Celebrity Haiku: Johnny Depp Edition

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Robot Johnny  (a talented freelance illustrator) provides us with another installment of Celebrity Haikus.

Edward Scissorhands
As cool as they are
those things must be a nuisance
when masturbating

Gilbert Grape
The real answer to
“What’s eating Gilbert Grape?” is:
“His giant mother”

Those of you who were unfortunate enough to miss out on the Harrison
Ford edition
should catch up now. Maybe he takes requests. Just
please no TomKat haiku requests…that’s all I ask. With that said, ask
away.[link]

Date Him Natalie!

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Datemenat 

Date Me Natalie is a site run by a man who wants nothing more in life but a single date with Sen. Padmé Amidala. Why post it? Because you’ll probably get a chance to see him weep in front of Ms. Portman one day soon as he is making the interview rounds as of late.

"I’m asking for one date with Natalie Portman. I’m not asking to marry
her. I’m not asking for a week’s vacation with her. I’m not asking to
exchange love letters with her. I want one conversation with her, in
person. I’ve decided to ask for this through a website presenting my
argument about why I feel this is worth Natalie’s time."

Natalie. Use your stunt double again. I wont tell. The empire and your secret will be safe with me. I pinky swear. If not for his happiness do it for our entertainment.[link]

Moustache Rides– This October!

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The next World Beard and Moustache Championships will take place in Berlin, the capital of Germany, on October 1, 2005. [learn more here...]

I’m posting this today to do all you guys… and hairy girls… a favor. It’s time to buckle down and start growing that facial hair so you can compete with Karl-Heinz Hille, the 2003 champion that’s looking to defend his title.

I’m warning you, this guy is good. So start training, and maybe, MAYBE, you’ll take the home the coveted title. It would be the biggest upset since Daniel Larusso beat Johnny Lawrence in the All-Valley karate tournament. Best of luck.

Sweep the leg, Johnny! Yeeeeaahhhhhhh!

Wednesday Morning Quick Hits

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Jennifer_garner

Sienna Miller finally dumps Jude Law, conveniently forgetting that he cheated on his former wife with her.

Oscar voters get an extra week to deliberate. This is not expected to help the Fantastic Four‘s chances at all.

Kate Moss has been spotted with Johnny Knoxville. I guess when your last boyfriend was a heroin-addicted rock star the guy from Jackass actually looks kind of stable.

Jessica Alba was a frail, asthmatic, obsessive compulsive child with throat cysts. I’d still hit it.

Tom & Katie are about to get some company. Nicole Kidman is moving to Beverly Hills to be near her ex-husband. And to give Katie career— I mean, marriage— advice.

Doonesbury does something and some people get upset. I think. I have no clue. Doonesbury is so boring I can’t even read something about Doonesbury.

Liz Phair announces the release date of her upcoming album/disaster. It drops on October 4, and it’s called "Somebody’s Miracle." And it will be a miracle if anybody buys it.

Sydney Bristow: Pregnant. Jennifer Garner to be a pregnant spy on Alias. Because even Marshall couldn’t figure out a way to cover this one up.

Look Who’s Cumming

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Cumming

This commercial for Alan Cumming’s new fragrance is the funniest thing he’s ever done… and that’s including Spice World. This commercial is absolutely amazing.

My only complaint with the site is, when you click on the areas that haven’t been built yet, it says "Coming soon" instead of "Cumming soon." Come on, Alan. Once you start Cumming, don’t stop Cumming. That’s just rude.

[Watch Commercial Here]

Tuesday Afternoon Quick Hits

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Voltitle

Paul McCartney gets by with a little help from his friends – claims George helped him write a song from beyond the grave.

Christian critics say Jessica Simpson video is "too sexy". Claim they were just watching it for "umm…research".

Voltron is coming to the big screen.  No word on the Sven vs Alura blue lion controversy

Was Owen Wilson the key to the Wes Anderson phenomenon? Personally, I believe every movie should have a little bit of the O factor.

Terrell Owens will show up to training camp but will not be happy if he fails to get a new deal. In other news, Terrell Owens leaves a trail of slime that glows in the dark.

Mel Gibson to write, direct, produce new movie in Mayan language.  Hollywood surrenders.

Trying to remain relevant, TV Guide changes magazine’s format . They just couldn’t keep up with writing a synopsis of all 19 million shows on 5000 channels.

Sienna and Orlando sitting in a tree…K-i-s-s-i-n-g?

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Siorli2

Sienna Miller strikes back with a vengeance with that dude who played an elf and a pirate in training, Orlando Bloom. She doesn’t cancel the engagement, but instead gives Jude Law a quick and very public taste of his own medicine. The Sun was there, of course, to capture what could be revenge– or just a friendly snuggle session that we will fully blow out of proportion.