Tis The Season

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I thought people were supposed to couple up for the holidays… not break up.

Nick & Jess, dunzo. Britney & Kevin, fighting. Elisha Cuthbert & her ugly ex-fiance, on a break. Richie Sambora & Heather Locklear, could be having problems. Brad & Jennifer, still divorced. You get the point.

Applegate

Well, today it’s time to add another celebrity couple to that list: Christina Applegate & The Guy from That Thing You Do. Citing "irreconcilable differences," the couple filed for divorce on Monday after four years of marriage. In the process, they broke my into into a million pieces / like they always do.

So it’s going to be a lonely Christmas for yet another Hollywood star. And The Guy from That Thing You Do. Awh.

When Britney’s Away…

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Now that Nick & Jessica are dunzo, the media has decided to focus their attention on breaking up Britney and Kevin. It was reported the other day that Britney threw Kevin out of the house because his "weedman" (that’s Feder-lingo for "drug dealer") was hanging around the baby. Now, throwing Kevin out of the house as "punishment" is kinda like suspending a kid from school for cutting class. "Wait a minute… you mean I have to go out? And not come back?? Awesome!" Actually, he wouldn’t say awesome. He’d probably say "Phat!" You get the point.

Britney also decided to teach Kevin a lesson by returning his Ferrarri to the dealership. But you know what that means? Now Kevin never has to be the designated driver. Score another one for the Federline!

I hope Britney decides to let the whole thing slide and allows Kevin to come back home. Because once those two split up, the media is sure to start going after Christina Aguilera and her new hubby… and they haven’t even got back from their Honeymoon yet! So please Britney and Kevin– stay together… if not for yourselves, and if not for your baby… do it for X-Tina. She needs you.

Big in ’05 indeed

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Catch the Big in ’05 Awards? Don’t worry, if you missed it I’m sure VH1 will replay it another 4,322 times before 2006 begins.

Perez Hilton was at Mekhi Pheiffer’s after party, along with Paris Hilton, Stavros Niachros and… Jaleel White? Huh??  Let’s hope for a sex tape.

Check out all the Perez Hilton goodness here.
And imagine a Paris-Stavros-Urkel threesome ending with Jaleel standing up, pointing at Paris and asking, "Did I do thaaaat?" Carl Winslow would be so proud.

Paul Scheer’s Thanksgiving Experiment

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On Thanksgiving, I asked people to Submit The Most Ridiculous, Racist,
or Obscure Thing That a Member of Your Family said Said at the Dinner
Table.

The Responses were Overwhelming.

The worst one?

"And P.S. there was no such thing as slavery! The blacks came here for the free welfare!"
-Scary Old Relative as she’s leaving our house.

Wow. Read them all here
.

Quick Hits

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Sambora

Despite what you may have heard, a hot 19-year-old college co-ed was NOT the reason Nick and Jessica split up. Many hot 19-year-old college co-eds were the reason Nick & Jessica split up.

Sarah Jessica Parker insists she never received any complimentary sex toys while working on "Sex In The City."  Mario Cantone has no comment.

Are Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora really having marital problems? Umm, did Tommy used to work on the docks?

Sorry ladies: Marilyn Manson has tied the knot. No, this isn’t another drug story– he got married.

In a last ditch effort to make it in the states, Robbie Williams decides to earn some street cred and get shot 9 times by beefing with 50 Cent.

And finally, eight national movie theater chains have agreed to make their theaters more accessible for the blind and the hearing impaired. In other news, "Just Friends" has finally found an audience.

Dane Cook on SNL

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This is why SNL needs more comedians to host. Just check out Dane Cook’s monologue from this week’s show. No awkward audience interaction (anybody remember when Nancy Kerrigan hosted?) No relying on cast members to make the host tolerable (I’m looking at you, Lindsay Lohan). And no unwarranted Lorne Michaels cameos (too many to mention). Just comedy. Good stand up comedy. I hope you were taking notes, Jack Black– you’re on deck.

Watch Dane’s monologue here.