Wednesday Quick Hits: Lets go start a fight!



Sean Connery decides to back-out of his biography deal . I guess we’ll know the juicy details of his affair with Trebek’s mother.

Jessica Alba
admits she gets jealous when her boyfriend is surrounded by circling vultures women and would be willing to initiate a catfight if deemed necessary. Hey, If she charges admission to an "Alba-all-star-catfight" she could rival her "Fantastic Four" film paycheck and viewer ratings.

Mariah Carey’s
has a wardrobe malfunction at concert, and yet she’s still winds up being the "good one" of the Carey family.

When regular people have the flu, they call in sick to work, drink ginger-ale, eat chicken noodle soup and watch The Price is Right. When Brad Pitt has the flu, he
checks into a hospital and it’s front page news at Yahoo. Your life however, will remain unaffected by this late breaking news.

Honda to discontinue production of top sports car NSX. Teenage boys,
manufacturers of staple-on spoilers, fart pipes go into collective panic.

**WARNING: Annoying Tom Cruise headlines below. Feel free to ignore their existence, much like I wish I could ignore his…**

Rob Thomas is shocked by reports he slept with Tom Cruise. Says he prefers Brad Pitt. So do I, Rob…so do I.

Pariscity council passes resolution "never to welcome the actor Tom
, spokesman for Scientology and self-declared militant for this
organisation". Quick, someone inform France that "Mission Impossible" is just a mooooovvvie and that Tom Cruise was only "acting" like a tough guy. Then show them "Jerry Maguire", because it may be his pansiest role yet, which you know, should go over well with the French.

…get it?

cause they are pansies…Pansies I say! What? What you going to do France? Surrender? I thought so.

And now for a message to Tom Cruise from Alton Brown.

***please note that the submitter of this blog is 52.3% French and is by law allowed to openly mock them***

Fabio, After Dark



Listen up men, and listen  up good. If you want to score with the ladies, the special ladies, there’s only one way to go about it. Forget about buying them flowers, chocolates, and expensive 
jewelry… if you want to open the lock to their hearts, then consider 
to be the key. Fabio is a muscular man of mystery. He’s larger
      than life. He can’t believe it’s not butter. He’s one with
. And most
      importantly… he is wise in the ways of the international language of 
love. Sure, you could pick up one of the many, many, many romance  novels that he’s appeared on the cover of…[go now ]

I honestly don’t know where to start. Let’s just say that it’s Fabio‘s album, After Dark.  It’s basically porn music with Fabio talking to you (provided you’re a lady). It’s corny. It’s hilarious. It’s downloadable. It’s about two seconds away from being loaded on to my ipod. I’m a little bit blown away right now as I have been reduced to tears by it’s comedic beauty. I mean first the Fabio cover art discovery and now this.

Life is good.

Katie Holmes: A girl from a far away creek?


Let’s just say I was doing some research this morning on Ms. Holmes. I am a little concerned for Tom’s safety…




What is she hiding? I think I’m on to something here folks and I’m going to get to the bottom of it…

Saved by the wedding bells




Sorry Zack, but Kelly Kapowski got married. Thankfully, it wasn’t to Jeff, that handsome college guy that she worked with at The Max… I never trusted him.

But don’t worry kids, I’m sure this is a two-parter episode. Screech will come through in the end like he always does…

Oh and speaking of weddings, look who has a wedding website.

Tom Cruise’s Personal War of the Worlds



If the movie is as scary as this trailer, we should be worried…[watch now]

I thought my days of laughing at Tom Cruise jokes were coming to an end. I thought that I was laughed out. That the jokes were over. That the sun wouldn’t come up today. But then I found this flash video and all my fears vanished.

The folks of Boom Chicago (creators of this precious flash video) are geniuses. If you have an hour to spare, I suggest you start going through all their video archives. After you finish watching Tom Cruise’s Personal War of the Worlds

Check these out:

Hazrad100New on Al Qaeda TV: The Dukes of Haz`rad

Secret Agent Condolezza Rice is the new 007

New iPod commercial features Michael Jackson

The Tom Cruise Scientology Centre



Tom Cruise is totally stealing ideas from Kirk Cameron‘s Way of The Master website. I’m telling Candace. Who will tell Kirk and THEN Cameron and Kirk are so  totally going to ban-inate you from heaven for this one, Tom. There will be no crawling back to Jesus then…[Link]

Scientologist-wannabe’s, be sure to click around on all the goodies…Liquid Generation outdid themselves this time.

Ted Nugent is Knockin’ at Michigan’s door


Ted Nugent may run for Governor of Michigan.

Nugent Ted_nugent


Please tell me this is not a publicity stunt for a new album. Let it be true.  I never thought anyone who could write books with titles such as "Gods, Guns, and Rock ‘N’ Roll", "Blood Trails
and "Kill It & Grill It" or classic album titles such as "Penetrator", "If You Can’t Lick ‘Em…Lick ‘Em" and "Full Bluntal Nugity" would EVER attempt to wear a real suit… let alone attempt to govern an entire state.

Nugent On his favorite arthropod:

"(The botanists) come to my ranch in Michigan every year, where I
have a wonderful specialized wetlands known as a fen . . . the only
piece of ecosystem in North America where the Mitchell’s Satyr
Butterfly is thriving, an endangered species everywhere, except on Ted
Nugent’s property."

Nugent On Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes:

"I see a lot of smiles. I love when people are happy. She’s a
bomber. She’s stunning. He’s a handsome young man and a brilliant actor
unto himself."

On what he would do in the event of a "War of the Worlds"-like alien invasion:

"I’m privy to some firepower dynamics that your average civilian is
not and we would just wipe the (expletives) out. And then we’d probably
sauté them and use them for bait and kill some bear over their

Want to hear more?

On that note, I would like to say that I think Nugent shouldn’t have any problem obtaining the female voter’s support with classics like "
Come and get it "
and "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang".

Tuesday Morning Random Video Linkage Time: Safety First



If you watch any of these video links today, be sure to watch this one.  It may be the only ballet I’ve ever enjoyed watching. A man and his machinery is a thing of beauty.


Here lies (what I believe to be) the greatest and perhaps the scariest condom commercial ever made.


Sure, you might not find this video all that amusing but had it been you and your friends in the backyard electrocuting sausages you would think it was pretty frikkin’ awesome too. 


Ahhem. This blog believes in safe sex.  So, you know how I said that Trojan condom commercial was the greatest condom commercial ever… of all time? Well, I think maybe I’ve changed my mind. Those Europeans are so very clever. There is just no stopping them. Watch this condom commercial and then move to Europe for crazy European (protected) sex.

I’m Tom Cruise, and I’m in LOVE!!!



This is a blog to show just how much I love Katie, and just how much we
both love living life together, and being awesome, and believing in

Everything is so awesome in his life. Totally, totally, awesome. Read all about it at Tom’s very own blog.[link]