Afternoon Quick Hits



Hugh Grant says he looks like a ‘butch lesbian’ with his hair cut
short. Hopes this will cover up his master plan of attracting more

Man ordered to quit stalking Pamela Anderson.  Penalty for non-compliance is a case of Hepatitis C.

Unable to sue for anything else, Canadian folk group sues Harry Potter flick producers.

Sports Illustrated writer
wonder’s if boxer’s death means we’re immune
to death in sport
s, fails to realize that we’re merely immune to boxing.

90% of US men and 70% of US women over sixty are overweight, no world on corresponding rates of Jolliness.

Microsoft walks out of talks with music companies in protest over
increased royalty rates. Microsoft doing something cool is right in
there between the boiling seas and the sun being black as sackcloth.

Parents forget 5-year-old son at bluegrass festival, now scarred for life by dueling banjos.

There is a new tourist in Paris



Paris has already moved on to another Greek billionaire. Yes he’s rich thanks to his daddy’s money which probably means they too, are soul-mates…

but guess who it is?

Oh yes, the s**t just hit the gossip fan, it’s Mary-Kate Olsen‘s boyfriend!  Just in case you weren’t 100% sure that Ms. Hilton was the richest piece of trash in North America, she once again, shows us her true colors. Now, we all know Mary Kate can’t participate in cat-fights due to her naturally tiny bones but maybe the twins can reunite and attack in unison. Together they are the strength of an angry 6 year old boy.

This is one fight I will pay to watch. Perhaps a tag team match? The Hiltons vs The Olsens. FOX? FOX executives…where are you? Pounce on this now. I urge you to initiate Celebrity death match 2005.

[Page Six Story and Gawker post]

Gwyneth is no Angelina



There is no real reason to post this other than it may be the best Vogue photo-shoot in years. This is of course, the opinion of one, but every photo in this spread is perfection. Enjoy the eye candy.[Just Jared Link]

Ashlee Simpson’s Las Vegas Birthday Bash



She’s a 21 year old popstar and she hasn’t yet mastered the art of eye shadow application? Before you blame the band, Ashlee… hun, now that you are 21 years of age (which means you are touching alcohol for what I’m sure is the first time ever), you should think about the consequences of alcohol and how it affects one’s makeup application.[ONTD’s Ashlee Simpson Bday post]

Tuesday Morning Quick Hits



Nicholas Cage names new son Kal-El. Yep…Kal-el Cage. Child will inevitably kneel before Zod.

Macon, GA stuck with bill after Little Richard concert. When asked for
a statement Little Richard responded with, "What? Shut up. Ooooooooooo."

Who knew? James Bond movies promote unsafe sex and fornication.  Pussy Galore, Plenty O’ Toole and Dr. Holly Goodhead are wanted for questioning.

Are From Mars
… author, desperately attempting to hold on to even
minor relevance, states that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were doomed
from the start
. Also points out that the sky is blue, water is wet, and
President Bush is goofy.
William Shatner
, on behalf of PETA, tells Louisiana governor she MUST… SAVE... the animals.

Germans have drank less beer at this year’s Oktoberfest. In other news, the Irish are drinking more whiskey at this week’s soccer game.

Oh and before I forget, you too can own Kylie Minogue’s boobie-holder for just $7,560.

*craptacular photoshop courtesy of moi.

Golden Shower



It’s a steamy love affair but like any relationship they have their hot and cold moments but they always work as a team to iron out their problems. Those of you who are unfamiliar with Sean Klitzner should take some time out of your busy interweb slacking schedule and catch up on Sean’s ‘fixes’.[ watch now]

Teletubbies In Cocaine Bust



"While we knew that Tinky Winky was gay, TSG was unaware of the
Teletubbies cocaine connection. When federal officials in New York
yesterday announced the arrest of 22 members of an international drug
cartel, they revealed that cocaine shipments seized by Immigration and
Customs Enforcement agents were labeled with a sweet portrait of the
colorful cartoon quartet. The below photos, snapped by ICE
investigators, show the ring’s distinctive branding of its product. "

Do you think they are all in on it? Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, and Po? Tinky Winky and Dipsy are the obvious suspects here but Laa-Laa is now on my radar. Don’t think your fooling anyone missy, we have all heard your version of Pat-a-cake.[Smoking Gun link