Dear Young Girls,
If this news report is to be believed, you are dipping tampons into vodka and then putting tampons in their intended locale to get drunk. Yes, apparently the vodka absorbs into the bloodstream this way. Now while I have a feeling one girl once did this back in the 90s and yet it is still a news story, part of me is still limp with shock after listening to this report. I mean, the only way a vodka soaked tampon inside a human being is OK is if Boris Yeltsin started getting his period in Heaven. Sure, you might not get hangovers, but you are putting FERMENTED POTATO JUICE in an area where your FETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME AFFLICTED CHILD WILL ONE DAY COME OUT OF. You are deviling your own eggs before they even had a chance to give you a child out of wedlock!! This is not a smart move.
What’s next? Are teenagers going to start filling their Diva Menstrual Cups with Cosmos? Are young boys going to attach the straw ends of a beer hat into their own ass? Kids, don’t! Use this creativity to get into fashion school and keep the alcohol away any non-oral holes.
A Concerned Future Parents of a Kid That Will Be Homeschooled
Kat Von D has never been particularly private about her relationship with ex-fiance and consummate bad boy Jesse James. Turns out, neither has Jesse James! In a very different, more horrible way! “Today I encountered the 19th girl to add to the list of people Jesse cheated on me with during this last year,” the former reality star wrote in a blistering Facebook rant yesterday. Ugh, we wish we could grab Kat by her ink-covered shoulders and tell her to Not. Even. Waste. Her. Time. Since we can’t, instead we’ve compiled the 19 reasons no one on this beautiful blue planet ever should date Jesse James. You’d think the world wouldn’t need a list like this, but hey … let’s keep it from hitting 20, shall we?
19. That beard.
18. If Kat Von D’s upcoming album is anything like we imagine, there will be reasons not to date him set to music, emitting from your computer speakers.
17. Whimpered about how he felt “beaten up by the media” for um, you know, all those horrible, embarrassing things he did.
16. Got a book deal out of the whole thing, published American Outlaw.
15. Told Howard Stern that sex with Kat was “100 percent better” than with Sandra Bullock. Does he not know we can all hear the words coming out of his mouth?
14. Oh right, cheated on America’s sweetheart Sandra Bullock in the most painfully public way possible. She barely got to enjoy her Best Actress Oscar last year!
13. Photos of Jesse James in Nazi regalia are floating around the Internet, and you know your mom would find those! Or someone else’s mom! Or anyone!
12. Bombshell McGee, the woman with whom Jesse cheated on Sandra Bullock. That’s all we’ll say about that.
11. Actually, no it’s not. Bombshell McGee had racist and Nazi tattoos, too! The woman had a swastika near her lady business! It’s like we’re taking crazy pills here!
10. Even bombshell McGee didn’t think Jesse’s engagement to Kat D was a good idea, and she thinks horrible ideas are good ideas!
9. Has sold stuff for way more than it’s worth on eBay because of his notoriety, which just does not seem fair at all.
8. Morally tainted our enjoyment of Monster Garage reruns.
7. Allegedly called his marriage to Sandy a “sham.”
6. Allegedly had a foursome when Bullock was out of town promoting The Proposal. We can’t even.
5. Got defended by Whoopi Goldberg in the press, and you know she only defends the gross guys. Mel Gibson? Roman Polanski?
4.,3. and 2. That hair.
1. He is a 20-time cheater! And that’s just the number of women we’ve heard about! Isn’t that reason enough?
As a band, Daughtry have a kind of ninja skill. They sneak past you, quiet and undetected at first, and then all of a sudden you turn around and they’re EVERYWHERE, outselling all those flashier bands. But even in their dark, subdued (ninja) outfits, frontman Chris Daughtry and guitar player Brian Craddock didn’t slip past our photographer, however, when they stopped by for Big Morning Buzz last week to chat about what Daughtry’s doing for VH1′s Save the Music and how family inspired Break the Spell, their new album out on November 21. And now we will examine the outfits that we think captures their everyman rock-star vibe.
We visited the Twilight: Breaking Dawn Tent City yesterday and had an amazing time chatting with fans about the books, the movies and, of course, the thrusting. Over 1200 peeps (double from last year!) have been gathered for days outside of the Nokia Theater in downtown Los Angeles, waiting to score a spot on the black carpet of the Breaking Dawn premiere tonight. (See you there!) We hit up Tent City last year for the Eclipse premiere and we’re thrilled to find not much has changed. Fans once again told us they’re camped out for the cast and their love of the books, but also for each other. So many friendships have been forged thanks to Twilight, and Tent City is a real celebration of that — toasting both the silly and serious sides of the most massive and powerful fandom on earth.
Walk with me through the photo gallery to get a feel for the largest city of Twi-hards on the planet. And a special thanks to everyone who chatted with me, said hi and let me photograph them yesterday. You guys are lovely! See you on the carpet — follow us on Twitter at @thefablife for our live-tweets.
It’s The Walking Dead Season 2, Episode 6 entitled “Chupacabra”, and either that’s gonna be a metaphor for someone’s faded idea of something they once saw or this show is about to take a seriously weird turn. Maybe this week a chupacabra falls in the well and they spend twenty minutes devising an elaborate pulley system to remove it (Glenn is the pulley) then they turn it into a physics report and throw that physics report at a walker who again turns out to be Daryl?
We open on The Rick Kidz Klub discussing yet another expedition to search for Sophia (after 5 episodes, they’re allowed to just leave, right? Like the ‘college professor not showing up’ 10 minute rule?) So why will this search be different? Because Rick has sketched out a map with GRIDS and QUADRANTS and SECTORS and seriously it’s just a big green blob and some arrows:
Did you think finding out the deets about George Clooney’s first orgasm was a little personal? The Ides of March star is just getting started. Joining other candid celebrities like Nicki Minaj, Clooney took a moment in his recent Rolling Stone interview to discuss how he considered suicide after injuring his spine on the set of Syriana. “I was lying in a hospital bed with an IV in my arm, unable to move, having these headaches where it feels like you’re having a stroke, and for a short three-week period, I started to think, ‘I may have to do something drastic about this,’” Clooney revealed. Oh, George! We do you a great disservice when we assume you’re made solely out of martinis and witty banter. We truly do.
Luckily The Descendants star recovered from his injuries, though the lingering effects of the stunt gone wrong contributed to his dropping out of the upcoming The Man From U.N.C.L.E. “You start to think in terms of, you don’t want to leave a mess, so go in the garage, go in the car, start the engine,” Clooney admitted. “It seems like the nicest way to do it, but I never thought I’d get there. See, I was in a place where I was trying to figure out how to survive.” Celebrities: They’re just like us! Even when being “us” involves having some supremely depressing thoughts.
We have a new addition to our wildly successful post 50 Dogs In Star Wars Costumes. It’s a pug named Chubbs whose owners dress it up as Hoth Wampa from The Empire Strikes Back. Watch and discuss:
A few thoughts:
1. Someone cut that dog’s nails!
2. Wait, it’s basically a ram right?
3. :36 Seconds was not nearly long enough for this video, come on people, at LEAST 4 minutes.
4. Pugs are like the dog version of dinosaurs. Like if they had gone extinct 1,000,000 years ago and you showed me a photo of a pug today, I’d be like “Uhhhhyeah right, that thing existed.” I feel the same way about giraffes, for the record.
Damien Walters is a self-described “professional stuntman, gymnastics coach and free runner.” So what does this mean for you? This means that every year, Damien, who I’m renaming “Not human probably an alien,” releases a special show reel of him doing flips, twists, turns, and stunts that boggle the mind and coccyx.
Here is a comparison of things Damien can do vs. things I can do:
Damien does a backflip over a patio table and manages to put a hat on his head without using his hands.
I can splash a third of my latte on myself at Starbucks while attempting a bold move of putting a Splenda in it.
This is just one example of both of our talents. Here’s the real question though: How is this guy not on some kind of Olympic team? I don’t think I’ve ever witness anyone this strong and limber. He’s like one ab on feet.
Please watch this and think about it the next time you slip and fall on an icy sidewalk.
This week, as we count down the moments until The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 hits theaters (oh, and so few moments left!!!), we here at TheFABlife would like to take a moment to salute the fellow fans who make Twilight watching and reading so much fun. In particular, we’re honoring a few of the superfans who run excellent blogs devoted to the movies/books/stars. First up, is Cynically Convivial, the anonymous blogger behind Kristen Stewart Is Better Than You, a.k.a. KSIBTU.com. Her funny, enthusiastic musings on all things KStew remind us that this franchise would be nowhere without the girl at its heart. We quizzed CC on her Twi-hardness, and here’s what she had to say.
TheFABlife: When did you first fall in love with Twilight?
Cynically Convivial: I was a movie before books girl, so I think I knew I was in love when “the lion fell in love with the lamb.” That was the moment when I lost my resolve and gave into this phenomenon. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson left me pining for more Bella and Edward. Their chemistry was insane. After the movie ended, I stole all of the books from my cousin and devoured them in no time. I was hooked.
TFL: What’s the moment you can’t wait to see in Breaking Dawn (1 or 2)?
CC: Breaking Dawn Part 1 is all about the honeymoon, thrusts specifically. Were they actually censored? I’m curious to see. That would be a darn shame for fans … and for Robert Pattinson’s incredible back. I’m also insanely intrigued to see how the imprinting scene will play out. I can’t even imagine … and pretty soon I won’t have to!
TFL: How many times have you read the books? And how many times seen the movies?
CC: I’ve read Twilight at least seven times, and the rest of the books I would say around five. I’ve watched Twilight more times than I can count, but I definitely wouldn’t be ashamed to admit the number. I simply cannot remember because I don’t think my brain can count that high. Catherine Hardwicke is legitimately my hero. I’ve seen New Moon about five times, and the same goes for Eclipse.
Can it be March 23, like, tomorrow? If you are any kind of Hunger Games fan, you’ve probably watched the trailer 20 times by now (assuming we haven’t all crashed the iTunes trailer site). And now I feel I can admit that until seeing it, I was still a little bit afraid. Afraid that, despite the best efforts of Gary Ross, Jennifer Lawrence and company, there was no way a movie could give me the same chills as Suzanne Collins‘ books. But wow. I think they really can do it now. And here’s why.
1. Katniss is brave and scared, tough and vulnerable. Jennifer Lawrence has said that she told Ross she didn’t want to look like a badass when she shot an arrow, and she doesn’t. There is thankfully no voiceover to explain Katniss’ complex emotions as she sacrifices herself for her sister, decides that she can’t afford to befriend Peeta and struggles with the idea that she’s not just a girl in a fight for survival, but a girl in a nationally televised fight for survival against other children.