britney and kevin count to 10

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Britney and her second husband Kevin appeared on Letterman last night to promote their new television clusterf— show "Chaotic." Here are their Top 10 Reasons to Watch.

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10. Britney: There’s never-before-seen footage of me wrestling an alligator.

9. Kevin: Unlike those "Desperate Housewives" chicks, we’re not, like, 60 years old.

8. Britney: It’s like "American Idol" except no one sleeps with Paula Abdul

7. Kevin: In the first episode, you can see my ass.

6. Britney: I’m hot.

5. Kevin: She’s hot.

4. Britney and Kevin: We haven’t had nearly enough media coverage.

3. Britney: It’s gotta be better than this show.

2. Kevin: If enough people tune in, maybe my wife will make out with Madonna again.

1. Britney: In the season finale, you’ll find out that Dave is the father of my baby — oops.

I missed it last night, did any of these things happen? I’d be particularly interested in seeing Brit take on an alligator. At this point I think it’d be a pretty even match.

So what did you guys think of the show? Is it a complete disaster or is it amazing? Or both?

Quick Hits

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Orlando_bloomColdplay will kick off a 36-City tour this August. Chris Martin looks forward to impregnating groupies in each city and naming them after pieces of produce to give Apple fruity friends to play with.

Jason Priestley got married in the Bahamas over the weekend. Sadly, NOT to Emily Valentine.

A Robin Williams impersonator has agreed to stop acting like Robin Williams after a lawsuit was filed against him. He’s sad that he will no longer be able to make money off the gig, but he’s excited that now people might actually be able to tolerate being around him.

MTV has announced that they will air a new reality show starring RUN DMC’s Reverend Run. Adidas stock is expected to soar.

Orlando Bloom said he perfected his acting skills by pretending to act like a lizard. In a related story, Josh Hartnett revealed that he perfected his by acting like a rock.

Lindsay Lohan to star in Mission Impossible 3? That’s un-possible!

advanced math

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Natalie_portman_2_1 

+

American_dad

(X)

Sinead_oconnor

=

Natalie_portman_3

And somehow, Natalie Portman still looks amazing. Wow. Something just doesn’t add up.

joan rivers runs through us

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The one and only Joan Rivers dropped by the BWE studios this week, and honestly, we haven’t been the same since.

Joan_rivers_3 Click here to watch Joan rant about the new Star Wars movie.

Click here to go to her website.

Or you can click here to check out her upcoming schedule.

Is Joan Rivers having the Best Week Ever? You’ll have to tune in tonight at 11 to find out.

E! officially trying to kill Tara Reid

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Tara_reid_3

Remember when Tara Reid appeared on the Ellen Degeneres Show and declared that she was looking for a nice guy, and that she wasn’t the big party animal that the tabloids make her out to be? 

Well, to prove her point Tara started dating Tommy Lee and now it’s been announced that she will host E!’s Wild On series. Uh oh. Like Tara needed an excuse to drink.

Tara is set to party her way through Europe this summer with an E! camera crew tagging along. In order to make it even more interactive, I already started working on a Wild On drinking game so we can play along at home. Here’s what I’ve got so far. This is only for experienced drinkers, though, so I advise you to proceed with caution.  Here we go:

  • Drink every time Tara does

That’s it. I think it’s a pretty safe bet that you’ll be hammered by the end of each episode. Good luck.

you write the caption

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Lohan_and_richie_5

I’m pretty sure that’s Lindsay Lohan on the left and Nicole Richie on the Right. I think. I hope not. But I think.

So, you write the caption. The winner gets to buy them a cheeseburger. Go.

Oops, She did it again

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Britney_spears_2Ladies and gentleman, it looks like we officially have a brand new Britney on our hands. Not too long ago she was singing lyrics like:

"I’m not that innocent." (Oops, I Did it Again)

"I’m a slave for you." (I’m A Slave 4 U)

"Intoxicate me now, with your lovin now." (Toxic)

Now that she’s married… and pregnant… she’s singing a different tune. Check out these quotes from a recent interview.

"I think I’ll always have a weight problem."

"I see my imperfections, I see my flaws, I just don’t care."

"After I got married I was one of those people who let themselves go a little bit."

It sounds like it’s only a matter of time before she releases a song called, "I’m Not an L, Not Yet An XL."

Hey, in my personal opinion, if Britney wants to let herself go she should go right ahead. She’s given adolescent boys and dirty old men more than enough mental images to last a lifetime, why shouldn’t she indulge a little bit?

Go for it Britney. And next time you’re at a drive-thru with your husband Kevin, make sure you supersize it. For me.

do you take this seal…

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Seal_and_heidi

Heidi Klum and Seal tied the knot on Tuesday. 

I’m reminded of a joke by the great Gilbert Gottfried when he found out that Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett. I’m paraphrasing:

"I can’t believe that I had a chance! All this time I thought she was holding out for somebody good looking… but I guess I was mistaken. It could have been me!"

renee’s diary

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Renee_zellweger

Dear Diary,

Well, I finaly did it, I finally married a rock star! 

Now I know what you’re thinking… "who is it? Is it Jack? You wrote a lot about Jack, is it him?" No! It’s somebody much much better. It’s Kenny Chesney! I’m Mrs. Kenny Chesney! The wife of a rock star! Wow! Take that Jack White!

I knew it wasn’t meant to be with Jack because he never wrote a song about me. I really wanted him to, but he just wouldn’t do it. Luckily, with Kenny I don’t have to worry about that–he’s ALREADY written a song about me! It’s called, "You Had Me From Hello," and it’s all about ME! Granted, it’s kind of lame, but he means well.

But don’t worry, I’m soooo over Jack it’s ridiculous. In fact, just the other day I threw out all my White Stripes CDs to make a point. The point was, "I’m done with this crap, from now on I’m only going to listen to Kenny Chesney… and country music…. hooray." Actually, maybe I’ll hold on to those CD’s after all.

Right now the tabloids are probably working overtime to report that Kenny and I had only been dating for a few weeks before we decided to get married. I say what-evs! I knew I was going to marry him since day 1 (with Day 1 being alllll the way back in January.) We met at a Tsunami benefit– he was performing and I was answering phones. I probably shouldn’t say this, but thank God for the tsunami!  OMG, I shouldn’t even write that. I’m terrible!

But here we are today, married. Wow! Me. Mrs. Renee Zellweger Chesney. Wife of a rock star, or a Country Music star if you want to be a prick about it. Close enough! Yay!

Ligers and Tigons and Bears, oh my

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Napoleon_dynamite

Ligers are so 2k4, Napoleon.  Welcome to the future. Allow me to introduce you to…

Tigon

Tigons!

They’re the opposite of ligers — they have tiger fathers and lioness mothers — and they’re very rare. Now THAT is Sweet.