While we here at Vh1 are all proud alumni of the Get That Money, Honey School of Economics, some people seem to be completely stroking out over news of Lena Dunham‘s alleged $3.5 million book deal. “Lena Dunham became eligible to vote in 2004, so you should listen to her,” Gawker’sJohn Cook fumes. “Keep your hate pure, kids.” Declared The A.V. Club, “Of course, $3.7 million may seem like a lot, but consider how often you yourself have been tormented with self-doubt about what you’re wearing to the Met Ball, and what you might pay for advice that made you feel as though Lena Dunham understands you.” Lol, guys. Come on. “Hannah Horvath would be seething with jealousy right now,” EW joked about the deal. Yeah, and she’s not the only one. Search “Lena Dunham” and “book deal” on Twitter to behold a diva-off of impressive proportions. Does no one listen to Ellen DeGeneres or Nicki Minaj anymore? Don’t people realize that Lena’s haters are surely her best motivators?
The New York Times announced the Girls creator’s rumored deal with Random House this morning. The book, currently dubbed Not That Kind of Girl: A Young Woman Tells You What She’s Learned, will offer “frank and funny advice on everything from sex to eating to traveling to work,” including one essay entitled “Red lipstick with a sunburn: How to dress for a business meeting and other hard-earned fashion lessons from the size 10 who went to the Met Ball.” We just hope Lena writes at least one essay about having everyone in the world be jealous of her. Okaaaaay? Get that book deal scrilla, girl!
Jessica Alba is only thirty and she’s already making the rest of us look totally complacent. She’s an actress, wife, mother, businesswoman and has no decided to add author to the expanding list. Alba’s releasing a book called The Honest Life with co-author Christopher Gavin. He also happens to be her partner in the company they share, called ‘The Honest Company.’ The Honest Life is going to be a go-to guide of sorts which explains (and gives tips about) the organic, non-toxic household that she’s creating for husband Cash Warren and kids Honor and Haven. She told People. “It’s totally crazy but amazing, I’m not extreme. This book is for people who are in the middle but want to create a healthier life, like me.”
The books going to include everything from design to food tips, as Alba explained, “I’m a crazy foodie. I love doing projects with my kids. Everything in this book will be something meaningful that I’ve incorporated into our lives. I wanted some kind of handbook with all the information I was consuming so I could apply it in a practical way.” This sounds suspiciously Goop-y to us, but we’re going to withhold judgement until the book comes out and wish her well!
Courtney Love better lawyer up, and fast. Her ex-assistant, Jessica Labrie, is currently shopping around for a book deal in New York. Which would be perfectly OK if that book weren’t a tell-all about Love, tentatively titled Get Me a Xanax, says TMZ. Labrie’s account promises to be an inside look into the singer’s life, peppered with failed relationships and denial of drug use, which according to her gossiping ex-assistant, is a total lie.
Labrie worked for Love from 2001-2011 and over the decade, she claims that she has watched Love botch up every chance of romance that came her way because of her obsessive behavior. More disturbing, the book states that Love still uses cocaine and prescription drugs like Xanax and Adderall, despite publicly stating she’s clean. The book’s selling point, written up in the proposal, is the fact that it is “an unprecedented glimpse into the daily life of the chaotic widow of Kurt Cobain, by an innocuous girl who had the extraordinary chance to witness it all.” Innocuous girl, huh? That’s plain gall, since she’s basically screwing over her ex-employer for money. We may not be fans of Love’s behavior, but we don’t support hatchet jobs.
Harry Potter. The Hunger Games. 50 Cent’s novel Playground. Come January, young adult readers will be shoving their beloved sci-fi and fantasy titles aside for Fiddy’s semi-autobiographical book, about a 13-year-old who must make up for bullying others. Says Fiddy, “This book would have been very helpful for me growing up and now that I have a teenage son, it is my goal that this will have a positive influence on all teenagers.” So, we’re assuming he hadn’t started writing it in March when 50 Cent joked about the Japanese tsunami, right? He must have grown a lot as a person in the last two months, as well as gotten carpel tunnel from typing up an entire novel fast.
Of course, 50 Cent’s Twitter insults aren’t the only dish in his long history of beef. How about his feuds The Game, Lil Wayne, Young Buck, Fat Joe and Kim Osario, for starters?Ã‚Â And that’s just the first chapter in what could be an entire book purely of beefs. See, and that would could non-fiction. Fiddy has something for everyone in the library!
We in no way want to discourage people from buying Sheryl Crow’s cookbook. The woman is 49 and has a body of a 20-year-old pro tennis player; we certainly can’t argue with her teaming up with chef Chuck White to promote whatever magic elixir has her looking so phenomenal. That being said, the title of Crow’s book is, at best, what you’d imagine her cookbook would be called on MADtv: “If If Makes You Healthy.” Oh girl, that’s hilarious. So hilarious in fact, that we brainstormed some titles for her future healthy cooking endeavors:
The First Cut Is The Quiche-est
All I Wanna Do (Is Lose Some Weight)
Soak Up The Yum
Every Day Is A Winding Road (To The Gym)
My Favorite Milk-Shake
A Change (In Your Eating Habits) Would Do You Good
Strong Enough To Be My Flan
Ugh, does this mean we have to scrap plans for our upcoming candy cookbook, “If It Makes You Taffy?” In addition to whipping America into shape using amazing puns, Sheryl Crow joins Kid Rock‘s tour this summer, where they will hopefully perform a rendition of their duet “Picture (Of Sheryl Crow’s Totally Ripped Abs).”
This might be a stretch, but does anyone else remember the episode of Sex and The City where Carrie Bradshaw pitches an idea for an anti-children’s book about a little girl with magic cigarettes? It was like, a kids’ book you’d never want your child to read. Well that’s the first thing we thought of when we heard that Perez Hilton is going to write a children’s book. The man who became famous for drawing penises in celebrity mouths is planning to write a book which “celebrates individuality and self-acceptance.” Book publisher Raymond Garcia, explains that the book, called The Boy With Pink Hair, is “a defining story about how believing in yourself and following your aspirations can not only bring out the best in you, but also in those around you. With fun, colorful and endearing characters, Perez reminds readers that by simply accepting our differences we can find the things that unite us all.”
Look, we know that Hilton is now friends with a lot of the celebs he used to bait and make fun of, and he’s softened up a bit (i.e. now he just panders instead of poking fun), but that doesn’t change the fact that his legacy doesn’t really jibe with being an example for young kids. We’re all about promoting tolerance—we’d easily prefer a kids book written by Hilton over on written by, say,Victoria Jackson—but the guy earns his living by crapping all over people (metaphorically and Photoshopically), which is sort of a hypocritical stance, in our opinion. Are we being harsh?
What would it take for you to read a book by the lead singer of Van Halen? No, no, the other one. How about finding out that Sammy Hagar was abducted by aliens? In an interview about Hagar’s autobiography Red: My Uncensored Life in Rock, the singer confirms, “That’s right. It was real. [Aliens] were plugged into me. It was a download situation. This was long before computers or any kind of wireless. There weren’t even wireless telephones. Looking back now, it was like, ‘F–k, they downloaded something into me!’ Or they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment. ‘See what this guy knows.’” Wait, even before wireless telephones?! Wow,Ã‚Â we are going to have to get this book out from the library at least.
However, the aliens weren’t content to just steal Sammy’s knowledge of frizz-reducing hair serum; they came from beyond the stars several times to mess with the rocker.Ã‚Â “That happened. That friggin’ happened, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll tell you right now,” Sammy maintains. “Another thing happened when I was about four that I didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t put into the book. One time I saw what I considered to be, well, at the time I thought it was a car with no wheels. We lived out in the country and I saw this thing floating across a field, creating this big dust storm. I threw rocks at it and shit. And I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know what happened after that.”
So not only did Hagar spend a night as E.T.’s iPad, he also got “uploaded” while in grade school? Hmm, it’s almost like the aliens knew Hagar would get a book deal one day… They truly are a much more advanced species than us.
Charlie Sheen announced he was writing a book yesterday, though the actor might want to wait until the most insane tale of our times finishes writing itself first. “the title of my book has finally been delivered thru vast and extensive Lunar channels. “Apocalypse Me” Warlock Latin for WINNING. c,” Sheen tweeted. High school English teachers should just go ahead and add it to the curriculum now; this is pretty much the best American authors have to offer.
Which means we have to start a boycott now. Do not buy this book! Do not allow him to make money on this.Ã‚Â Is the Vanilla Gorilla planning to talk about all his incredibly tasteless sexcapades as well? Is a certain Michelle “Bombshell” McGee going to make an appearance in this excuse for a book? Because if he’s going to have the gall to talk about Sandra, he had better own up to his pathetic infidelity and general grossness.
Good lord, did anything not horrible happen to the Jackson family growing up? (Answer: probably not) As if Michael’s epically tragic everything wasn’t enough, apparentlyJanet Jackson had her breasts bound while working on Good Times as a child actress, a traumatic experience she describes in her new book. Says Jackson, “I was actually doing Good Times, and on our first day of shooting they bound my chest because they thought my breasts were too big.” Are studios following some sort of mathematical formula to screw up child actors? Because that’s what it seems like. It’s a testament to Janet being a bad-ass that she went on to become a multimillionaire performing artist rather than permanent changing into sweat pants and burying herself in Butterfinger Minis. Which is undoubtedly what we would have done.
Explains Janet, “I got the part when I was 10, we started shooting when I was 11 — I was developing early. It made me feel that the way that I am, it’s not good enough.” Not that she let it hold her back! This puts Jackson’s Superbowl boob flash in a whole new light! Before it was a completely unintentional (or, well, totally intentional), semi-humiliating wardrobe malfunction; now it’s a spectacular F U to anyone who would dare try to restrain Janet’s goods, co-starring Justin Timberlake. And for that, Janet’s girls, we salute you.