According to this shameless puff-piece, John Travolta is 30 years old,
was the top choice to be the next James Bond, and is about to play
Captain America. Also, his crap is rainbow-colored, flecked with
24-karat gold, and jasmine-scented.
HBO will air a series about a polygamous Mormon family. All your wives are belong to us.
Paris Hilton denies having a one-night stand with Tom Sizemore, resulting in the one and only time nobody disputed a claim made by Paris Hilton.
Time Magazine’s list of "five new things that will blow your mind". In other news, "Five New Things That Will Blow Your Mind" movie due to be released from Warner Brothers.
David Copperfield plans to impregnate woman on stage without using his magic wand.
NYC company offers "customized reality adventures" replete with "executive kidnappings". Michael Douglas not available for comment, as he is trapped in a box in South America.
Birthday Rolex from Marilyn Monroe to JFK sold at auction for $120k. Bidder disappointed to discover birthday song, dance, BJ not included.
Minutes after Fox cancels "The Simple Life", Paris and Nicole realize the world isn’t paying enough attention to them, decide to make up.
Charlize Theron lauded for her immersive research as a coal miner for upcoming movie. Was equally diligent for upcoming role as Aeon Flux, working in Hoover factory, learning how to suck.
Unlike Madonna, Courtney Cox has no problem with her kid watching TV. Protective services threatens to intervene if the child is exposed to any of her dad’s movies.
David Hasselhoff flattered and thankful that hackers use his image to deface web sites. No-no David. Thank you.
The Nintendo Entertainment System turned twenty yesterday, still plays video games in parent’s basement.
BWE has obtained a letter written by Daniel Craig (the new Bond) to his fans. Here it is, unedited.
Dear Bond Fans,
The initial consensus seems to be one of overwhelming disapproval in regards to my casting as the new 007. I completely sympathize with your outrage. I will freely admit that I have no right to be playing this part. Letâ€™s be honest, Iâ€™m not really attractive. If I walked by myself on a street I probably wouldnâ€™t check out my own ass. So there goes that qualification.
My resume didnâ€™t really suggest that I was right for the part either. Iâ€™m actually struggling to name three movies that I was in. The English Patient? Let me check IMDB. Nope, Ralph Fiennes. Hmmmm. I had to be in some super British movie like Love, Actually. Umâ€¦ no, actually. Hmm. Ah, it turns out my big British movie was Elizabeth (you know with Cate Blanchett). That works. Hey, it says here that I was in Road to Perdition! Cool!
So why am I Bond? Well, do you think itâ€™s easy making a career out of tricking people into thinking you’re attractive and getting Jude Lawâ€™s woman to leave him? Actuallyâ€¦ yeah, it kind of is.
Anyway, who the hell was Pierce Brosnan before Goldeneye? Remington Steele was like 30 years ago and Mrs. Doubtfire and The Lawnmower Man arenâ€™t exactly Citizen Kane either, if you know what I mean. Hell, theyâ€™re barely even Layer Cake. And THATâ€™S saying something.
Well, regardless of your â€œopinionsâ€ Iâ€™m Bond. James Bond. And youâ€™re gonna have to deal with that.
(I think thatâ€™s how I spell it)
Anyway, a tiny peck was exchanged between the two, but mostly this private pool party was all about the bashful smiles. Why didn’t Jason step up and jam his tongue down her throat? Surely that’s his style. Or is it? You just know a jealous Cedric was in the bushes, sharpening a blade, cursing LC’s name. Beware the jilted lover, LC. Beware…
TVGasm is all up on the Laguna beat. Read this week’s recap here.
What’s with these Laguna kids??? They need to expand their social circle and stop hooking up with one another. Let’s hope nobody gets mono, because that would definitely ruin the chances of there ever being a Laguna Beach III.
Cityrag gives us some costume advice for halloween this year. I’m going to go with ‘grandma’ thanks to Ms. Nicole Richie.[City Rag Post]
Katie Holmes to get free wedding dress. David’s Bridal surrenders.
Woman gives birth while reality TV show’s cameras roll. Child to be
named "Truman," put in huge dome modeled after utopian city, filmed
unwittingly for remainder of life.
William… *Shatner*… takentohospitalwithbackpain.
Ashton Kutcher is producing a sitcom pilot based on his relationship
with Demi Moore. Preliminary casting has Bea Arthur playing Demi and
that kid from "Jerry Maguire" portraying Ashton.
BBC announces New TV Series: Queer Eye For The Time Lord Guy.
Craig being received like next George Lazenby by Bond fans. Arriving to
press conference in speedboat while wearing lifejacket not very 007.
returning as Dr. Noah Drake on "General Hospital."
Apologizes to cast & crew for letting success of "Jessie’s Girl" go
to his head.
Sizemore nailed Paris Hilton, can keep it up all night and sleeps with
4 women at once. Leaping tall buildings next on his to-do list.
Couple seeks removal of Fantasia signs. Sorcerer’s apprentice unavailable for comment.
Your adolescent dream of Princess Peach making out with Mayor McCheese
turns out to have been a startling premonition to a wi-fi deal Nintendo
signed with McDonalds today. Haley Joe Osment sees obese people.
Producer Janet Morrison spends four hours each day adapting ‘Guiding
Light’ to podcast audio format so soap fans can learn the latest about
baby Hope’s kidnapping on their iPods….not only do I hate technology today but I hate the world…and I have Janet Morrison to thank for that.
Disney launches vintage bling for grown ups, including crystal-studded Mickey Mouse T-shirt costing $1,400. The hate is strong with me this morning, as I just added Disney to the axis of evil list.
Members of ABBA in court over Money Money Money. Claim The Race Is On
to settle. Don’t want this to be their Waterloo. and yes, Fernando is unavailable
for comment. Oh…I went there.
"The Real Madrid footballer and his wife are suing the News Of The World
over an article published last year (04) in which their former nanny,
Abbie Gibson, claimed the Beckham’s marriage has broken down."
…and here I thought all beautiful people were happy.[I don't like you in that way scoop]
Go ahead and thank Just Jared
for this one.[Just Jared Spoiler Goodness]
Cameron Diaz says if she hadn’t become an actress, she probably would have been, like, you know, a scientist.
A panel of 40 magazine editors, artists and designers have come to the conclusion that they really like seeing John Lennon naked.
New comedy based on the life of a Homo erectus begins casting. Commence sophomoric snickering at the term Homo erectus now.
After helping Cameron Crowe create one bomb, Kirsten Dunst will portray the victim of another.
Despite warnings of repeated Toga malfunctions, the BBC will go ahead and screen its Rome drama uncensored.
There are mathmaticians on The Simpsons writing staff, no doubt attracted to the job by the acting and the groupies and the "Luke, Luke, save me" with the lightsaber and the vwing, vwing, vwing.
Hmm where to start? Lets start with the initial meeting of Perez and Paris in Vegas (reunited at last?), then the blog/ferret talk followed by day two of dancing with "Fat Joe". Not just a clever name...there is just a lot of Joe to love. [Perez Pictures]