It looks like the Heene family has found a new and exciting way to exploit their kids, and this time it’s a treat for the ears! After soaring to the dizzying heights of fame by not soaring to dizzying heights in a balloon last fall, Falcon Heene is forming a boy band. He and his two brothers have reportedly been practicing in their new Miami home, and it’s rumored that parents Richard and Mayumi will serve as backup musicians. It’ll be like the Partridge Family, but much more desperate. Or the Jackson 5, but the dad is even more of a creep. The family hopes that the success of the band will help them sell their patented “bear scratcher” device. But don’t worry, we’re sure they’re in it for the music, too.
“Richard himself plays harmonica, and his wife is a good guitar player too,” says friend and music associate Smokey Miles to Radar Online. You may recognize him as the dude who wrote the Heene’s bear scratcher jingle. “They are encouraging their boys with the band, but they haven’t come up with a name yet. They wanted to call themselves The Balloon Boy Band, but for legal reasons, this would not be permitted, so other names like The Bear Scratch Band are being talked about as well.” Legal reasons? Is there a “Balloon Boy Family Singers” out there that we’re not aware of? Is this whole venture just a massive Bear Scratcher ad? “The family is doing well just now after everything they went through,” Smokey continued, “And they are actually a good example for other families in these recessionary times.” Totally! Why aren’t more families using their kids to pimp their crappy product!? People are so lazy.
This is not the Heene’s first attempt at music superstardom. Let us not forget last year’s musical offering, “Not Pussified.” Check out the music video (written and directed by Papa and Mama Heene!) up top.
In 2009, a lot of ordinary people became famous for next-to-nothing, previously A-list stars fell from grace, and quasi-celebs made outlandish statements for publicity. From the Balloon Boy stunt to Glenn Beck‘s fear-mongering to Tiger Woods‘ mistresses coming out of the woodwork; some people really tested our patience and wore us thin. Here are the top nine “celebrity” losers we hope go into hiding for 2010.
9. Balloon Boy’s Dad: Think little Falcon Henne had any idea about his fame-guzzlin’ father’s publicity plot while he was chillin’ in a box in their attic? We doubt it, and the little guy’s televised bodily functions pretty well summed up how we felt about the whole stunt after we wasted hours of our lives watching an empty weather balloon float above Colorado.
While 2009 started on an optimistic note, the year probably won’t go down as one of America’s finest—what with all the wars, economic crises and political gridlock and everything. Despite all this serious business, we still found plenty of time to pay attention to the antics of celebrities big and small—a little too much attention, on occasion. Here are ten controversies that, while treated like big deals at the time, we probably won’t tell our grandchildren about.
Oh noes! Michael Phelps smoked pot!
There were already signs Olympic hero Michael Phelps was not without his vices—that stripper he dated, for instance—but that didn’t keep people from being outraged when a photograph revealed that the swimmer not only knew what a bong was, but actually used one at a party! Despite apologizing, Phelps was suspended from swimming for three months and Kellogg dropped him as a spokesperson, not wanting their munchies to be associated with marijuana use. Phelps was back breaking records and winning medals by summer’s World Aquatic Championships—but with his drug use now a matter of public record, he’ll never grace the front of a Frosted Flakes box again.
Oh noes! Christian Bale got mad on a movie set!
Holy tirade, Batman! Christian Bale became an Internet laughingstock after NSFW audio of the Dark Knight star tearing into cinematographer Shane Hurlbut leaked from the set of Terminator: Salvation. While friends tried to explain how distracting it is for a crew to work on lighting during a scene, webheads couldn’t keep from wedging “Ohhhhh, goooood for you!” and “F— sake, man, you’re amateur!” into everycliptheycould. The giggles had mostly died down by the time Public Enemies came out, but we still can’t see the guy without yelling “NO!!! NNNOOO!!!”
A shout out to Balloon Boy Falcon Henne, who has perfectly summed up how we feel about this balloon hoopla in one fell puke. Surely you know the story: a boy climbed into his crazy Wife Swappin’ dad’s storm chasing balloon except he didn’t he was in the attic and CNN anchors had a orgasm live on national TV watching the balloon fly through the sky and come crashing down while the military and cops scrambled to help until they all realized there was no one in there and while that was going on the entire web was Twittering the whole thing and turning it into the biggest meme of 2009 and hey, the whole thing might be a hoax!
As if that wasn’t bad enough, the kid then went on CNN with his family, farted, and admitted to Wolf Blitzer that the whole thing was “for a show.” Yeah, that all makes us want to puke too, Falcon.
We could go into all the nitty-gritty deets from yesterday’s balloon debacle and today’s awkward aftermath, but frankly we’re burnt out on the craziness of it all and will happy let the rest of the web do it for us: