Friday Afternoon Quick Hits-r-us: Rent-A-Star, Harry Potter Gang, Beer Pools

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Ashlee Simpson is available for exclusive get-togethers for the bargain-basement price of $35,000 a song. Or, you can buy the CD for $12.99. I mean really, what’s the difference?

Gangsters, Harry Potter, Gun Shots. Hold up…Gangsters and Harry Friggin’ Potter? Something is fishy here…

Angelina Jolie Virtual Paper Doll? Dess the Jolie doll eh? I don’t get it… why would anybody want to ever put clothes on Angelina? What an awful idea.

You know it’s summer when the beer pool comes to town.

…and you know it’s a slow news day when Goldie Hawn makes headlines. Don’t ask me what it’s about, they lost me at "kids".

The Brain Freeze

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Everybody’s doing it. Or at least this guy is MAKING people do it. There’s nothing better than watching people knowingly hurt themselves on the internet by getting a brain freeze.

I hope it becomes some sort of cult. [watch now]

Runaway Bride: The Official Portrait

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The so-called Runaway Bride pleaded no contest today to a felony count of making false statements about her supposed late-April abduction on the eve of her overblown Georgia nuptials. Wilbanks, pictured below in a Gwinnett County Sheriff’s Office mug shot snapped this morning, was sentenced to 120 hours of community service and placed on probation for two years, according to a judge’s recommendation. While the Wilbanks saga will eventually fade from the public’s memory, we’ll always have her loony statement to cops when she finally surfaced in Albuquerque, New Mexico

The Smoking Gun reports on America’s sweetheart, Jennifer Willbanks. Finally, some closure.

Does Barbie Girl Guy Have The ‘X-Factor?’

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ITV’s search for the UK’s next singing sensation is holding open auditions for the second series and we want YOU! If you’re a group or solo singer over the age of 16, and you think you’ve got what it takes to win Britain’s biggest talent contest, come on down. Auditions will be happening all over the country. They’re first come, first served, so make sure you get there early.

You may have heard of the British show X-Factor but you probably haven’t see this. This guy is amazing, and you can tell that Simon Cowell and Sharon Osbourne are blown away by his skillz. This may be the greatest version of Barbie Girl ever. OF. ALL. TIME. Come on Barbie, lets go party…[Watch the clip]

Morning Quick Hits: Canoes, Predators, Froglegs

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Cameron_diaz_1 I guess it wasn’t a joke after all. Credible news sources (and by ‘credible’ we mean ‘more credible than this blog’) have gotten on top of things to report that White Stripes singer Jack White and model Karen Elson were indeed married…in a canoe. I think the canoe is supposed to be symbolic, but I’d be damned if I knew for what.

Cameron Diaz is suing The National Enquirer for more than $10 million for claiming that she cheated on boyfriend Justin Timberlake. I miss the days when you just took them out back and beat them with a stick. I’m a firm believer that violence will solve anything, or at the very least make for great television.

Michael Jackson
collapsed when someone called him a "predator" in his Santa Maria courtroom. Where did that person get off calling him names like that? What did Michael Jackson ever do to you, huh? And while we’re on the subject, why was Michael Jackson in a courtroom? Unpaid parking tickets? Did I miss something?

Tom Cruise to be ‘dumped’ by Mission Impossible? Something tells me that it won’t be the only thing to dump him this month.

Meanwhile back in crazy town, Chris Martin of Coldplay is breaking out in hives over the Crazy Frog ring tone that’s beating the new Coldplay single on the UK charts. I hope you learned a valuable lesson, Chris: If you want to be popular, fewer weepy love ballads, more "Beverly Hills Cop" style sythensizers on your next record. Thank you.

Friday Ffffhoto Fright Fest

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It’s good to see that Britney Spears eating for two. Not pictured, Kevin Federline not working for two.

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Mary-Kate Olsen tells photographers that she was the first born, just minutes before Ashlee.

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Lindsay Lohan
hasn’t learned a damn thing; still riding around in cars.

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Look what happens when Enrique Iglesias blows into Anna Kournikova’s mouth.

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Paris covers her engagement* ring, making it officially the first thing Paris has ever covered up.

*NOT wedding ring. thanks. :-)