Afternoon Quick Hits

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Renee says Kenny didn’t want kids. "This is an incredibly sad time. I
just hope everyone can respect the privacy that I know Renee has asked
for, plus, I don’t have a penis."

Tori Spelling is soon to be free from her failed marriage. In somewhat unrelated news,  Prince Charles  is thinking of trading in for a younger horse…

Lara Flynn Boyle now regrets being such an advocate against plastic surgery, because she’d really enjoy a bigger set of breasts. Did someone tell her that eating food also tends to help make one’s body develop properly?

Nude Loch Ness swimmers give up; realize it’s a bad idea to wiggle the worm at Nessie.

Hiltons have nothing

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Fashion legend Valentino, proves yet again to have exquisite taste. When asked about whether or not he would design the wedding dress for Paris Hilton he responded "No, I don’t like her. She is marrying the son of a
friend of mine. They have billions. She is vulgar, and she is not even
pretty."
He then took a quick jab at her whole family stating that "The Hiltons, they have nothing."

Hmm. Valentino is a very…very smart man. A very smart man with great insight… A very smart man that may not have a hotel to stay in when visiting North America and will most likely not be in Paris any time soon. [NYpost article]

Monday Morning Quick Hits

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Kate Moss‘ coke habit led to lesbian romps with British actresses;
now why couldn’t the tabloids have video of THAT? Until I see proof, I
refuse to believe that supermodels live lives of drugs, sex, and rock
& roll.

Next James Bond movie: "He’s 28: no Q, no gadgets." What’s next? No alcohol or women either?  Is this a Mormon bond? This is going to be the worst. bond. movie. ever.

Vince Neil
forgets to take his "Keith Richards immortality pill" and breaks a leg on stage. No really… he broke his leg.

Tyra Banks 
takes bra off on TV to prove they’re real…and perfect.

Cletus expects January rap album release "to sell 1 million copies
within the first month", pigs to fly through frozen hell (second story).

World’s first face transplant
will occur in the next few weeks.  John Travolta and Nicholas Cage unavailable for comment.

Cynthia Lennon continues to kick John’s balls in, this time in book form.

Aye matey, today be national talk like a pirate day.

92-year old man hits major jackpot at a casino for the second time, plans to get a trophy wife and a year’s supply of Depends.

Best of Monday Linkage

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Bill Gates and Napoleon Dynamite
– "The Microsoft bigwig teamed up with Napoleon Dynamite in this spoof
video from PDC 2005. The camera’s a little shaky, but you get the idea." Nice camera work, gawwwwwd.

Fatbot

Fatbot – With or without the invention of web cameras this guy will still have difficulty scoring a date.

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Scare Me - Pretty much pointless indeed but I laughed and so did satan. (may not be safe for work due to language)


Butterflies


Butterflies swimming in the sea
– haha. ha. Oh. This hits too close to home.


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Bathroom Social Club – It’s hard not to feel vulnerable (and perhaps stupid) when your pants are around your ankles.


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Breakfast  fortified with iron – I am so trying this out tomorrow morning…you kids rule.

Emmy Flashbacks

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Somehow it didn’t seem like a complete waste of time watching the Emmy Awards this year. Maybe it was the occasional Family Guy clip or William Shatner singing the Star Trek theme song but it could have been so much worse. Star Jones could have been our host. Anyway, Oh No they didn’t has all the emmy recaps you can handle.

Emmy Arrivals

More Emmy Arrivals

Emmy ‘Idol’ Downloads

Emmy award time

Emmy Hair


Kristen Bell Performance

If you missed out about find out about all the winners and losers.

Also check out TVgasm’s Emmy Award Live Blogging transcript.

Finally, Something I Can Get Behind…

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TO: JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

The names listed below have signed this virtual petition because they have yet to follow the dialogue or plot of a single cinematic/televised event you have appeared in, largely because they’ve been too busy staring at your unfortunately always-covered rack.  They’re sure you take pride in your craft, but the fact remains:  the roles and films you’ve chosen, your acting skills and camera presence… no one gives a s*** about any of that.  We just want to see your boobs. [continued]

The guys at Gorillamask are fed up with Jennifer Love Hewitt’s antics. Stop making bad movies and TV shows, start showing us your ta ta’s.

Check out the petition here. Unfortunately, the signature period has already closed so you can’t sign it. But you can check out the 2,700+ who have. Nice.

Friday Quick Hits: They Come From the Land Down Under

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Sweden is gearing up to celebrate Greta Garbo’s 100th birthday, despite her passing away 15 years ago. Meanwhile, we here at Best Week Ever would like to wish Louis XIV a happy 367th birthday today!

Adraiaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn!!!!! Rocky to lose his wife in Rocky VI. It’s expected to be his biggest loss since he lost his dignity in Rocky V.

Nicole Kidman has been named the richest young Australian celebrity. Paul Hogan scrambles to make Crocodile Dundee 4.

Some guy has broken the Guinness record by watching TV for almost 70 hours. Those Laguna Beach marathons have a way of sucking you in, don’t they?

Nintendo has unveiled their revolutionary one-handed controller. Now that gamers have a free hand, Tomb Raider sales are expected to skyrocket.

Are you sick of your "In Da Club" ringtone? Check out Bliptones, the world’s first "indie-only ringtone webstore." Be the first kid on your block with a Clap Your Hands Say Yeah ringtone… and then, the first one to dismiss them as being "so over!"

One of these things is not like the other

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Renee Zellweger denies marriage problems

"I’m happily married but I don’t talk about it because I want to keep my precious things precious." 

Renee Hits Back At Marriage Claims

Kenny and Renee Still Happy

Zellweger Denies Marriage Is On Rocks

Zellweger Cites ‘Fraud’ in Chesney Split

Once again, credible news sources like Us Weekly, Star, and In Touch are… well… right. Kenny and Renee are calling it quits after four months.

Now all Kenny has to do is lose his truck and his dog and he’ll have a whole album’s worth of new material. Go get ‘em Kenny!

Thursday Afternoon Quick Hits

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Donald Trump to make appearance on a Soap Opera, his comb-over holds out for more money and it’s own trailer.

Marky Mark claims lots of men follow him into the john to check out his
johnson. Patrons at the Man Hole and Blue Oyster are unavailable for
comments.

Swiss Death Metal band Almagortis releases "Chainsaw Ass Massacre,"
raising question of which is funnier: "Chainsaw Ass Massacre" or "Swiss
Death Metal."

Gwyneth Paltrow is teaching her daughter Apple to speak Spanish. Preparing her for a life of being called Manzana.

Okay. Try to read this story without cracking a smile. I double dog dare you: Paul McCartney’s wife loses her leg after attempting to crash a J.Lo
fashion show
when she tried to preach to Mrs. Lopez about the evils of wearing fur only to be kicked out by security before reattaching her leg.

TV chef Rachel Ray is now engaged. This means she can finally start eating what she cooks.

Indian girl weds lover’s brother to beat the law. Looks like call centers aren’t the only thing Arkansas is outsourcing.

Zookeepers
install seven-ton treadmill to keep isolated female elephant
from getting fat. She will likely just use it to hang the clothes from her
trunk.