Even though he’s been dead for thousands of years, History’s Original Delivery Guy, Moses himself, seems like he just might be having the Best Week Ever!
First of all, this week marks the beginning of Passover, in which the jews honor Moses for helping free them from Egyptian slavery by having a long, confusing meal. And this weekend Christians are celebrating Easter, which doesn’t really have anything to do with Moses, but he’s in the Bible too, so that has to count for something.
Next, ABC is airing a very special, very unnecessary re-make of the classic film The Ten Commandments, which is all about my man Moses receiving the holy law from God, forever rendering American Idol as sinful as it is addictive (rule #1, yo).
And perhaps most importantly, the lead singer of Coldplay and his movie star wife named their newborn son "Moses", maybe after the song from his band’s live album, but probably after the Old Testament figure in question. Either way, dude’s having a pretty good week – way to go, Moses!
Oscar loves nothing more than movie stars flexing their thespian muscles in roles in which they must transform their beautiful selves into human trainwrecks, painstakingly mimicking the speech and behavioral patterns of the disabled, drug-addled, homosexual, mentally ill, plain ugly, etc. This year some lucky actress gets to add "non-responsive vegetative person who can’t speak or move" to this hallowed list of Oscar bait as Hollywood has decided the time is finally right for the Obligatory Terri Schiavo Movie. You can bet every agent in Tinseltown is on the horn right now, desperately trying to convince the studios that their starlet is the perfect candidate for the role of America’s most famous unconscious person. Here are my picks for the best casting choices:
Why Her? Knowing how Hollywood likes to "sex things up" a bit, what better way to do so than the aging warhorse that is Sharon Stone’s genitals? Just think about all the possibilities for the soon-to-be-infamous "changing the bed pan/legs crossing" scene.
Everybody’s favorite saliva-spittin’, Flavor Flav lovin’, possible– scratch that– probable lesbian from Flavor Of Love, Pumpkin, is back.
actress musician artist celebrity human being gave an exclusive interview to Media Take Out and "answers the questions that you’ve been dying to ask." Yes!
Is she a lesbian? Is she sorry about spitting on New York? Did she have sex with Flavor Flav? Where can I get a clock like that and when will she go away already? Okay, maybe not the last two… but she’s all over the other ones. Listen to it here.
Okay, I had to post a link to this video because it contains two of my favorite things in the world.
1. The Red Sox losing miserably
2. Nintendo’s RBI Baseball
This guy spent lord-knows how many hours mashing up the classic 8-Bit Nintendo video game with the famous game-ending sequence from Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. You remember that, Red Sox fans, right? The one where Mookie Wilson hit a slow ground ball through the legs of first baseman Bill Buckner? Ring a bell? Well, if you’re a baseball fan, an RBI Baseball fan, or if you just like watching stuff on the internet to avoid doing work, click here now. Oh, and be sure to forward it to your friends in Boston. Link thanks to Deadspin.
It’s the "year of the queer"! Finally!
Joseph R. Gannoscoli, better known to Sopranos fans as Vito (and better known to Celebrity Fit Club fans as That Fat Guy, Joseph Gannoscoli) did his part in last night’s episode of the hit HBO drama to make sure we don’t forget the Year of the Queer anytime soon. The rotund mobster was caught dancing it up in a gay club wearing an outfit that was so over-the-top it would make the Leather Guy from the Village People stop short and say, "Wow, that is gaaaaaay." (In case you missed it, you can see a clip on last night’s Best Night Ever podcast)
After watching last night’s episode, I’m going to agree that it is the Year of the Queer. Though somebody should probably tell the Department of Corrections in Massachussetts, where a corrections officer is being discliplined for showing the movie Brokeback Mountain to inmates. One offended prisoner turned away from the screen mumbling "Jeez, that is the gayest thing I have ever seen. Well… on second thought…"
According to New York Magazine, Brad and Angelina’s incumbent baby is the most anticipated birth since Jesus Christ. That’s not an easy pill to swallow, if you’re Brad’s ex- girlfriend and an expectant mother yourself. It kinda makes your baby feel like chopped liver.
But quick thinking Gwyneth has come up with a solution. She named her brand new baby boy, born this weekend, Moses. Sure Jesus was a savior, but Moses belongs to the chosen people. Suck it, Brad.
What better way to enjoy the arrival of spring’s beautiful weather than spending your weekend crouched in the darkness of your local multiplex. Here are the top 5 movies you forked over your hard-earned money to see:
1. Global warming is cute and hilarious so long as it only happens to fuzzy little animals who sound like Ray Romano – $34.5 million
2. Deuce Bigelow, Joe Dirt and Napoleon Dynamite form a dream-team of unfunniness and pound you over the head for an hour and a half with a big bat made of half-baked fart jokes cut out of Adam Sandler’s last movie – $20.5 million
3. Another movie in which an idealistic teacher must use unconventional methods to get through to violent, unruly inner-city high school students
takes the lead opens in third place to mediocre numbers – $12.7 million
4. Spike, do the right thing and just stop – $9.2 million
5. If only the movie could be as deliciously clever as the title – a pun AND a number turned over to look like a latter. Who says Hollywood is out of ideas? – $7.1 million
Who would’ve thought that Pamela Anderson would one day transform into the Old Chick at the Strip Club? You know, the one stripper who doesn’t feature dance because her back can’t take the pole slides anymore. The one who just meanders around the bar smoking cigarettes and asking anybody within earshot "Who wants a dance? Anybody want a dance?" One of your friends will lean in and tell you that she’s the best one to spend $20 on for a lapdance because she’s got something to prove, but looking at her you realize that it would just make you sad to see her grinding up and down on your leg. And it’d be kind of gross too. So instead you turn your attention to one of the younger, prettier girls in the club and do your best to stop thinking about her. But that night when you get home you wonder about the Old Chick at the Strip Club. Where she’s going, what she’s doing, and how much longer she’s going to subject herself to that unforgiving lifestyle. Whoever thought Pamela Anderson would some day get to that point?
Oh. Everybody? Nevermind then.
[more pics from Pam’s one-night-stand as a Pussycat Doll over at Hollywood Tuna. If you dare.]