Paula on SNL?



Paula Abdul is going to make an appearance on SNL this weekend. What, was Pat O’Brien unavailable?

The question on everybody’s mind: Who is Paula going to hook up with? My money is on Horatio Sanz. I think she’s going to take him under her wing, help him choose what skits to select, and eventually leave him provocative phone messages.

Either that, or she’ll team up with System of a Down to perform an updated version of "Opposites Attract." Now THAT would be some quality programming.

spider man-boobs


From Page 6

May 5, 2005 JESSICA Alba (above) and her pals were hanging out at the Coldplay concert at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas the other night when Toby Maguire, who looks a lot bigger than he did in "Spider-Man" or "Seabiscuit," approached. The two exchanged pleasantries. But after the lardy leading man left, Alba said to one girlfriend, "He’s [bleep]ing huge!" — sending both of them into hysterical laughter.

Right now when you do a Google Image Search for Tobey, this is the first picture that pops up:


However, if he’s not careful, it’s only a matter of time before this one is:


star wars for dummies


Guess what. I’ve never seen any of the original Star Wars movies. There, I admitted it.

Star_warsIt’s true. Somehow I was able to avoid Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of The Jedi growing up in the 80′s. I’m not sure how I did it, but I did.

In college a couple of friends dragged me to see Episode 1: The Phantom Menace starring Jar Jar Binks, which I think explains why I never had any desire to see Episode 2. In fact, Episode 1 caused me to loudly declare that I’d spend the rest of my life actively avoiding all things Star Wars, which I’ve actually done a pretty good job with. Until now.

Episode III looks awesome! Kevin Smith, director of "Jersey Girl" and "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back" said it’s amazing. Some people are calling it the best one yet. And my girlfriend, who’s a big fan, said she’d break up with me if I didn’t see it. So I think it’s in my best interest to go.

I’m probably not going to have enough time to catch up and watch the 4 Stars Wars flicks I’ve missed before Episode III comes out, but that’s not going to stop me from learning the things I need to know. I’m picking up the necessary knowledge another way: from commercials. Here’s what I’ve figured out so far.

Darth Vader - He’s the bad guy. Despite being bad, though, he loves Slurpees. "Darth Dew Slurpees" to be exact. He also has the ability to make your tongue turn "Darth Vader Black" when you eat Twisted Cheetos. Currently, he can be seen fighting a boy with a spoon-light saber on the cover of select Kellogg cereal boxes.

Yoda - He’s a good guy, even though he has trouble structuring sentences properly. Loves Diet Pepsi more than anything. And, even though he’s good, that won’t stop him from turning your tongue "Yoda Green" when you eat Twisted Cheetos.

Chewbacca - He’s very hairy and inarticulate, but that doesn’t stop him from somehow earning a living recording ring tones for Cingular Wireless. You have to respect that.

R2-D2 & C-3P0 - They also enjoy recording ring tones, but they take a backseat to the hairy dude. Maybe because they’re robots and robots don’t have souls. That’s my theory, at least.


M2-D2 & M-3P0 - Okay, I really don’t understand these guys. They appear to be M&M versions of the robots I just mentioned. I’m not sure if they’re good or evil, and I’m also not sure if they melt in your mouth and not in your hands. I assume they’ll answer those questions in Episode III.

Obi-Wan Kenobi - I haven’t seen him pitch anything big, so I’m assuming he’s just a supporting character or something.

Finally, the last thing I’ve learned. A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, everybody LOVED Burger King. Now off to Revenge of the Sith I go! Wish me luck!

something to watch, something to (not) laugh at


something to check out


Did anybody catch Leno last night?* Well, everybody’s favorite emo-wonderkid Coner Oberst (a.k.a. Bright Eyes) performed a song called "When The President Talks To God" which was probably the most offensive thing to happen on The Tonight Show since Johnny named Jay as his successor. The only difference being, this was great. Check out the performance here.

something to (not) laugh at


Okay, you probably already started laughing, didn’t you?

So did anybody see the CBS movie "Riding The Bus With My Sister" on Sunday night? In case you couldn’t tell by the picture, Rosie O’Donnell plays a "developmentally disabled" woman (as indicated by her mismatched shoes & socks) who spends her days riding a bus. Luckily, the fine folks at TVGasm liveblogged the whole thing just in case you forgot to Tivo it.  And if that’s not enough for you, you can watch clips here at the CBS site. Not surprisingly, it’s listed in the "specials" section.

Right now I’m trying to figure out what’s worse: Rosie’s performance, or this poll on the site. It’s your call:


*Editor’s Note: I promise I’ll never write that sentence ever again.

eva long-oria


We get it Eva, you like to get it on.


First you tell the press that the best sex you ever had was with your vibrator…

Then you walk around wearing a T-shirt that says "I’ll have your baby, Brad"…

Then you describe a girl-on-girl kiss to Esquire magazine…

Now, you reveal in an interview that you didn’t have your first orgasm until you were 26.

Note to Eva: You don’t have to tell us everything about your sex life. Some stuff is better left to the imagination. And believe me, when it comes to thinking about you, guys LOVE imagining things. Trust me.

But who am I to complain? I’m just grateful that Felicity Huffman isn’t the one talking about her sex life. I know all I need to know about her husband William H. Macy thanks to his full frontal scene in "The Cooler."  Definitely not hot. Get it?

what the internet is for…


Click on this and keep hitting "refresh."


My favorite one so far: Vin Diesel is so tough that he only eats the finest European coins and wipes his a** with pinecones…the wrong way.

I had no idea Vin Diesel was so amazing, did you???

O-Ryan’s Star



Ryan Seacrest was awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. And judging by the picture, immediately after he received it Simon Cowell strangled him to death. (but honestly, can you blame him?)

Well, it’s nice to see that Hollywood doesn’t let just anybody get a star. I thought they had lowered the bar when they awarded stars to Godzilla and Chewbacca, so it’s nice to see that it’s been raised to that esteemed "Seacrest-Level" of celebrity. Who’s next, Brian Dunkleman?

I just hope this doesn’t become a trend awarding stars to reality TV show hosts. I’d hate to walk through Hollywood and see a star for Seacrest followed by one for Roger Lodge and then one for "The Guy Who Hosts ‘Cheaters.’" Let’s stop before it’s too late. I’m proposing Seacrest, Out.

Pie in the Face



In 1999 American Pie hit the screen and everybody immediately went crazy over the young, hot cast of Hollywood newcomers. The movie launched a dozen careers (if you include the guy from Harold & Kumar and the girl that went on to star in a soap opera), but it also seems like it has taken a toll on several of the actors. Just check out this list. I’m calling it "The Curse of Pie" (because I’m not good at coming up with names for lists. But here it goes anyway.)

Chris Klein - Was engaged to Katie Holmes, but that fell apart. Currently facing charges for drunk driving. But honestly, wouldn’t you be drinking too once you came to the realization that you’ll never get to sleep with Katie Holmes ever again?

Shannon Elizabeth - Recently got divorced from husband Jason Reitman. And, more importantly, has NOT removed a single article of clothing on film in 6 years. What’s that all about???

Natasha Lyonne - First of all, I don’t think anybody ever really considered her a real cast member because she was barely in the first movie, right? Well, that must’ve eaten her up inside– the girl has SNAPPED. Right now there’s a warrant out for her arrest for skipping out on a court date. Oh, and why was she supposed to be in court? Because she threatened to molest her neighbor’s dog. I’m not even going ask… I’m not even going to ask…

Sean William Scott & Alyson Hannigan- They both stuck around for American Wedding. If they’re not careful they’re going to end up like Mr. Belding and Screech in "Saved by the Bell: The New Class." I’m just saying it’s time to move on, that’s all.

The Guy who played Finch & The Kid from Rookie of the Year - I heard they dropped out of acting and now they’re running a 7-11 together in Columbus, Ohio. Okay, I didn’t actually hear that, I’m just assuming. But you have to admit, it doesn’t sound that far fetched.

Mena Suvari - She’s gone from the Academy Award winning American Beauty to Beauty Shop. Somebody should tell her that just because a movie has the word "beauty" in it, that doesn’t mean it’s definitely going to be good.

Jason BiggsSaving Silverman. Boys and Girls. Loser. Prozac Nation. Anything Else. Jersey Girl. Just tell me when to stop…

Tara Reid - If you actually need me to list the reasons, clearly you have stumbled upon this site by accident. But just for fun, I’ll leave you with this:


I think that sort of sums everything up in a nipple. I mean a nutshell. Okay, I’m just going to stop writing now– you get the idea.