Matt Da-Mon



So you have kidnapped Matt Damon. Good for you. Millions of Americans think about doing this their whole lives but never realize their true Matt Damon kidnapping potential. You are living the dream.

National Lampoon has done it again. Now you can finally read about how to act when YOU kidnap Matt Damon.

Read the National Lampoons article here. Hilarious.

Tuesday Quick Hits



"I’d like to thank my parents for my good looks and large _____." What else would you expect Christina Aguilera’s new hubby to say at his rehearsal dinner?

Oprah Winfrey has finally agreed to appear on the Late Show with David Letterman. Dave immediately holds a writers meeting to decide what to do: drop her off the roof or shoot her out of a cannon.

Denise Richards has been voted Hollywood’s sexiest mom. The award will be presented to her at everybody’s favorite ceremony: The MILF Awards.

Simon Cowell leaving American Idol? American Idol moving to Thursdays? Sure those moves might seem strange, but Fox knows what they’re doing. Just ask the cast of Arrested Development.

The world’s ugliest dog is dead. No, not Kathy Griffin, the OTHER one.

The word of the day is: Successorexia. To use it in a sentence: Lionel Richie thinks his daughter Nicole has successorexia. Huh?

Kicking And Screaming



Pamela Anderson the Playboy model? That makes sense.

Pamela Anderson the actress? Yeah, I’ve gotten used to that one too.

But Pamela Anderson the soccer mom? Sorry, I don’t think I can wrap my head around that one. Though I’d like to try.

Check out the pics of Pam strutting the sidelines here. I think I figured out where they’re hiding the soccer balls. (from IDontLikeYouInThatWay)

Monday Afternoon Quick Hits



Britney Spears planning Broadway debut, provided Kevin can find a place to park the double-wide.

Death is all over TV these days. And yet somehow it has eluded those Laguna Beach kids.

Harry Potter casts spell over weekend box office. Get it? Casts spell? Annual news article fails to find refreshing take.

Courtney Love is out of rehab. In a related story, Courtney Love is on her way back to rehab.

And Bono says that his music will "last 100 years." Which is why I can’t wait for 2106.

George Bush doesn’t care about locked doors



Here’s the video everybody’s talking about. [iFilm]

What happens when you put our President in a room with locked doors, inquisitive reporters and no clear exit? Well, now you know.

I’d like to play this game again. Only next time we should throw a few more items in the room to see what happens. Like a big red ball, some silly string, and a bicycle helmet. THAT would be entertaining.

Link from Wonkette.