How to celebrate our Independence

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Phatphree

From: The Phat Phree

Now I rarely plan a day fully, but since this is my favorite holiday of the year, I have an agenda set that I’d like to share with you. I encourage you to follow this as close as possible, and I guarantee that you will have a magical and wonderful Independence Day!

9:17 am – Wake up, probably feeling a slight bit hung over from the previous night’s shenanigans. Recite the Pledge of Allegiance loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear.

9:20 am – Take a nice cold shower, listening to Lee Greenwoods Greatest Hits, which I made myself, which is just “God Bless the USA” on repeat. Immediately iron American Flag print polo, navy shorts when I get out of shower.

10:00 am – Head to the convenience store to get beer. Stand in beer section pondering the purchase of either Budweiser or Busch. No “lite” products will be considered on this day. Decide to get a case of each. Call woman in store a Communist for purchasing Smirnoff Ice. [Keep reading]

Ah, I love it when a plan comes together. Have a happy 4th of July weekend everybody. Enjoy the fireworks, enjoy the bbq’s, enjoy the Live 8, and enjoy the Best Week Ever- tonight at 11 and all weekend long (when VH1 is re-re-replaying Live 8 for the 32nd time, that is.) Have a good one.

Live 8 Odds

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Watching Live 8 this weekend? Of course you are! You want to be aware, don’t you??? Well, the Oddjack Cultural Oddsmaker printed up some Live 8 Odds for your enjoyment. Check them out:

Live8_concerts_72CONCERT ODDS

· Philadelphia Eagles fans will throw D batteries at the concert performers at Art Museum: Even
· AOL Music’s webcast will crash from all the traffic directed to the site: 7/2
· An impromptu “Ebony and Ivory” duet by Rob Thomas and Stevie Wonder: 17/1
· Blood will pour out of my eyes while listening to an impromptu “Ebony and Ivory” duet by Rob Thomas and Stevie Wonder:
Even
· Nelson and Winnie Mandela will reconcile with an open mouth kiss (ala Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley) on stage:
200/1
· Rolling Stone will proclaim this “The Concert of the Decade”:
1/10,000,000,000,000
· Spin will marginalize the event with a Chuck Klosterman column and complete lack of coverage: 5/1
· This concert will inspire “Hands Across America 8”: 14/1

More odds here. Thank you Oddjack, thank you.

Pages Ripped From Children’s Books

by

Herbie

I wish my books from Childhood would have been this honest with me. Instead I got stuck with material like "Follow that bird" which pretty much destroyed my youth.[link]

If you’ve never seen any of Jay Pinkerton’s work before, I suggest you spend a hefty amount of your paid working day reading everything on his website.

Friday Quick Links: The Interweb is weird place…

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Yeah, we know most of you have seen some of these things already, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t share them with the rest of the class, right? Right.

1) Do you know when your favorite character’s birthday is? Do you even care?

2) The Jerry Seinfeld Dictionary of Terms and Phrases. Who are these people?

3) Jonny learns how to skate. Oh yeah, and ‘Jonny’ is a grasshopper.

4) Play the Virgin game. Guess who is and who isn’t….

5) The single worst thing ever. There’s a special place in hell for people like this.

Best_idea_ever

6) Oh, and if you haven’t already done so, the time is now to make David Lynch is your weatherman. He’s doing them daily.

The Forbes Fictional Fifteen

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Forbes_fantasy_list

If fiction can be regarded as a culture’s
subconscious, then it’s clear that we are a nation obsessed with the
very rich. From avaricious caricatures like
The Simpsons’ Montgomery Burns to literary character studies like F. Scott Fitzgerald‘s Jay Gatsby,
our culture–both high and low–is littered with images of billionaires
and tycoons. Some characters are intentional riffs on real-life
counterparts, most famously Orson Welles‘ blistering portrayal of William Randolph Hearst in
Citizen Kane.

Willie Wonka is beating Lex Luthor? More here.

 

Friday Morning Quick Hits: Zombies and Wax are Fantastic!

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Fantastic_four

Scientists create zombie dogs.  Thank God, I can’t see any bad coming out of this one…

Apparently he’s packing more than four: Film-makers felt the need to make Mr. Fantastic’s package a little less fantastic. Meanwhile, the Burger King website is now promoting a Fantastic Four "build your own comic book" online. To pass the time while waiting for the movie release, geeks everywhere are creaming their jeans in their basements.

Madame Tussauds’
will immortalize you in wax for a mere $300,000 and for an extra $10,000 they will give you Mr. Fantastic’s package.

Man pleads guilty to stealing Rod Stewart’s Dodge. In other news, Rod Stewart drives a Dodge. When reached for comment Stewart declared, "I drive a Dodge Stratus! People are scared of me!"

Prince Charles‘ income rose by 11% last year. Blew it on lackeys, flunkeys and marrying a horse.

Someone was stupid enough to pay $350,000 to have lunch with Warren Buffet. Buffet of course plans to discuss the secret to his success. Lesson number one: let’s try not to piss 350,000 dollars away on lunch with an old rich white guy."

Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas reportedly got herself engaged. The Black Eyed Peas will perform at the wedding, which I believe is called "foreshadowing."

A horse is a horse

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By now everybody’s seen the blog I Hate Horses and either laughed at the absolute ridiculous-ness of the whole thing or gotten incredibly angry and offended.

Well, no matter where you stand on the whole horse issue, I think we can all agree on one thing: This is AWESOME.

Horse

Love ‘em or hate ‘em, I think now we know who’s boss.

it’s official: Ben & Jen tie the knot

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Affleckgarner

Ben does what he has to do to ensure that his kid doesn’t end up a bastard like his old man. [full story here]

Best of luck to the happy couple. We sincerely mean that*.

*Okay, let’s be honest, we’re also sincerely looking forward to watching this thing unravel. How long do you give them? 6 months? A year? 2 years? We’re talking about Ben Affleck here, you know he’s going to do something stupid. Can’t wait to see what it is. But until then, best of luck.

Thursday Quick Hits: Slutty pop stars & White People!

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Jessica_simpson

Jessica Simpson has been branded "slutty" by Christian groups.  While they were at it, they also branded Harvey Firestein a “homosexual” and RuPaul “not a chick.”

Sharon Stone is bored of fameCatwoman has a habit of doing that to people. 

Coldplay will duet with former The Verve frontman Richard Ashcroft at Live 8.  All proceeds will go directly to the Rolling Stones.

ABC has pulled an upcoming reality series in which people vie to win a house in a white neighborhood.  The decision was brought down directly from The Man.

More details about the upcoming Death Cab album have been released.  The album focuses on themes like heart break and death, but I WILL CUT YOU if you call them emo!   

Ranger’s Pitcher Kenny Rogers went ballastic on a cameraman. Insert Kenny Rogers joke here. I’m going with, "You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, and know when to throw their camera to the ground and yell about it." Thank you.

And finally, today is petition day:

1) Get Lindsay Lohan a ham and cheese sammach petition.

2) Petition to revoke Tom Cruise’s citizenship

Happy petition-ing!