Morning Quick Hits: Confusing Sex, Tigers and Big Ol’ Butts

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Eyeswideshut

Tom Cruise confessed he doesn’t like sex outside a relationship because he finds it "confusing". He has a hard time figuring out who’s supposed to be the woman.

Starbucks is selling bootleg Bob Dylan coffee house recordings… coincidentally, recorded in other coffee houses.

USDA fails to find the cause of the tiger attack on Roy Horn. Oh HEY, USDA! You want to know why the tiger attacked Horn? It’s…because he’s a f***king TIGER.

Christopher Walken says that a good marriage is based on timekeeping. Of course, anybody would pay more attention to their watch if that uncomfortable piece of metal was up their ass for two years.

Fox News thinks a "new watergate" would be unlikely due to today’s journalistic ethics regarding unnamed sources. In other news, apparently Fox News has journalistic ethics. Who knew?

Jennifer Aniston may quit Hollywood to pursue other interests such as fashion, hair styling and particle physics.

Mexico to let citizens cast votes by mail.  What could possibly go wrong?

Lance Armstrong is all set to launch his own clothing line. The French have already demanded drug tests for all seamstresses involved.

J-Lo campaign not working well in Africa, as young girls are trying to lose their posteriors.  And Sir Mix-a-Lot weeps.. a-lot.

Paul Scheer Hearts Cameron Crowe

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I have a confession….I love Cameron Crowe Movies.

Elizabethtown704246

I’m a Total Sucker for Them. Yes, even Vanilla Sky (Seriously it’s good-it’s like an intelligent Sci-Fi Film-Watch it Again!)

Here’s a Short List of Some of the Good and Bad Ways Cameron Crowe has Affected Me

1.) He’s made me appreciate and sing along with Elton John more than I probably ever wanted to.

2.) The way I see it he owes me roughly $750 for my brief (albeit expensive) fascination with Kickboxing and my purchase of a ridiculous large Boom Box. [keep reading here]

Wow, Paul must be sincere if he even likes Vanilla Sky. Did anybody like Vanilla Sky???

Ebay Insanity Continues: Angelina Jolie and her son’s half eaten jar of Jif

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Peanut_angie

A friend of mine  works at the Palm Springs Resort Hotel (that shall remain nameless) that Angelina, her son, and Brad were staying a few months ago.  Although Brad had separate quarters, he may have also had himself a PBJ with little Maddox and Angelina .   The employee got this jar of half eaten Creamy Jif Peanut Butter from Angelina’s room.  She asked me to sell  it for her because she cannot be linked to the item or she will be fired.  Sorry, I have no "certificate of authenticity" because it was pilfered. Please don’t email me with smart a$$ comments. People buy fat, ghosts, grilled cheese sandwiches, air, toast with the Virgin Mary’s image, etc…This is no different , really.

US $1,500.00 ? Please…please email her with "smart a$$" comments. Please.[link]

TomKat Ebay Moment Of The Day: Make it stop. Please.

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Ebay_xenu_towel

“You are bidding for Tom Cruise’s Blue towel that he used after he was squirted with water by a journalist.”

I wish I could say this was the only thing I found today on Ebay that made me want move to Mars…or Xenuland…or wherever that isn’t here…but it isn’t…I have more coming up shortly…[link]

and I’m sorry for that.

Jerry Seinfeld in Oz

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Snl_oz

On May 14th 1998, Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer were sentenced to one year in prison for violating the Massachusetts Good Samaritan Law. Then, due to a series of sarcastic quips Jerry made to prison guards, and a series finale regarded by most TV critics as "Satisfactory At Best", Jerry Seinfeld was transferred to a maximum security prison.

That facility is known as… OZ.

We decided to post this old SNL clip because it’s Monday and you probably need a laugh. And because you probably miss Seinfeld a little bit. And because It just never gets old. Enjoy. [Link]

Link thanks to:
Milk and Cookies