Breakups

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Gruesome Twosome: Tila Tequila And The Mac Guy

Poor Justin Long. We here at Scandalist suspect he’s experiencing a post-Barrymore downward spiral. Since their break-up, Long’s been spotted with actress Kirsten Dunst, but even she wouldn’t admit they were dating. Now he’s resorted to picking up reality television leftovers, in the form of one pint-sized bisexual sexpot, our very own Tila Tequila.

A source told Page Six that Tila and the Mac Guy were spotted together in Vegas, once at the airport and again at a club. Apparently, Long wanted to drown his love sorrows in Tila’s crotch, so he “asked her to straddle him while making out. Eww.” And honestly, we feel the source put it best: Eww, indeed. So does this mean Tila’s done with ladyfriend Courtenay Semel? [Photo: Getty]

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Divorcing Madonna Can Be Hazardous For Your Health

As if going through a very public divorce from wife Madonna wasn’t bad enough, Guy Ritchie has something else to contend with: her fans. In two recent incidents, the director has been attacked verbally and nearly physically by Madge’s legion of dedicated fans, one of which was wielding a knife.

While drinking in his pub The Punchbowl this weekend, the first fan approached Ritchie, ranting about his break-up. “He got a drink and started shouting about being a Madonna fan and ranting about the divorce,” said British tabloid The Sun. The fan allegedly continued to shout about having connections to the CIA before he was hauled off by the police.

In the second more serious attempt, Ritchie’s film set was invaded by a 16-year-old boy, screaming “I’m Madonna’s biggest fan!” and “I’m gonna kill Guy.” The boy, who was carrying a knife, was restrained by four security guards and arrested. [DListed; Photo: Getty]

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Simon Cowell Dumped After He Refuses To Impregnate Girlfriend

Terri Seymour has finally realized what we all knew: Simon Cowell is a rambler. He’s a wild stallion destined to roam the world, searching for boring new talent. You can’t ask a man like Cowell to settle down and raise a family. He must be proud and free—chest hair twisting in the breeze.

While she’ll undoubtedly miss his pointed barbs and baffling haircut, the TV presenter has decided to move on with her life after six years of trying to conquer the American Idol judge. “They are going to remain close friends,” Cowell’s publicist said in a statement. “Simon thinks the world of Terri and that isn’t going to change. He also understands her reason for ending it.”

According to the Daily Mail, so does Simon’s mother. “Simon has always said, ‘I don’t want to get married and I certainly don’t want a family’. I said, ‘Well you will change your mind’. But I still think he’s adamant that he won’t.” There, there, ma. Cross your fingers that scientists will master cloning. It’s not like Cowell could resist creating a mini-me.

[Photo: WireImage]

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Sienna’s Romance Hits Rocks

Poor old Sienna Miller. No, seriously! Reports are claiming that her romance with married father-of-four Balthazar Getty has hit the rocks, with him stalling on his divorce and she moving back to London for a cooling-off period.

Sigh. You’d think after enduring public vilification for months over your relationship, being held up as a homewrecker, hounded by paparazzi (so much that you’re now suing one of them), you’d at the very least have chosen the right bloke to go through this for. But it looks like Sienna’s knack for choosing dodgy men has struck again. She’s done the gorgeous film star who turned out to be a balding cheater who was shagging the nanny (Jude Law), the rough diamond who turned out to be a bit of an emotional liability (Rhys Ifans) and now she’s been lumbered with the “my wife doesn’t understand me like you do, oh yes, let’s get together, hang on a minute maybe we shouldn’t rush into things I have to think of the children” cliché.

While we totally understand that Balthazar doesn’t want to be based over in London as it’s too far away from his kids, maybe he should have thought of that before banging someone other than his wife? Just a thought. [Source: Sunday Mirror, Photo: Splash News Online]

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Madonna’s Marriage Contract With Guy: Scheduled Sex And Kaballah Lessons

We are so confused about the daily twists and turns in the Guy and Madonna saga, we don’t know who’s the baddy or the goody anymore (hey, we like to have easily identifiable characters in a divorce. Paul McCartney = good, Heather Mills = bad. Christie Brinkley = good. That older bloke who shagged a teenager = bad!). But suffice to say, as more and more stories are deliberately leaked to the press are dug up by Britain’s unscrupulous tabloid papers, it sounds like that marriage was a very miserable place to be.

Witness the latest salvo dished out about Madonna’s control-freakery: a marriage contract specifying amongst others, how often they should do it and what exciting exploits they should get up to on evenings together. …

“It stated that Guy had to ‘work to enrich his wife’s emotional and spiritual wellbeing’ and ordered him to devote several hours a week to reading Kabbalah texts with Madge. It even had instructions on what words Guy should use during rows ‘to resolve conflicts in a constructive way.’ Guy, 40, was instructed never to shout at Madge, 50, but instead look her in the eye and say: ‘I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this.’ The marriage rules said both parties must … ‘not use sex as a stick to beat one another,’” according to The Sun.

Our favorite bit is when they claim Madonna says, ‘Contract, Guy, contract’ whenever he naughtily broke any of the rules. Love it. We can’t wait till this saying hits the streets. …

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Gay Celebrity Marriage Breakup Still All About The Cash

We’re very proud that since 2005, it’s been legal for gay couples in the UK to take part in civil partnership ceremonies — essentially giving them the same rights and responsibilities as married couples. Among the celebrity couples who took advantage of this were the right royal Elton John and David Furnish, and (Scandalist‘s most futile crush) actor John Barrowman and partner Scott Gill. Among these were Little Britain star Matt Lucas, who wed his boyfriend Kevin McGee in a celebrity-packed ceremony in 2006.

But sadly, it’s all come to an end, with the couple divorcing today in London’s High Court, after a recent split. Matt signed up law firm Mischon De Reya to represent him, which handled Sir Paul McCartney’s millions in the Heather Mills divorce.

It’s heartening to know that whether gay or straight, we’ve all got the same interests when it comes to a breakup, which can be summarised as: GET THAT B*STARD’S HANDS OFF OUR CASH. Ahem. [Photo: Splash News Online]

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Madonna And Guy Latest: Now The Kids Are In The PR Battle

As we reported before, the deluge of blame-apportioning stories for Madonna and Guy‘s breakup are reaching critical mass. So, to clear up just who’s angry at who, why not use the children? Why not indeed? Madonna seems to have thought this was a good idea when she sent out eight-year-old son Rocco wearing a New York Yankees T-shirt. It was clearly just a total coincidence that it’s A-Rod‘s team, and he’s been cited as a factor in the breakup etc etc.

Of course, we don’t need to have it spelled out for us. We can smell a ‘f*ck you, Guy’ a mile off — there are no spontaneous gestures in the world of Madonna. But come on, Madge! The children? Dark. [Photos: Splash News Online]

Related Scandalist Content:
5 Reasons Madonna And Guy Broke Up
Music Videos: Five Songs For Madonna, Five Songs For Guy
Madonna Disses Guy At Concert?

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David Duchovny and Tea Leoni Split, Billy Bob Thornton Moves In

When David Duchovny checked himself into sex rehab a few months ago, the world giggled to itself (sex rehab! How very 90′s-Michael-Douglas-esque!) and then felt a bit sorry for Téa Leoni. We assumed she’d been putting up with David’s bad-boy behaviour for some time, but the crushing silence from her side of the fence should have told us something was up. Come on, she’s a celebrity, she could have worked the “My Marriage Hell With Shagger David” angle a bit more, no? As it turns out, the couple have not only split up, but Téa’s been receiving “explicit text messages” on her phone from none other than Billy Bob Thornton. Yes the five-time married movie star and one-time blood vial sharer with Angelina Jolie is now in the mix!

Apparently, Téa’s been spotted at Billy’s gigs, and “even helps him load and unload his truck.” Acting as a groupie-cum-roadie – now that’s LOVE.

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for Téa confirmed her breakup with David, saying: “Yes, they have separated. She is living on her own with the children in New York, but we did not want to announce it for the sake of the children until after David had received treatment for his problems.”

To be honest, we don’t blame her. David Duchovny or Billy Bob Thornton? Ever since he worked that Stetson and teeth look in Intolerable Cruelty, we so would. Go for it, Téa! [Daily Mail; Photos: Getty Images; AFP]

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Madonna And Guy Split – For Real This Time

It’s been rumored, and denied, then rumored some more for ages now, but British newspapers have now gone on the record to confirm that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are about announce their divorce. Yes, one of the least likely pairings in showbiz, which saw Madonna pretend to like sipping bitter in a pub and develop a strange London/Michigan hybrid accent, and Guy pretend he didn’t mind having his career eclipsed by Madonna’s, has proved that it’s not going to last the course.

“It’s very sad. They were a great couple and brilliant parents. They just couldn’t live together any more,” a source told The Sun. “Despite huge attempts to patch things up they both knew deep down that divorce was on the cards. It wasn’t a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when’. They tried hard over the last few months but their fighting was getting out of control.”

Madge was said to have wanted to keep the split on hold until after her Sticky and Sweet tour, but despite public shows of unity at Guy’s RocknRolla premiere, things have become untenable between them — including rows over Madonna’s plans to adopt another baby. Guy’s now set to fly back from France and collect his things from their Marylebone house and move into their Wiltshire mansion.

“He’s a really nice guy. I don’t think there are many blokes who can keep her happy. She’s famous for her reinvention, and it looks like Guy’s just another chapter in that reinvention,” Sun showbiz editor Gordon Smart told breakfast show GM:TV this morning.

It’s unclear at the moment what’s going to happen to their three children — Lourdes, Rocco and David Banda — but if we know Madonna at all (and we think we do. It keeps us happy, OK?), we’ll focus on the positive and look forward to the emotional, angry, sad “split album” in 2010. [Photo: WireImage]

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Tila Tequila Dumped Again

Has there ever been a bisexual reality television star as unlucky in love as Tila Tequila? Apparently not. The sapphic sexpot has been dumped by Yahoo! heiress Courtenay Semel after several months of exchanging bodily fluids in very public displays of affection. There’s no word on who the lucky lesbian is that snagged (or is it stole?) the ultra-moneyed Semel, but she was spotted holding hands with the brunette above before entering a bar in West Hollywood.

According to one report, Courtenay broke off the relationship after cheating on Tila. Ouch! Whatever will Tila do now? Should she try to sign on for MTV’s A Shot at Love 3? Or should she take a long pause before giving out any more “keys” to her heart?

Take a look back at Tila and Courtenay in happier times. [Photo: Splash News Online]