Morning Quick Hits: Snack Edition – Coke, Apples, Doritos And Circus Midgets

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Jack Nicholson, not a dull boy, rewrites his threesome scene in the upcoming Scorsese film The Departed. "Jack didn’t feel there was enough Jack in his character" and apparently "Jack" involves snorting cocaine off a partner’s buttocks and dildos!

Tom Cruise‘s squirt-happy pranksters are out on bail and promised to sacrifice their water guns over to Xenu as a peace offering, immediately.

Chris Martin is honoring his baby Apple, by getting a tattoo of her name. Strange, usually when I honor apples I just go ahead and take a big bite out of the middle…

Saddam Hussein is addicted to Doritos and thinks fondly of Ronald Reagan.

…I got nothing for that last one. So I will just carry on with the links.

Cardinal Sin dies, Satan surrenders.

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Family Guy movie will be released straight to DVD September 27th. Oh that is freakin’ smurf. That is freakin’ smurf 

PETA tries to stop Shrine Circus.  Next on list:  Santa Claus and his reindeer.

DNA on McDonald’s Burgers link 3 men to a robbery. Sample said to be found in the special sauce…

Harry says Sally can’t fake ‘em anymore. Here comes the science.

Cannabis-based painkiller now available in Canada.  Side effects include munchies, urge to listen to Jimi Hendrix.

Japanese inventors unveil ultra-lifelike robot. In other news, Rick Deckard was arrested at a sushi stand, reportedly brought in for one last job. 

 

You’re going to be a daddy! Lesson # 1

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Ben Affleck channels Kevin Federline. You think you’re excited now, just wait until they get matching mullets.

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Ladies…ladies… you’re doing your pregnancy all wrong. THIS is your moment. If you carry a baby in the womb, the man responsible for it must play "fetch the hormonal angry pregnant lady whatever she damn well wants and do it with a smile" game. It’s a 9 month long game, you can’t lose and it’s fun for the whole family…

Who Missed Who?

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On a crowded subway, the leering eyes of a dirty
old man lock onto an attractive young woman. He wants her. She knows
it. She taunts him. But what deep secret does she hide?

Just in case subways didn’t scare you enough already.[watch now]

Monday’s Quick Hits – Cameron’s catfight, Carmen’s cool

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Leo attacked by a crazy woman? Cameron attacked by a model? Tom attacked by a microphone? You know, being a celebrity is like so not even worth it anymore. You can keep your $20 million paychecks, I’m out of here.

Ben Affleck and girlfriend J-Gar "are not in West Virginia. They did not get married yesterday. They did not get married today." Affleck’s spokesperson went on to add, "Or tomorrow. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. Or the day after that," before eventually passing out.

CIA Director Porter Goss has an "excellent idea" where Osama bin Laden is hiding. On Friday Goss also had an "excellent idea" that Batman Begins would top the box office, so this guy obviously knows his s***.

Julian Casablancas compares the next Strokes album to a "seedless watermelon." Presumably one that hasn’t been washed.

Luke & Owen Wilson were honored in Hawaii. Owen apologizes in advance for "Wedding Crashers."

Finally, Carmen Electra insists she’s not a nymphomaniac. Because nymphomaniacs go to meetings.

Judah vs. Bigfoot

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"Trying to come in contact with a Bigfoot can be tiring. Be prepared to stand and stay awake for 72 hours straight. Do not lay down and fall asleep. Because one, you may miss seeing a Bigfoot. And two, it is mating season for the Bigfoot and they can be extremely horny. Trust me. I know."

Our own Judah Friedlander went on a quest to find Bigfoot. Here are the top 3 things I learned from Judah’s adventure:

  1. Feeding peanuts to a Bigfoot is the most degrading thing you can do to him.
  2. If you’re going to fight a Bigfoot, you should show up early, warm up, and mentally get ready.
  3. The bristles on a moustache can slow down a person’s head speed.

See, there is some seriously important stuff documented here. Check it out.

How to be a Cyber-Lovah

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Meet Herb Zipper, a "playah for the new millennium."

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Break out a pen and some paper, because you’re about to learn a thing or two. Watch Cyber Lovah here.

Noel Hates Everybody

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Say what you will about Oasis– they’re passe, they’re pompous, the lead singer has a unibrow– whatever. Noel Gallagher is the absolute best when it comes to quality quotes.  The man despises EVERYBODY.  His latest statment about Eminem and 50 Cent inspired me to go back and pull up some of Noel’s greatest hits.  Check it out, starting with the brand new hip-hop diss.

Noel_gallagherOn Eminem & 50: "I despise hip-hop. Loathe it. Eminem is an idiot and I find 50 Cent the most distasteful character I have ever crossed in my life. It’s so negative."

On System of a Down: "After I heard System of a Down, I thought, I’m actually alive to hear the s***tiest band ever. Of all the bands that have gone before, and all the bands that’ll be in the future, I was around when the worst was around."

On The Strokes: "There’s no bleeping excuse for not having your shoes match your jacket. The Strokes would do well to take that advice because the studded wristbands have already started to creep in."

On the lead singer of Franz Ferdinand: "He reminds me of f***ing Right Said Fred. You put on, I’m Too Sexy for My f***ing Shirt and I bet you any money it’s the same person. It’s the same f***ing person! He’s just gone on the Atkins diet and grown his hair!"

and, as an added bonus, the man even hates Christmas: "I hate Christmas, I hate the silly music on the radio, I hate the adverts, I don’t like mince pies and I hate turkey. I can’t be arsed getting involved. I was on the verge of saying to my daughter, ‘There is no Father Christmas’ – I’m looking forward to breaking the news in about two years."

Tom gets Wet

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Four members of a freelance camera crew were arrested at the War of the Worlds premiere in London after its star Tom Cruise was squirted with water.

The 42-year-old actor’s face and jacket were drenched with water squirted from what appeared to be a microphone. [keep reading]

Oh, c’mon Tom, why didn’t you just play along? We’re all playing along with your big practical joke — you know, that whole Katie Holmes thing (great job with that by the way, I think people are actually falling for it) — the least you could do is take a little squirt to the face. Tom: Help us help you. Help us… help you.

Click here to watch Tom get his facial. Hilarious.