Tori Spelling Needs Your Help!

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"Tori Spelling is looking for an assistant to help
schedule her extramarital trysts and take care of her after her plastic
surgery operations. Naturally, this is the perfect job for many of our
readers."

Apparently daddy couldn’t help her out this time.[perez link]

Tuesday Morning Quick Hits

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Robert Downey Jr. is back. In other, more surprising news, Robert Downey Jr. is still alive.

Janet Jackson
has secret teenage daughter with that DeBarge guy. Secret
meaning of "Who’s Holding Donna Now" can finally be revealed.

Zach Morris
set to play media strategist on "Commander in Chief." Producers deny Screech-as-Chief-Justice subplot.

Disney
to encrypt this year’s Oscar screener DVDs, in effort to prevent piracy
of hot commodities like "Ice Princess" and "Herbie: Fully Loaded".

For the right price, Star Jones might just be willing to participate in an eating contest.

And lo, the sea’s turned to blood and the sky to fire, Ashlee Simpson‘s CD at the top of the charts over Stevie Wonder.

John McCain
to guest star on the new season of 24. Reportedly will make
compromise between terrorists and CTU, declared traitor by that wuss
President Logan.

Monday Afternoon Quick Hits

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Broadway ticket prices have pushed past $100. Blame Monty Python and his flying circus.

More folks choose to watch movies outside of theatres.Strangely enough,
$10 tickets, $8 soda pop, $10 popcorn or screaming children not listed
as the main reasons.

“But in the end, everything worked out really well. Pauly Shore had
little effect on the weekend
.” Was Pauly Shore expected to have an
effect on the weekend? Or on anything, for that matter?

New "Got Milk?" ad pokes fun at steriod scandal. For some silly reason, MLB is upset.

Suspicious Squash Spooks Security Service. Specialists ‘Splode Said Squash Swiftly, Secure Shabby Suspect.

If you go the bathroom and find a long yellow and black thing in the
toilet
that you can’t flush, the firefighters will be more than happy
to remove the python for you.

Madonna: Still Hipper than You

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Madonna dropped by the MisShapes party at Luke & Leroy’s in New York on Saturday night to prove that she’s not going to go quietly into the adult-contemporary night. Pshh, if these hipsters are going to rock out to Kylie Minogue and Annie, why not show the O(M)G some love? (that’s ‘Original Material Girl, in case you were wondering)

Brooklyn Vegan is all over it. Read all about Madonna’s night in NY here.