Do you find yourself wanting, nay, needing more Sheen sound bites? Do you want to be able to wake up at 3:00 a.m. and find out exactly where Charlie has been riding his mercury surfboard? Well, worry no more because apparently Charlie Sheen has a Twitter account. Man, Kanye is going to have to hire a think tank to devise a new attention-getting platform, once Charlie takes over his old one. President of CBS Les Moonves criticized Sheen early today, snarking “I wish [Sheen] would have worked this hard to promote himself for an Emmy,” but we’re guessing we haven’t seen anything yet.
Not content to dominate all of media, Charlie is also out to control his family life as well, or at least his family members. According to RadarOnline, Sheen wants full custody of his twins with Brooke Mueller. “Charlie believes Brooke, at present, is not in a position to care for the children with the love and attention they need,” a source claims. “He has consulted with a lawyer about what move he can take next.” Ah, but why ask an actual competent legal professional when he can ask millions of totally uninvested bystanders? It’s like America was just waiting for a marriage of their two favorite things: social media and unstoppable train wrecks.
Charlie Sheen sure had a great day today. If you have ten minutes you don’t mind never getting back, we implore you to listen to the full audio of Sheen’s radio rant on The Alex Jones Show to find out how spectacularly Sheen is doing compared to everyone else on the planet. For example, Sheen has a host of venomous (i.e. incomprehensible) insults for producer Chuck Lorre, who ripped on Sheen in the Two And A Half Men vanity cards. Charlie claims he “embarrassed him in front of his children and the world” by bouncing back so quickly, before calling him a “charlatan” and one of many “turds” who have a personal vendetta against Sheen. The actor also rips on Alcoholics Anonymous, calling it a “bootleg cult” based on “a silly book of lies” while scoffing “I have a disease? Bulls–t! I cured it with my mind!” We guess when you’re doing as well as Charlie, “cured” has the same meaning as “am not doing any drugs this exact second.”
Despite what we may have heard previously, Charlie’s ex Brooke Mueller is not on vacation with Sheen and his other goddesses. “Where there were 4 there are now 3. Goodbye Brooke. Good luck in your travels, you’re going to need it. Badly,” Sheen snarls, before dismissing the host’s compliments by saying “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a p—y.” Don’t worry, Brooke. If the Founding Fathers can’t measure up to Charlie’s demanding standards, well, then there’s no way any of us mere mortals can either.
[Photo: Getty Images]
If Brooke Mueller is indeed living with Charlie Sheen again, then it’s going to be a bit of a full house. Charlie seems to be creating his ideal harem around him, and if this story is true, then looks like he’s been successful in his utopian free lovin’ vision. RadarOnline reports that Charlie Sheen is taking Brooke on vacation WITH porn star companion Bree Olson, and other girlfriend Natalie Kenly. Natalie having posed for Cali Chronic X. Our brains just exploded.
Not only is Charlie taking his posse on vacay, it’s been reported that he’s been shacking up with all three women under one roof in L.A. A source revealed, “Charlie is back to his old sel —and that’s not a good thing. So much for rehab at home. He took off with the girls on Wednesday.” Of Charlie’s big plans for his harem, the source added, “Charlie talked about building a porn family and now he’s got these three women all living with him and taking off on vacation with him.”
Some may call him the luckiest man in the world (we’re wondering how he pulled if off too), but raise your hands if you think his chips are this close to cashing out. This isn’t going to be a PG-13 vacation. Not even close. And Bree Olson’s loving every second already. She just tweeted, “Going to a tropical wonder for a little while to relax with friends : ) minimal tweets so hold tight! Be home soon babies!” We can see the smile on Charlie’s gold grill already.
[Photos: Getty/Cali Chronic X]
Charlie Sheen was all set to plead guilty for assault on his wife Brooke Mueller and report to jail for 30 days. He even celebrated his plea deal with ex-wife Denise Richards!
Not so fast. The prosecutor, Arnold Mordkin, has stated that the plea has “hit a snag” adding, “We need more time than is available for us to complete some of the finer points [of the plea deal].” Elaborating further, a source has said, “The prosecution discovered that Sheen does not qualify for work release because he is not a local resident. He does qualify for useful public service, which has stricter rules, which Sheen nixed.”
Sheen was supposed to volunteer at a local theater as part of the bargain. The source, who is apparently privy to what’s being talked about between both parties added, “It was a poker game for the last couple of hours.”
“Everyone felt it was better to postpone until [the details] can be worked out,” Sheen’s rep has said. A new court date has been set for July 12 at 4 p.m.
As always, new details have surfaced about why the deal sank. TMZ revealed that a woman who works in the Pitkin County Jail unraveled everything because she refused to honor the agreement, even though her own boss signed off on it. The Pitkin County Sheriff, the undersheriff, the lead prosecutor and the Pitkin County District Attorney Marty Beeson all signed on the agreement. But the woman who supervises the work release program at the jail said she had problems with the way it was structured and made it clear that she didn’t care if her boss was committed. She would not enforce it, and basically, would not let Charlie do what all of the parties agreed he could do to complete his 30-day sentence. That’s when Sheen’s attorney Yale Galanter, who brokered the deal, canned the whole thing.
[Photo: Getty Images]