plastic surgery, because she’d really enjoy a bigger set of breasts. Did someone tell her that eating food also tends to help make one’s body develop properly?

Nude Loch Ness swimmers give up; realize it’s a bad idea to wiggle the worm at Nessie.

Hiltons have nothing

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Paris3597945


Fashion legend Valentino, proves yet again to have exquisite taste. When asked about whether or not he would design the wedding dress for Paris Hilton he responded "No, I don’t like her. She is marrying the son of a
friend of mine. They have billions. She is vulgar, and she is not even
pretty."
He then took a quick jab at her whole family stating that "The Hiltons, they have nothing."

Hmm. Valentino is a very…very smart man. A very smart man with great insight… A very smart man that may not have a hotel to stay in when visiting North America and will most likely not be in Paris any time soon. [NYpost article]

Monday Morning Quick Hits

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00002216_kate

Kate Moss‘ coke habit led to lesbian romps with British actresses;
now why couldn’t the tabloids have video of THAT? Until I see proof, I
refuse to believe that supermodels live lives of drugs, sex, and rock
& roll.

Next James Bond movie: "He’s 28: no Q, no gadgets." What’s next? No alcohol or women either?  Is this a Mormon bond? This is going to be the worst. bond. movie. ever.

Vince Neil
forgets to take his "Keith Richards immortality pill" and breaks a leg on stage. No really… he broke his leg.

Tyra Banks 
takes bra off on TV to prove they’re real…and perfect.

Cletus expects January rap album release "to sell 1 million copies
within the first month", pigs to fly through frozen hell (second story).

World’s first face transplant
will occur in the next few weeks.  John Travolta and Nicholas Cage unavailable for comment.

Cynthia Lennon continues to kick John’s balls in, this time in book form.

Aye matey, today be national talk like a pirate day.

92-year old man hits major jackpot at a casino for the second time, plans to get a trophy wife and a year’s supply of Depends.

Best of Monday Linkage

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2679657


Bill Gates and Napoleon Dynamite
– "The Microsoft bigwig teamed up with Napoleon Dynamite in this spoof
video from PDC 2005. The camera’s a little shaky, but you get the idea." Nice camera work, gawwwwwd.

Fatbot

Fatbot – With or without the invention of web cameras this guy will still have difficulty scoring a date.

Scare_me


Scare Me - Pretty much pointless indeed but I laughed and so did satan. (may not be safe for work due to language)


Butterflies


Butterflies swimming in the sea
– haha. ha. Oh. This hits too close to home.


Bathroom_bonding


Bathroom Social Club – It’s hard not to feel vulnerable (and perhaps stupid) when your pants are around your ankles.


Iron_breakfast


Breakfast  fortified with iron – I am so trying this out tomorrow morning…you kids rule.

Emmy Flashbacks

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Somehow it didn’t seem like a complete waste of time watching the Emmy Awards this year. Maybe it was the occasional Family Guy clip or William Shatner singing the Star Trek theme song but it could have been so much worse. Star Jones could have been our host. Anyway, Oh No they didn’t has all the emmy recaps you can handle.

Emmy Arrivals

More Emmy Arrivals

Emmy ‘Idol’ Downloads

Emmy award time

Emmy Hair


Kristen Bell Performance

If you missed out about find out about all the winners and losers.

Also check out TVgasm’s Emmy Award Live Blogging transcript.

Finally, Something I Can Get Behind…

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Jennifer_love

TO: JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

The names listed below have signed this virtual petition because they have yet to follow the dialogue or plot of a single cinematic/televised event you have appeared in, largely because they’ve been too busy staring at your unfortunately always-covered rack.  They’re sure you take pride in your craft, but the fact remains:  the roles and films you’ve chosen, your acting skills and camera presence… no one gives a s*** about any of that.  We just want to see your boobs. [continued]

The guys at Gorillamask are fed up with Jennifer Love Hewitt’s antics. Stop making bad movies and TV shows, start showing us your ta ta’s.

Check out the petition here. Unfortunately, the signature period has already closed so you can’t sign it. But you can check out the 2,700+ who have. Nice.