Hoo boy, this guy. After rumors claimed he had some devastating news to reveal regarding President Obama, Donald Trump has instead released a video offering to donate $5 million to a charity of Barry’s choosing if the President “opens up and gives his college records and applications and if he gives his passport applications and records.” College applications? Do you know how embarrassing those would be if they got out? We barely want to think about our essays. “Why Working At A Summer Arts Camp Made Me Want To Go To Brown.” Ugh, how humiliating.
Of course the likelihood that Obama would indulge this insanity is slim to none (why would a standing president release his passport info? Let alone anyone?), and even if he did, Trump could just claim all the records are fake anyway. “I’m very honored to have gotten him to release his long form birth certificate. Or whatever it might be,” Trump declares, before listing some possible charity options for Obama to chose from: “Inner city children in Chicago, American Cancer Society, AIDS research, anything he wants.” If for some reason President Obama accidentally slips on one of Biden’s toy cars before October 31, cracks his head on the floor and is temporarily unable to make rational decisions, however, we would love, love, love to suggest some charities he could donate that $5 million too. Sure they’re fake. That just makes it a more satisfying challenge for Donald Trump to hold up his end of the bargain!