Kobe Bryant: Black Mamba Or … Zorro?

by (@missmuttoo)

Kobe Bryant must now hand over his nickname “Black Mamba” and submit to Zorro henceforth. There is no other explanation for his ownership of the super stylin’ mask he put on at the Lakers-Pistons game on Tuesday night. We’ve seen the clear guard — pictorially depicted on the right — a zillion times, but whutup with the sleek black version he had on for the first quarter? Because we’ve never seen one at a game … ever. No one’s ever switched it up like our man here.  Maybe he was trying to be this guy?

Apparently, the black mask is more comfortable because it doesn’t fog up like the clear one. That’s on point — just look at how messy it gets. And he needed a mask in the first place to protect his broken nose. That’s the official explanation. We also think it’s because he had three new faceguards made in Detroit, by the maker of Richard Hamilton’s masks, and just wanted to show them off. He’s a man of the world and he’s gotta know that Fashion Week season is on, right? And because, as mentioned before, who doesn’t love Zorro? Sadly, his superheroic efforts came to a screeching halt in the second quarter and he came back on with the clear version because his newer swag kept slipping. Style comes at a price. But we need to know whether his new style won you over or not? Or should he not care and just play the game?

[Photo: Larry Brown Sports/ Getty Images]

Miranda Kerr And Alicia Keys: The Dos And Don’ts Of Bling At Chanel

by (@missmuttoo)

We haven’t really had anything negative to say about Chanel in the past. We believe it’s bad karma and we’ve had our eye on a Chanel pochette forever. One day, people … one day. We also haven’t had anything negative to say about Miranda Kerr, because, and let’s face it, she’s a goddess and we’re mere mortals. But put Miranda on the Chanel runway at Paris Fashion Week (the show happened yesterday), and we’re definitely interjecting. Let’s just say we’re not completely sold on crystal encrusted eyebrows. Now Alicia Keys, on the other hand, was sitting on the front row at the same show and she did bling right.

We get that some folks may think that the Indian-inspired jeweled mang tikka or headpiece may be a little too much, but we think she looks fantastic. Styling is everything and we love that she kept everything neutral, including her makeup and that slicked-back hair. She also gets points for that sexy, plunging tuxedo top, which, on anyone else, would’ve looked a tad OTT, but is just right on her. So in essence: jeweled headpiece for the win. Crystallized eyebrows … not so much.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Debbie Harry Or Lindsay Lohan? The Answer Might Surprise And Delight You!

by (@hallekiefer)

Lindsay Lohan and Debbie Harry might have a 41 year age difference between them, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have a few common interests. Like having fabulous bleached bangs, for instance, or bundling up so that only their sunglasses peep out of their famous person disguises! So you can’t really blame the paparazzi outside New York’s Mercer Hotel for mistaking the Blondie singer for the Mean Girl actress  You can’t blame them, but you can, however, laugh and laugh and laugh at their stupidity…

Then again, in the days leading up to her SNL hosting gig until she flew back to L.A. with sister Ali yesterday, Lindsay had been shuffling around Soho with a similar incognito look. Sure, some people might think this mix-up is an inadvertent insult about Lindsay Lohan’s recent…facial appearance. We prefer to think of it as a huge compliment for Debbie Harry! Look at that smooth, pale skin! Look at those sweet shades! Where’s Debbie’s hosting gig, Lorne? Can she beat Lindsay’s ratings,  seeing as how Lilo brought in the second biggest SNL audience this season after Charles Barkley? We smell a new episode of What’s Up With That? brewing already!

[Photo: Splash News Online]

The 30 Sluttiest Rush Limbaugh Brand Ties

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Amidst this past week’s heated Rush Limbaugh controversy, one insignificant but nonetheless pretty hilarious detail has failed to come up – as Jessica Misener today reminds us, Rush Limbaugh used to have his own line of neckties, and they are downright trippy. It’s hard to believe that the same dude who opposes birth control subsidies could support a line of ties that are so guaranteed to get you laid instantly.

Below, a collection of the 30 Sluttiest Rush Limbaugh ties. The ties are ordered from least to most slutty according to Limbaugh’s ‘slut’ criteria, which is no criteria.

They basically all look like a stained-glass window f**ked the show Duckman and didn’t use contraception:

1.

2.

3.

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Did Tina Fey’s Kids Mess Up Lindsay Lohan’s SNL Monologue?

by (@hallekiefer)

Tina Fey‘s kids, we blame youuuuuuuuu! Well, not really, but we are sort of peeved that we didn’t get to see the 30 Rock star make a delicious cameo in Lindsay Lohan’s SNL monologue this past weekend. Not to point too many fingers, but it was apparently Fey’s germy adorable babies who threw a wrench in the works. “Tina committed to doing the monologue with Lindsay but both of her children got sick,” her rep revealed to the NY Daily News. “She was unable to participate as planned.” See, this is why our kids are going to be raised in a gigantic plasticine bubble: there is no way they are accidentally ruining any of Lindsay Lohan‘s big comebacks!

A source claims the former SNL head writer was “well into a draft of an opener that would have featured her and Lohan” before her family issues forced her to pull out of the show. So tell us: would a Fey cameo have lifted Lilo’s hosting gig to the next level, or is there no amount of Tina that could have saved Lindsay’s lackluster performance? Please watch the monologue again while mentally inserting a ghostly Tina onstage, and tell us what you think:

[Photo: Getty Images]

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Miley Cyrus May Want To Apologize After Annoying Christians, Punking Boyfriend

by (@hallekiefer)

Oh, Miley Cyrus. Naughty, naughty Miley Cyrus. Let’s hope she has the bouquet ordered and the apology card written seeing as how the Punk’d promo featuring her man friend Liam Hemsworth has hit the internet. “Oh, my God, babe — there are two naked people in my car right now,” Cyrus gasps as two scantily-clad individuals scamper into her SUV. The Hunger Games star makes a valiant effort to chase them out of his lady’s vehicle, but there is only so much you can do without, you know, having to touch a naked stranger. They probably taped this episode months ago so Miley might have already said she’s sorry, but seeing as how the world at large is only seeing it today…better go ahead and make dinner reservations at Liam’s favorite restaurant just to be safe, girl. Oh, and get your upholstery cleaned, if you haven’t already.

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Prince Harry Super Excited To Win Gold At The Fake Olympics

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Prince Harry is in Jamaica, and while there, visited the Usain Bolt Track at the University of the West Indies. And even though 3-time Olympic gold medalist Usain Bolt was standing mere feet away, that didn’t stop Harry from competing against himself in a fake Olympic race and, of course, taking home the gold for England.

Of course, being a PRINCE, nobody had the heart to tell him that there was no race, he competed alone, and he ran a 9 minute mile. Nope, instead, he spent the next 20 minutes just pointing to the sky thanking God with Usain.

[Photo: Splash]

This Dollar Shave Club Ad Is A Little TOO Viral

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Here’s a new wacky commercial for Dollar Shave Club dot net, an ad that is currently “going viral” on the internet, as your boss’s grandmother would now say.

Everything about this ad is amusing and well-done, but I can’t help but feel the overwhelming sense that every aspect is so preplanned and intricately streamlined for maximum ‘viralness,’ it’s barely even a thing anymore. It’s basically a copy-of-a-copy of the Old Spice ads (which were already ripped off by Dairy Queen) mixed with the Ojai Taxidermy ‘self-aware badness’ into this 90 second marketing blob that perfectly hits every note of what a viral thing should be.

I give it two years before every commercial is this:

Certainly doesn’t look exactly like any Old Spice commercials I’ve ever seen! What do you think, Barenaked Ladies?

Megan Fox Tries Out All Her New Sexy Faces At The Friends With Kids Premiere

by (@hallekiefer)

Megan Fox has had her sexy face down pat ever since she danced under a waterfall as an extra in Bad Boys II, but that doesn’t mean she’s letting her smoldering glance skills get rusty. In fact, Megan did everything but pull a Blue Steel at last night’s Friends With Kids screening in New York. Were all of her looks up to Fox’s Certified Sexy Face Standards? No. Would all of them look amazing delivered from the back of a motorcycle or while fighting giant robot aliens or during some kind of demon possession while Amanda Seyfried looked on, horrified? Yes, they would, and that is what really counts.

The only question remains, why is Megan trying to fix something that isn’t broken? Maybe she is trying to finagle her way into to watching husband Brian Austin Green‘s hit show 90210, which the actor has forbade his wife to see. “She tries to sneak them on SOAPnet,” he admitted to Vulture. “And then she gets in trouble for it. We have a rule: We don’t watch each other’s stuff.” Maybe if Megan gets her face sexy enough, she can finally win their on-going connubial battle. It’s worth a shot. No man can withstand that amount of sexy forever…

[Photo: Splash News Online]

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Ice Cube Considers Which Co-Star To Bust For Drugs First: Channing Tatum Or Jonah Hill?

by (@hallekiefer)

In addition to keeping the proud tradition of “black angry captains” alive in his upcoming action-comedy 21 Jump Street, Ice Cube gushed to BMBL this morning about his costars Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum. “Jonah is incredibly smart and witty,” the rapper and actor raved. That being said, just because Ice considers himself the “teacher” to their “grasshoppers” doesn’t mean he wouldn’t immediately (and gleefully!) send both of them to the slammer if they were up to no good. Which, we mean, just look at them. You know they are.

“I would arrest Jonah first. ”Cause’s the sneaky one,” Ice Cube muses. “With Channing, it’s all out in the open; you know he’s going to have a joint or two in his pocket. But Jonah, he’ll trick you. You think he’s a nice guy; he’s got all the pills in pocket.” Yeah, seems about right. Oh, and in case you were still pondering the exact date on which Ice’s song “It Was A Good Day” took place, the answer is not January 20, 1992 as was calculated in the Tumblr-verse. “That day sucked for me,” Ice laughs, before explaining, “‘It Was A Good Day’ is an accumulation. It’s actually a fantasy of what I would like at that time as a good day.”