Residence of Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis

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Wanna see where Paris² live? Don’t pretend not to be a little bit curious… I personally expected more mirrors and maybe a stripper pole in the party room.[link]

In completely unrelated news, Tom Cruise unexpectedly passed away today, only days before his 43rd  birthday. Once again I feel I should remind you that I believe everything I read on the internet. So naturally this means two things, this report is 100% accurate and Xenu is pretty frikkin’ pissed off.

Morning Quick Hits: Snack Edition – Coke, Apples, Doritos And Circus Midgets

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Jack Nicholson, not a dull boy, rewrites his threesome scene in the upcoming Scorsese film The Departed. "Jack didn’t feel there was enough Jack in his character" and apparently "Jack" involves snorting cocaine off a partner’s buttocks and dildos!

Tom Cruise‘s squirt-happy pranksters are out on bail and promised to sacrifice their water guns over to Xenu as a peace offering, immediately.

Chris Martin is honoring his baby Apple, by getting a tattoo of her name. Strange, usually when I honor apples I just go ahead and take a big bite out of the middle…

Saddam Hussein is addicted to Doritos and thinks fondly of Ronald Reagan.

…I got nothing for that last one. So I will just carry on with the links.

Cardinal Sin dies, Satan surrenders.

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Family Guy movie will be released straight to DVD September 27th. Oh that is freakin’ smurf. That is freakin’ smurf 

PETA tries to stop Shrine Circus.  Next on list:  Santa Claus and his reindeer.

DNA on McDonald’s Burgers link 3 men to a robbery. Sample said to be found in the special sauce…

Harry says Sally can’t fake ‘em anymore. Here comes the science.

Cannabis-based painkiller now available in Canada.  Side effects include munchies, urge to listen to Jimi Hendrix.

Japanese inventors unveil ultra-lifelike robot. In other news, Rick Deckard was arrested at a sushi stand, reportedly brought in for one last job. 

 

You’re going to be a daddy! Lesson # 1

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Ben Affleck channels Kevin Federline. You think you’re excited now, just wait until they get matching mullets.

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Ladies…ladies… you’re doing your pregnancy all wrong. THIS is your moment. If you carry a baby in the womb, the man responsible for it must play "fetch the hormonal angry pregnant lady whatever she damn well wants and do it with a smile" game. It’s a 9 month long game, you can’t lose and it’s fun for the whole family…

Who Missed Who?

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On a crowded subway, the leering eyes of a dirty
old man lock onto an attractive young woman. He wants her. She knows
it. She taunts him. But what deep secret does she hide?

Just in case subways didn’t scare you enough already.[watch now]

Monday’s Quick Hits – Cameron’s catfight, Carmen’s cool

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Leo attacked by a crazy woman? Cameron attacked by a model? Tom attacked by a microphone? You know, being a celebrity is like so not even worth it anymore. You can keep your $20 million paychecks, I’m out of here.

Ben Affleck and girlfriend J-Gar "are not in West Virginia. They did not get married yesterday. They did not get married today." Affleck’s spokesperson went on to add, "Or tomorrow. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. Or the day after that," before eventually passing out.

CIA Director Porter Goss has an "excellent idea" where Osama bin Laden is hiding. On Friday Goss also had an "excellent idea" that Batman Begins would top the box office, so this guy obviously knows his s***.

Julian Casablancas compares the next Strokes album to a "seedless watermelon." Presumably one that hasn’t been washed.

Luke & Owen Wilson were honored in Hawaii. Owen apologizes in advance for "Wedding Crashers."

Finally, Carmen Electra insists she’s not a nymphomaniac. Because nymphomaniacs go to meetings.

Judah vs. Bigfoot

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"Trying to come in contact with a Bigfoot can be tiring. Be prepared to stand and stay awake for 72 hours straight. Do not lay down and fall asleep. Because one, you may miss seeing a Bigfoot. And two, it is mating season for the Bigfoot and they can be extremely horny. Trust me. I know."

Our own Judah Friedlander went on a quest to find Bigfoot. Here are the top 3 things I learned from Judah’s adventure:

  1. Feeding peanuts to a Bigfoot is the most degrading thing you can do to him.
  2. If you’re going to fight a Bigfoot, you should show up early, warm up, and mentally get ready.
  3. The bristles on a moustache can slow down a person’s head speed.

See, there is some seriously important stuff documented here. Check it out.

How to be a Cyber-Lovah

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Meet Herb Zipper, a "playah for the new millennium."

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Break out a pen and some paper, because you’re about to learn a thing or two. Watch Cyber Lovah here.