Celebrity Crime

by (@hallekiefer)

After Allegedly Brawling And Pooping His Pants, Dazed Jason London Tweets About His Meltdown

Do we even have to make the requisite Dazed and Confused joke? You know, the one that goes “actor Jason London must have been Dazed and Confused after he was arrested following a bar fight in Scotsdale, Arizona”? Seriously though, something confusing must have happened to the ’90s actor for him to have allegedly punched a bouncer, made a homophobic slur at police officers responding to the brawl and…um…pooped his pants in a cop car following his arrest. “Guess what f—–?  I f—ing love this.  I f—ing own you guys so hard.  I’m rich and I’m a motherf—ing famous actor!  F—ing look me up, bitch,” TMZ claims London told the police before soiling himself. This kind of puts brother Jeremy London‘s whole “I was kidnapped and forced to take drugs” incident in perspective, but what if we were to tell you that this isn’t even the most baffling part of this story? The most baffling part is London later went to Twitter to address the incident.

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by (@hallekiefer)

Glee‘s Mark Salling Responds To Sexual Battery Accusations On The Red Carpet Of All Places

Mark Salling Denies Sexual Battery Accusations

There’s a time and a place for everything, but rarely is the time “right before the SAG awards” and the place “the red carpet” for discussing criminal accusations of sexual battery. We’re guessing Glee‘s Mark Salling would disagree, of course, seeing as how he addressed a new lawsuit against him with E!’s Ross Matthews before the awards ceremony last night. “You hear about fraudulent lawsuits all the time, [but] ’til it happens to you, you really don’t grasp what it does, not to just you but your family,” the Glee star explained. “You want the legal process to happen as fast as possible, but it takes time. I want the chance to defend myself — and I will, vigorously.” Do you think that felt weird to talk about with Nicole Kidman standing five feet away? We imagine it’d be weird to talk about anything with Nicole Kidman standing five feet away.

Apparently the Glee star has been accused by his ex-girlfriend Roxanna Gorzela of a variety of horrible things: allegedly forcing her to have sex without a condom, allegedly grabbing her and allegedly shoving her to the ground where she struck her head. The only thing more awkward than talking about lawsuits and crime on the red carpet is to talk about them on Twitter, which Salling, um, also did. “You kind of have to learn as you go,” Salling said yesterday about dealing with the accusations, “but like anything else you have to stay positive and count on the people that do know you and love you.” And your publicist, who we’re assuming was standing off-camera, frantically waving at Mark not to talk about it right before the awards ceremony.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Well, This Sylvester Stallone Abuse Blackmail Story Is Certainly Disgusting On Every Level

Sylvester Stallone Blackmailed Over Abuse Claims

The fact we’re even writing about Sylvester Stallone‘s personal life lets you know this story is going to be jacked. Our skin just crawled right out of our cubicle after learning that the Bullet to the Head actor allegedly paid his half-sister Toni-Ann Filiti millions of dollars in blackmail to hush up her accusations of “claims for personal injury, including physical injury” allegedly perpetrated by Stallone. According to the New York Post, in 1987 the Expendables II star paid Filiti $2 million dollars, with an agreement to maintain a $50,000 annual trust and a $16,666.66 per month stipend in the future. Is anyone else even more weirded out that the Number of the Beast happens to be in the stipend amount? Just us? Why would anyone ever pay such a bizarre amount, even in blackmail money?

Now, we know what you’re thinking: don’t you need some kind of evidence to blackmail someone? If someone called us demanding money in exchange for silence about abusing our half-sister, we would point out we don’t have any half-siblings and hang up. According to Stallone’s mom, however, the story is kind of par for the course for the now deceased Filiti. “This was nothing more than a shakedown,” Jaqueline Stallone told the Post, claiming Filiti was a drug addict attempting to finagle money out of her rich relative. “Toni-Ann was on 65 Oxycontin pills a day, and she threatened Sylvester. A drug addict will do anything. When Sylvester became famous, she didn’t have to hook. He was trying to help her. He caved in,” she alleges. A drug addict? Oh yes, there it is: the only thing as sad as if her allegations against Sylvester Stallone turned out to be true.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Frank Ocean Had Such A Good Year, He Was Bound To Be Busted For Smoking And Speeding Soon

Frank Ocean Citing For Marijuane, Speeding

Oh Frank Ocean. After you dropped your critically acclaimed debut album, sang at the VMAs and came out on Tumblr, only to have celebs like Beyonce go out of their way to support you, thus proving that there is some shred of goodness left in the world, it’s no wonder you thought you were on a long-term winning streak. Your utterly amazing 2012 is also probably the reason you were cocky and/or foolish enough to drive 90mph in a 65mph zone while smoking pot. You’re like the new Icarus, Frank. You flew too high on wings of weed! Which would actually explain the legend of Icarus…

According to TMZ, the “Bad Religion” singer was pulled over in Mono County, California on New Year’s Eve for speeding in his BMW. The arrested officer noticed the vehicle smelled like like the set of a Harold & Kumar sequel, and promptly found marijuana in Ocean’s possession. Frank was cited for “marijuana possession, driving on a suspended license, and tinted windows,” in addition to having his license revoked. We say just shake it off, Frank. We were kidding about the Icarus stuff! We have no interest in watching you serve jail time or plummet it out of the sky or any of that stuff this coming year.

p[Photo:Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Ariel Winter’s Mom Denies Attempt To Release Nude Photos Of Daughter; We Want To Barf Slightly Less

Ariel Winter's Mother Denies Nude Photo Rumors

Is there a word for “slightly less horrified than we were before”? No, not “happy” or “pleased.” Something more neutral than that. Maybe “not currently throwing up”? We are currently not throwing up after TMZ reported that Modern Family’s Ariel Winter‘s mom Chrystal Workman has denied attempting to shop around nude photos of her eldest daughter Shanelle. “I have no naked photos of my daughter,” Workman told the site. Well, we guess that’s the best sentence involving the phrase “naked photos of my daughter” we can imagine someone saying. Thank goodness for small blessings!

Yesterday publicist Jonathan Hay came forward claiming the Workman had allegedly come to him hoping to release said naked photos to the media. We’re not exactly sure why anyone would ever do such a noxious thing, but we assume it would hypothetically have something to do with the fact Shanelle was awarded guardianship of Ariel. Also, maybe the devil would have something to do with it? Hay claims he refused Workman’s request. Best case scenario: Hay made all this up and Ariel and Shanelle only have worry about those…previous…abuse allegations. Worst case scenario: well, there’s a reason we have a legal system. And a gag reflex. And common human decency.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Lindsay Lohan, Bicoastal Criminal: The Actress Charged With L.A. Car Crash The Same Day As NYC Brawl

Lindsay Lohan charged in LA car crash

Say what you will about Lindsay Lohan, she doesn’t do anything halfway. Even where arrests are concerned. The girl somehow managed to be charged with two different crimes on the same day an entire country apart! OK fine, her L.A. charges stemmed from a car accident that took place over five months ago. But still, it’s pretty impressive.

The troubled Liz & Dick actress was charged yesterday by a Santa Monica prosecutor for three misdemeanors relating to the June incident where she plowed her Porsche into the back of a dump truck. At the time she told authorities that her assistant was behind the wheel, but investigators now believe that she was driving herself to the movie set and that she lied to police. As a result, Lilo faces charges including reckless driving, lying to police and obstructing a police officer from performing duties. So essentially, Lindsay got slapped with the legal equivalent of “Liar liar, pants on fire.”

Bear in mind, this charge came mere hours after her smack-down outside of the NYC club Avenue, where she was arrested for suspicion of third-degree assault. New details about this incident are also coming to light. It’s now rumored that the brawl was sparked because she was turned down by Max George of the band The Wanted. She had apparently seen the boy band open for (who else?) Justin Bieber earlier that night and wanted to meet him in person. She got blocked from meeting him back stage (we guess the bouncer saw Liz & Dick) but they met up later that night at Avenue.

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by (@hallekiefer)

Gabriel Aubry Alleges Olivier Martinez Death Threat And Things Just Get Worse From There

Gabriel Aubry Alleges Olivier Martinez Death Threat

See, we want to make more jokes about families fighting on Thanksgiving (because humor is how we deal with sadness), but considering how bad this news story is getting, that might be a tad gauche. Accurate…but a tad gauche. After news broke that Halle Berry had obtained an emergency protective order against Gabriel Aubry following a Thanksgiving brawl at her home, the Cloud Atlas actress’s ex is now claiming that her current fiance Olivier Martinez attacked him first, in addition to threatening to kill him. According to TMZ, Aubry alleges in a legal declaration the French actor was enraged over the $3 million he and Berry allegedly lost in her custody battle over daughter Nahla, leading Martinez to attack Aubry in the driveway. Witnesses told police that it was actually Aubry who started the fight, though with all the screaming and flailing any normal person would be doing at such a time, it’s possible that certain details were unclear.

Leading credence to model Aubry’s claims, however, are the bruises he has been sporting since the incident. Obviously we weren’t at Halle Berry’s house during the brawl (thank goodness, because we doubt that situation needed more panicked screaming), but the idea that Olivier Martinez would demand Aubry move to Paris or “Olivier would kill him” seems a touch far-fetched. Or maybe that’s just us hoping this story isn’t as horrible as it seems. It was a holiday, for pete’s sake! We are not looking forward to Christmas, is all we’re saying.

[Photo: Splash News]

by (@hallekiefer)

Jon Bon Jovi Breaks Our Hearts With Awesome Dad Thoughts About His Daughter’s Overdose

Los Angeles Local News, Weather, and Traffic

If there is one teeny, tiny bright spot to the recent heroin overdose of Jon Bon Jovi‘s daughter Stephanie, it’s that at least she has Jon Bon Jovi for a dad. The man seems way, way, way more down-to-earth and normal than he has any right being. “What I do for a living seems glitzy and glamorous but if you don’t take it too seriously it’s a great way to make a living,” Bon Jovi told L.A. Fox 11’s Courtney Fiel when asked about last week’s incident. “And then life goes on. Things happen.” See? That is a textbook Good Dad Response to a horrible crisis. Could…could Bon Jovi possibly write an actual textbook? It’s too late for the holiday season, but maybe for a summer read…?

As you might recall, Stephanie was arrested following her alleged overdose in a dorm at Hamilton College; the charges were later dropped after it was found that Stephanie had less than 8 ounces of heroin in her possession. Drug charges were also dropped against fellow student Ian Grant. Concludes Bon Jovi, “This tragedy was something that I had to face too so we’ll get through it. And people’s warm wishes for my family and I have been really reassuring. So we’re good.” Aaaaaand we are tearing up at a Jon Bon Jovi interview. We know Thanksgiving is going to be super awkward this yeah, Stef, but we think  you are in the best possible hands.

by (@hallekiefer)

Like The Changing Of The Seasons, So Too Must Lindsay Lohan’s Probation Be Revoked. Allegedly.

Lindsay Lohan's probation allegedly revoked

Like the changing of the seasons, the slow creep of the tides, the tick of nature’s eternal clock, so to must Lindsay Lohan‘s probation be revoked as part of the universe’s unending dance through time. In case you were still pondering the question “Will Lindsay Lohan’s fender bender land her back in jail?,” the answer is allegedly a resounding yes. TMZ had originally claimed the Santa Monica City Attorney would file charges against Lilo for falsely claiming her assistant Gavin had been driving when her Porsche slammed into a truck this summer. Now the site reports that, uh, well, that is actually happening right now.  Allegedly. TMZ claims that L.A. County Superior Court Judge Jane Godfrey will allegedly revoke Lohan’s probation and set a full hearing for a later date. This is all too depressing. We can’t even enjoy fantasizing about the couture pantsuit we know Lindsay will bust out for the occasion.

In case you lost tract of why Lindsay Lohan was even on probation to behind with and why this is still going on, the answers to those two questions are “That time Lindsay stole that jewelry for no perceivable reason” and “God only knows, our friend. God only knows.” As far as we can tell…it’s just the way of the world.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

There Is Nothing Not Tragic About Jon Bon Jovi’s Daughter’s Alleged Heroin Overdose And Arrest

Jon Bon Jovi's daughter Stephanie Bongiovi arrested after overdose

It’s bizarre to think that Jon Bon Jovi literally experienced a parent’s worst nightmare early this morning: receiving a call saying his child had been arrested following an alleged heroin overdose. TMZ first reported that police had responded to a call made from Hamilton College claiming the singer’s eldest child Stephanie Rose Bongiovi was “unresponsive” in her dorm room shortly before 2:00 a.m. Stephanie was allegedly treated at a hospital following intervention from emergency medical personnel, then subsequently arrested and charged after a “small quantity of Heroin,” marijuana and “drug paraphernalia” were found in her room. Thus begins a child’s worst nightmare: being simultaneously hugged and yelled at by a deeply terrified Bon Jovi. (We’re assuming.)

“In addition to violating state law, the actions alleged to have been committed by the students violate Hamilton College policy,” Hamilton College said in a statement. “The college is cooperating with the police investigation. Our first concern is always for the safety of our students. Out of respect for the privacy of our students and in accordance with federal regulations we do not discuss individual health or disciplinary matters.” Stephanie is currently recovering from the alleged overdose and has since been released from custody; she will have to return to court at a later date to face the misdemeanor charges. Fellow student Ian S. Grant was also arrested and charged with drug possession following the incident, but more importantly, will probably have to face the wrath of Jon Bon Jiovi.

[Photo: Getty Images]