Wednesday Morning Quick Hits



Katie Holmes to get free wedding dress. David’s Bridal surrenders.

Woman gives birth while reality TV show’s cameras roll. Child to be
named "Truman," put in huge dome modeled after utopian city, filmed
unwittingly for remainder of life.

William… *Shatner*


Ashton Kutcher is producing a sitcom pilot based on his relationship
with Demi Moore. Preliminary casting has Bea Arthur playing Demi and
that kid from "Jerry Maguire" portraying Ashton.

BBC announces New TV Series: Queer Eye For The Time Lord Guy.

being received like next George Lazenby by Bond fans. Arriving to
press conference
in speedboat while wearing lifejacket not very 007.


   returning as Dr. Noah Drake on "General Hospital."
Apologizes to cast & crew for letting success of "Jessie’s Girl" go
to his head.

nailed Paris Hilton, can keep it up all night and sleeps with
4 women at once. Leaping tall buildings next on his to-do list.

Tuesday Afternoon Quick Hits



Couple seeks removal of Fantasia signs. Sorcerer’s apprentice unavailable for comment.

Your adolescent dream of Princess Peach making out with Mayor McCheese
turns out to have been a startling premonition to a wi-fi deal Nintendo
signed with McDonalds today. Haley Joe Osment sees obese people.

Producer Janet Morrison spends four hours each day adapting ‘Guiding
to podcast audio format so soap fans can learn the latest about
baby Hope’s kidnapping on their iPods….not only do I hate technology today but I hate the world…and I have Janet Morrison to thank for that.

Disney launches vintage bling for grown ups, including crystal-studded Mickey Mouse T-shirt costing $1,400. The hate is strong with me this morning, as I just added Disney to the axis of evil list.

Members of ABBA in court over Money Money Money. Claim The Race Is On
to settle. Don’t want this to be their Waterloo. and yes, Fernando is unavailable
for comment.  Oh…I went there.

Tuesday Morning Quick Hits



Cameron Diaz says if she hadn’t become an actress, she probably would have been, like, you know, a scientist.

A panel of 40 magazine editors, artists and designers  have come to the conclusion that they really like seeing John Lennon naked.

New comedy based on the life of a Homo erectus begins casting. Commence sophomoric snickering at the term Homo erectus now.

After helping Cameron Crowe create one bomb, Kirsten Dunst will portray the victim of another.

Despite warnings of repeated Toga malfunctions, the BBC will go ahead and screen its Rome drama uncensored.

There are mathmaticians on The Simpsons writing staff, no doubt attracted to the job by the acting and the groupies and the "Luke, Luke, save me" with the lightsaber and the vwing, vwing, vwing.

Monday Afternoon Quick Hits



Ted Koppel to be replaced by a 3 anchor team on "Nightline". No word on which one will take over his hair.

Pete Doherty
to visit Kate Moss in rehab. What could possibly go wrong?

Vikings hire FBI agent to keep their barbaric behavior to a minimum. In a related story, FOX planning new show: "The V-Files".

Deep fried strawberries are probably not what the doctor had in mind when he recommended you eat more fruits and veggies.

No Icecream, No TV, No Fun: Why Madonna Sucks, Chapter 10.



Remember that mom (perhaps it’s even your mom) that totally sucked and wouldn’t let her kids have sugar, watch movies without a G rating and imposed silly curfews like "when the street lights go on, I want you home immediately!"? Well, it looks like America has ourselves another ultra-conservative mommy machine. Only this time, her children will be able to call her a hypocrite as soon as they decide to look up what Mommy’s past was like in their local Barnes and Nobels. Good luck hiding that sex book of yours Madonna. If I went to school with your children, I would pack that sex book along side my lunch box to taunt your kids. I’d also tell them that the Kabbalah man doesn’t exist too. [Madonna is a mean mommy article]