Autobiographies

by (@hallekiefer)

Jesse James Leaves Adopted Son With Sandra Bullock Out Of Autobiography

We have mixed feelings about the fact Jesse James left his adopted son out of his memoir American Outlaw. “Talking about Louis almost felt too intimate. He is so sweet and I miss him,” says James of leaving out the child he adopted with ex-wife Sandra Bullock shortly before their divorce. On one hand, no child should have to have his name in the same book as Bombshell McGee and the Aryan All-Stars. On the other hand…the rest of Jesse’s kids have to deal with it, so why should little Louis get a pass? He’s going to hear about it as soon as his classmates learn how to Google anyway.

James apparently continues to have a relationship with Louis, who spent time with Bullock and James’ other kids this past Christmas, “I’ve made my world pretty small. Now I can focus on what’s important: making sure [my] kids get good grades and are happy and healthy,” James explains of his new life with fiance Kat Von D. Which means no more philandering with strippers or porn stars, right Jesse? Right?

by (@hallekiefer)

Ashley Judd Reveals Sexual Molestation, Suicidal Thoughts In New Memoir

Ashley Judd’s new memoir All That Is Bitter & Sweet was released today, and with it information about the actress’s difficult family, and history of tragic abuse. Despite claims by mother Naomi and sister Wynonna that the musical family put “put the ‘fun’ in dysfunction,” Ashley reports that life was barely tolerable living with her stepfather, an “abusive full-blown heroin addict with a criminal record.” Says the younger Judd sister, “I was taught to believe that our lifestyle was normal and never to question it or complain, even when I was left alone for hours, sometimes days at a time, or when I was passed without warning to yet another relative.” It even got to the point where Ashley would take out her mother’s gun, debating whether “it would be worth it to shoot myself.”

Despite her film success through the nineties, continuing to today with the upcoming Dolphin Tale with Morgan Freeman, Judd’s sexual abuse at the hands of a family member’s husband and a local townsperson continued to send her into a depression. “He opened his arms, I climbed up, and I was shocked when he suddenly cinched his arms around me, squeezing me and smothering my mouth with his, jabbing his tongue deep into my mouth,” Ashley recalls about her molestation. Despite her struggles in dealing with her family’s tumultuous past, Judd tweeted this morning, “Book debut. Took a meditative walk to talk with God, grounding. Found myself weeping with gratitude. Called both my parents, thanking them.”

by (@hallekiefer)

Sammy Hagar Claims He Was “Uploaded” By Alien Life Forms

What would it take for you to read a book by the lead singer of Van Halen? No, no, the other one. How about finding out that Sammy Hagar was abducted by aliens? In an interview about Hagar’s autobiography Red: My Uncensored Life in Rock, the singer confirms, “That’s right. It was real. [Aliens] were plugged into me. It was a download situation. This was long before computers or any kind of wireless. There weren’t even wireless telephones. Looking back now, it was like, ‘F–k, they downloaded something into me!’ Or they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment. ‘See what this guy knows.’” Wait, even before wireless telephones?! Wow,  we are going to have to get this book out from the library at least.

However, the aliens weren’t content to just steal Sammy’s knowledge of frizz-reducing hair serum; they came from beyond the stars several times to mess with the rocker.  “That happened. That friggin’ happened, I’ll tell you right now,” Sammy maintains. “Another thing happened when I was about four that I didn’t put into the book. One time I saw what I considered to be, well, at the time I thought it was a car with no wheels. We lived out in the country and I saw this thing floating across a field, creating this big dust storm. I threw rocks at it and shit. And I don’t know what happened after that.”

So not only did Hagar spend a night as E.T.’s iPad, he also got “uploaded” while in grade school? Hmm, it’s almost like the aliens knew Hagar would get a book deal one day… They truly are a much more advanced species than us.