Rihanna knows her love life is none of your business. You know Rihanna’s love life is none of your business. We all know Rihanna’s love life is none of our business and, more importantly, we know exactly how RiRi will react if she was suddenly peppered with questions about canoodling Ashton Kutcher: not well. “Will we be seeing a certain Mr. Kutcher perhaps making a trip over here?,” a reporter named Sarah tentatively asked the Talk That Talk singer at the Battleship press conference in London. “Wow, how disappointing was that question,” Rihanna replied in a total deadpan, while fixing the reporter with a withering glare. Please do yourself a favor and watch the video after the jump; RiRi’s ice queen facial reaction is…beyond priceless.
When the panel moderator attempted to move their conversation past the uncomfortable silence, RiRi added, “I’m happy and I’m single, if that’s what you’re really asking.” Haha, it was, Rihanna! Please excuse Sarah while she crawls into this ravine now! Luckily Rihanna was able to laugh it off with costar Brooklyn Decker at the film’s photocall. We’d like to imagine RiRi gasping, “Did you see the look on her face when I said ‘disappointing’? And I didn’t even answer the question! So, so good!”
Is it wrong that we keep referring to Battleship as “that Rihanna movie”? The latest trailer has these shots of her that make us feel like we’re watching one of her music videos. We also know that Alexander Skarsgard, Liam Neeson, Brooklyn Decker and Taylor Kitsch are in it, but sadly, we get to see only a couple of tiny frames of them. As opposed to Rih, who has the camera panning on her looking intense, and who gets to say “Boom” in a very dramatic scene. The last trailer for Battleship came out in 2011, followed up by the film’s poster with Rihanna … and basically, everything seems to be about the singer. But this current trailer also gives us a couple more hints about what the storyline is going to be like. We see that poor Hong Kong is the first city to get its ass kicked by the alien invaders. We also get that the movie is pretty much like Transformers, only at sea. Also, Friday Night Lights vet Jesse Plemmons looks very Landry-like in a couple of scenes. Do we still want to watch it? Hell, yeah!
Rihanna threw herself a pity party on The Jonathan Ross Show this week over her unbearable singleness, but how can this woman be unattached when she looks this dirty fabulous on her new Italian Battleshipposter? Even with those tattoos? It defies all logic! “Single life is so overrated,” RiRi sighed on the British talk show. “It sucks. I have such incredible experiences in my life. You don’t want to live your life and then meet someone. You want to share your life with someone. That’s what I’m missing right now.” Look, we love sexy Rihanna and hipster Rihanna as much as anyone else. But tatted-up, alien-fighting Rihanna? The idea that this image can exist in the world and RiRi not have engagement rings stacked on every finger is baffling to us.
Rihanna‘s complaints also suggest to us that rumors about a Rihanna/Chris Brown reunion have been greatly exaggerated. As does her level of Adele obsession, which based on our experience, suggests she is days away from creating an OkCupid profile. “Her last album, 21, spoke to me so much,” Rihanna said of the British songstress. “It was so personal to her, but I feel like everyone in the world identified with it, to the point that I had to stop listening because it was depressing me so much. If you identify with it, sometimes you don’t want to hear about it.” Do you want to hear about how fierce you looking holding a machine gun instead, RiRi? Because that’s what we want to talk about. And we have got all day.
Is there a plot to John Carter? Probably. Is it what will ultimately draw many of us to the theater next weekend? Probably not. I mean, it’s probably got some good qualities, being based on an Edgar Rice Burroughs series, with all sorts of cool themes about underdogs and oppression. But let’s be realistic. They put Taylor Kitsch in that very impractical nipple-baring breastplate/harness thing for a reason, and that reason is not character development. BUT! This is not to say that we completely objectify the man who will always be #33 for us. On Friday Night Lights, Kitsch won us over with his vulnerable performance as much as with that heartstopping smile. And we’re just waiting to see how his new career as an action star, which continues later this year with Battleship, will play out.
Even though he told MTV News that he feels awkward about being a heartthrob, we kind of couldn’t help putting together this little countdown of his 20 hottest looks. It was a tough job to do, but you’re welcome.
Who ever made the second and most recent Battleship trailer was smart enough to know why most of the human race will be seeing it*: a fantastic lady by the name of Rihanna. Not that the huge action movie doesn’t look good in it’s own right; it’s also got Brooklyn Decker, Liam Neeson and some kind of centuries-old hidden alien army lying in wait on the ocean floor**. Most importantly, though, it has Rihanna’s acting debut***. It seems pretty solid! When RiRi yells, “What the hell is that?” you really feel like she wanted to know what the hell that was. As much as we love extraterrestrial fireballs with chainsaw tails ripping apart helicopters and smashing buildings, let us take a moment to pay homage to the best part of this and any movie: the precious seconds Rihanna is on screen.
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*Editor’s note: There are some of us who have had this movie’s opening marked in our calendars as “dinner with Taylor Kitsch AND Alexander Skarsgard” since last year.
**And also Eric Northman getting his face warped and Tim Riggins getting all militaried up.
*** “More importantly,” we’d like to mention, is only according to Halle Kiefer. Her editor would like to argue that nothing is more important than Taylor looking very, very worried.
The first official photo of Rihanna in Battleship as Petty Officer Raikes has the singer looking convincingly seaworthy, but believe her, that did not happen over night. “We worked with real military people, you know, people in the Navy, people who have fought in Iraq before,” the S&M singer told UGO about preparing for the film. “They pretty much came and drilled me. This one man, Donald, he pretty much drilled me, yelled at me, cursed me, ‘Ow!’ Made me do pushups.” Okay, but you know RiRi can handle it. The woman spends 23 hours a day in a bikini made out of Skittles, and looks good doing it. You only manage by having the stamina and dedication of a U.S. Naval Officer.
From all accounts the training must have paid off, because the Battleship trailer looks about a million times better than a movie based on a board game has the right to look. “I really want to say, ‘F–k you’ right back, but then he probably would have thrown me through the window!” Rihanna cracked. “I was so scared I just stood there and looked at him like, ‘I swear I’m going to get it right, I swear, I swear, I swear I’ll be good.” If he’s being too mean, someone just play Donald “Man Down.” He’ll get the idea.
You would have thought Transformers 3: Dark Side Of The Moon would have satisfied America’s thirst for robot warfare, but surprisingly the newBattleship teaser trailer has us wanting more. Starring Friday Night Light‘s Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgard and Brooklyn Decker, Battleship seems to offer a neat spin on the traditional board game set-up: since the villain is some sort of ominous airship, it’s looking down at us like we are tiny plastic boats to be used for its amusement! And are those pegs they’re shooting into the side of those boats? Why, yes. Yes, they are.
Our only problem with the film so far is the glaring absence of Rihanna, who makes her big-budget film debut when the film drops May 18, 2012. Oh, maybe Rihanna has THE LINE and they want to hold onto it until just the right time. You know one we mean.
Whoever’s seen the Just Go With It trailer likely recalls one thing: Brooklyn Decker in a skimpy yellow bikini. Tennis star Andy Roddick‘s wifey is making the jump from the pages of Sports Illustrated to the big screen this week, and bringing the curvaceous swimsuit bod that’s made her famous. Decker stars as a hottie of the magnitude that finally persuades Adam Sandler to retire his playboy ways. Not a stretch, we know, but she also nabbed the lead role in 2012′s Battleship alongside Rihanna, Alexander Skarsgard, and Liam Neeson. Take a closer look at this blonde beauty on the rise.
For a man who personally wrote and directed a blue alien version of Pocahontas, James Cameron rips into Battleship awfully hard. “We have a story crisis. Now they want to make the Battleship game into a film. This is pure desperation,” Cameron complained to German news site Spiegel. Rihanna is signed onto Battleship as her first acting gig, playing the role of Reikes alongside Liam Neeson, Alexander Skarsgard and Brooklyn Decker. Don’t worry, James, there are still plenty of board games left to turn into hastily-written, mediocre family comedies. Oh wait, you meant good stories. Yeah, we’re screwed.
Following in the footsteps of McG’s Ouija Board movie, we don’t blame the Titantic director for thinking studio execs are just raiding their kid’s playroom for inspiration. “Everyone in Hollywood knows how important it is that a film is a brand before it hit theaters. If a brand has been around, Harry Potter for example, or Spider-Man, you are light years ahead. And there lies the problem. Because unfortunately these franchises are become more ridiculous. Battleship. This degrades the cinema,” Cameron ranted. We have to agree with James on this one, unless the movie ends the way an actual game of Battleship always ends: with your little brother flipping over the board while throwing a tantrum, and everyone deciding to watch TV instead.
Battleship, the game of naval strategy and guessing letter-and-number-combinations is coming to the big screen. Yes, they are turning our beloved Milton Bradley game into an action flick starring Alexander Skarsgard and, wait for it. . .Rihanna. From the photos taken at her stage show, maybe she has a destructive military streak in her after all. (Doesn’t she look like she needs the stump of a cigar to chomp on in that pic?) Battleship marks Rihanna’s acting debut, though we have no idea what role she will play because the film is based on a game that has no people, just beeps and computerized explosion sounds.
Personally, we feel that this casting choice only makes sense if they can squeeze RiRi’s single “S.O.S.” in the flick somewhere (this is a game that relies entirely on distress signals after all). We doubt that they’ll use that old song though, you just know that they’re going to try and cram the line “You sank my battleship” into a dance remix. (“You sank-ank-ank-ank my bo-o-o-oat”?) The film is set to release in May 2012.