Bodily Functions

by (@hallekiefer)

Evangeline Lilly Farted In Passenger’s Face While A Flight Attendant

We want to start a slow clap for Evangeline Lily’s fart story, but no one can tell what we’re clapping about from our cubicle. Plus, our boss told us to stop trying to start a standing ovation in the office all the time and we foolishly agreed. While visiting Leno to promote Real Steel, her upcoming movie with Hugh Jackman, Lily described her pre-fame career as a flight attendant, and the excellent, repulsive revenge she would take on rude customers.

“One time there was this guy who was really awful to me, and I was really struggling that day, because I had really bad gas,” the Lost actress explained to a horrified Jay. “And as a flight attendant, you don’t let that go when you’re on a plane. So this guy got under my skin to the point that finally I decided to save it all up, and when I was walking past him and when I got to row 48… I let it rip, right in his face.” Can’t…stop…hands. From…applauding. Gross…celebrity…story. Too…amazing…to…control…body…Bravo, Evangeline! Bravo!

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Jessica Simpson Supports/Throws Up On Troops

Jessica Simpson weathers a lot of criticism for her brains, body and, yes, even her bodily functions. Remember the time US Weekly made an actual news story out of her farting in a meeting? Poor Jessica has made the news again for something beyond her bodily control, this time for getting sick while she was in the middle of performing for the U.S. troops on board the USS Harry Truman in the Persian Gulf last week. A source said “She was dehydrated and got sick before she performed — and even got an IV. The doctor told her not to sing, but she did anyway.” After one song, Simpson vomited from the heat, which was close to 100 degrees, and from dehydration.

Clearly she didn’t let her sickness get her down, because she Tweeted later in the week after her visit ended “Feel so humbled by the sacrifice the troops and their families make to keep us safe. I’m forever changed after this last week. Thank you!”

As a hilarious, you-can’t-make-this-up epilogue to the story,  Simpson’s latest Tweet is actually a link to a story about how to fart less. God love this girl. Glad she’s feeling better.