When Britney’s Away…



Now that Nick & Jessica are dunzo, the media has decided to focus their attention on breaking up Britney and Kevin. It was reported the other day that Britney threw Kevin out of the house because his "weedman" (that’s Feder-lingo for "drug dealer") was hanging around the baby. Now, throwing Kevin out of the house as "punishment" is kinda like suspending a kid from school for cutting class. "Wait a minute… you mean I have to go out? And not come back?? Awesome!" Actually, he wouldn’t say awesome. He’d probably say "Phat!" You get the point.

Britney also decided to teach Kevin a lesson by returning his Ferrarri to the dealership. But you know what that means? Now Kevin never has to be the designated driver. Score another one for the Federline!

I hope Britney decides to let the whole thing slide and allows Kevin to come back home. Because once those two split up, the media is sure to start going after Christina Aguilera and her new hubby… and they haven’t even got back from their Honeymoon yet! So please Britney and Kevin– stay together… if not for yourselves, and if not for your baby… do it for X-Tina. She needs you.

Big in ’05 indeed



Catch the Big in ’05 Awards? Don’t worry, if you missed it I’m sure VH1 will replay it another 4,322 times before 2006 begins.

Perez Hilton was at Mekhi Pheiffer’s after party, along with Paris Hilton, Stavros Niachros and… Jaleel White? Huh??  Let’s hope for a sex tape.

Check out all the Perez Hilton goodness here.
And imagine a Paris-Stavros-Urkel threesome ending with Jaleel standing up, pointing at Paris and asking, "Did I do thaaaat?" Carl Winslow would be so proud.

Paul Scheer’s Thanksgiving Experiment



On Thanksgiving, I asked people to Submit The Most Ridiculous, Racist,
or Obscure Thing That a Member of Your Family said Said at the Dinner

The Responses were Overwhelming.

The worst one?

"And P.S. there was no such thing as slavery! The blacks came here for the free welfare!"
-Scary Old Relative as she’s leaving our house.

Wow. Read them all here

Quick Hits



Despite what you may have heard, a hot 19-year-old college co-ed was NOT the reason Nick and Jessica split up. Many hot 19-year-old college co-eds were the reason Nick & Jessica split up.

Sarah Jessica Parker insists she never received any complimentary sex toys while working on "Sex In The City."  Mario Cantone has no comment.

Are Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora really having marital problems? Umm, did Tommy used to work on the docks?

Sorry ladies: Marilyn Manson has tied the knot. No, this isn’t another drug story– he got married.

In a last ditch effort to make it in the states, Robbie Williams decides to earn some street cred and get shot 9 times by beefing with 50 Cent.

And finally, eight national movie theater chains have agreed to make their theaters more accessible for the blind and the hearing impaired. In other news, "Just Friends" has finally found an audience.

Dane Cook on SNL



This is why SNL needs more comedians to host. Just check out Dane Cook’s monologue from this week’s show. No awkward audience interaction (anybody remember when Nancy Kerrigan hosted?) No relying on cast members to make the host tolerable (I’m looking at you, Lindsay Lohan). And no unwarranted Lorne Michaels cameos (too many to mention). Just comedy. Good stand up comedy. I hope you were taking notes, Jack Black– you’re on deck.

Watch Dane’s monologue here.

Stream Paris Hilton if you dare



"Paris Whitney Hilton, a sucessful model, actress, designer, and now
musician, is thrilled to release her debut album "1 Crazy Party" on her
very own label, Heiress Records. Ms. Hilton’s first single "Turn It Up"
is a sassy slice of electro pop that will no doubt reach the number one
spot on charts all around the globe. Paris has worked with world famous
producers and writers over the last year, and has produced one of those
"must hear" records where every song is a hit. "I wanted to record
something personal, something that has meaning to me, and I think this
CD will show my fans that I value them and that singing has always been
one of my huge passions," says the socialite herself. The album will
also feature the smash hit "Screwed," "All the Boys Are Chasing Me,"
and "9 Times out of 10."

This is sure to be the worst. album. ever. It’s painful to the ears already…but those of you who are brave, her official myspace music stream awaits you.[Paris sings]

Friday Afternoon Quick Hits



Complete with incest, torture and drugs, ABC’s "Lost" wins Family Friendly Award. Winners chosen on ability to "depict real-life situations and handle those issues very responsibly." No search party for Walt yet.

Dan Aykroyd goes out on a limb, says Canadian wines are easier to stomach than any movie he’s done since Ghostbusters.

Nicole Kidman engaged to singer Keith Urban. Step-ladder not required for wedding photos this time.

Mariska Hargitay is expecting, will star in Law & Order: Maternity Division sometime next year.

Canadian man acquitted of sexual assault becuase he was screwing in his sleep. Bill Clinton considers Canadian citizenship for first time since Vietnam War.

Parents of 3 year old upset at McDonalds after the Happy Meal their child was eating had a dangerous cleaning chemical sprinkled over the food. McFamily now shopping for McLawyer for McLawsuit.

Actor Michael Douglas wants more gun control. People will be safer when only police and his bodyguards can carry guns

Parents of 3 year old upset at McDonalds after the Happy Meal their child was eating had a dangerous cleaning chemical sprinkled over the food. McFamily now shopping for McLayer for McLawsuit.