If you’re anything like us, you still occasionally stop in the middle of the produce aisle or on the elliptical to ponder out loud, “Why did Fred Armisen and Elisabeth Moss have to break up?” Apparently the SNL star is finally ready to reveal at least part of the truth behind his divorce from the Mad Men star. How they hooked up in the first place…well, that’s still anyone’s guess. “I think I was a terrible husband, I think I’m a terrible boyfriend,” Armisen revealed on Howard Stern. Howard Stern went on to conjecture that Moss must “f—king hate” Armisen to have once commented “the greatest impersonation he does is that of a normal person.” Fred replied, “I imagine so.” Yikes. So…the answer seems to be that Fred Armisen is just the worst?
“I want it all — fast,” the Portlandia star said by way of explanation. “I want to be married . . . the amount of girls I’ve lived with right away . . . and then somewhere around a year, two years, I get freaked out.” Okay, well. We’ve probably heard enough. Oh, we haven’t? “Do you feel entitled to more women?” Stern inquired. “I don’t want to admit that out loud to myself, but that probably is it,” Armisen replied. Oh double yikes. We could read that Al Roker poop story while eating beef chili, but hearing Fred Armisen say he wants “more women” makes our insides frown.
[Photo: Getty Images]
We’re not exactly sure how divorces usually work (We gave up on our law degree to blog about Miley Cyrus’ dogs!), but a year seems like more than enough time for Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore to conclude that they really don’t want to be married to each other any more. Really. Us Weekly reports that Ashton filed divorce papers with the L.A. Superior Court today, citing “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for the split. We’re not saying his move has anything to do with his months-long relationship with Mila Kunis, but you know how it is: every woman dreams of one day dating a guy who isn’t currently married to Demi Moore. Blame all those Disney princess movies!
According to TMZ, Kutcher isn’t requesting spousal support, and asked that Moore be denied any requests to get spousal support in return. (We imagine that isn’t such an unusual request when both parties are millionaires.) The other reason we’re psyched to see Demi and Ashton’s six-year marriage come to an official close? It’s been almost a year since Moore entered rehab after what seemed to be a drug-related medical emergency. Now she’s looking healthy, hanging out with Lenny Kravitz and kissing 26-year-old art dealers. Seems like the right time to turn the page.
[Photo: Getty Images]
After Amy Poehler and Will Arnett’s separation was followed all too soon by Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman’s break-up, we realized that we have to treasure the comedy couples in our lives while we still can. Hold them close. Laugh when they sing about wanting to “impale” each other, like Parks and Rec‘s Nick Offerman did when crooning about his wife Megan Mullally on Letterman last night. Oh god, what would we do if they got divorced? Or if we lost any of our other favorite comedy couples, like…
As we watch Katie Holmes, Suri Cruise and Tom Cruise pick up and continue their lives following the divorce that rocked the celebrity world this summer, we’re still rather curious about what went down between TomKat to inspire such a rapid split. But contrary to early reports that Katie totally took Tom by surprise when she filed for divorce, court papers reportedly obtained by The National Enquirer, via Radar, things were over long before June 28. Their relationship had “broken down irretrievably for a period of at least six months immediately preceding,” the papers say. Or maybe Katie said they had, but Tom was oblivious? Or hopeful that things could work out? Very interesting.
These alleged court documents reveal a couple of other interesting tidbits:
NOOOOOOOOOOO! There is probably no other couple on the planet we would be more horrified to learn are splitting up. This is like Al and Tipper Gore all over again! Despite embodying all our hopes and dreams about “having it all” and “being an amazing comedy duo as well as sensual lovers at the same time,” Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are getting divorced after nine years of marriage. Their rep confirmed the suprising news to People, though we struggle to understand how he or she got the announcement out in between all their choking sobs.
We guess we would be less stunned by the news if we had any inclination that the Parks And Rec star and spouse were having trouble. Someone needs to consult their publicists for tips on how to keep a celeb’s private life on lock. The marriage was Amy’s first, and Arnett’s second; the Up All Night star was previously married to Penelope Ann Miller. The couple has two young sons, 2-year-old Abel and 3-year-old Archie, who is just so chubby and redheaded…oh lord, why? WHYYYYYYYY? Thank god we have the MTV VMAs to watch, or we would be running down the streets, tearing at our clothes and howling.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Wow, that’s the one-two punch right there, Kristen Stewart. First everyone in the Western world finds out the intimate details of your most regrettable decision, now your mom and dad are getting divorced. Call your grandparents, insist that Bear stay inside and make sure your car insurance is up-to-date, just in case! Terrible things come in threes! According to TMZ, Jules Stewart filed for divorce from husband of 27 years John Stewart on August 17. The couple has been estranged since June 2010, but we bet it would have been nice to get through the rest of summer without another painful emotional trial for KStew to grapple with. We were so close, girl! We almost made it!
Apparently filmmaker Jules filed the paperwork herself, citing “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for the split from her producer husband. Considering how quick Jules was to tell OK Magazine! “My daughter is being hounded!” following Kristen’s cheating scandal, we sure she loathes the fact that everyone knows her personal business this time around too. Luckily Labor Day weekend seems like the perfect time to curl up on the sofa together, watch Mean Girls and A League Of Their Own on repeat and cry. Then on Monday, Kristen can go to her mom’s house and do it all over again.
[Photo: Splash News Online]
Through the years, we’ve followed the highs and (very) lows of Kobe and Vanessa Bryant’s relationship. But despite how we may view this twosome, the only opinions that matter are their own, right? In a recent interview with The Cut, Vanessa, who’s always been icily quiet, reveals that she’s living the life you’ve only dreamed of with her gold medal-winning husband. Well, Mrs. Bryant, we highly doubt your life is all you’re proclaiming it to be, but in fairness, we’re game for combing through the history of your relationship to put this debate to rest. (You’re welcome.)
Kobe drops $4 million on a beautiful ring for his beloved wife.
The NBA star purchased the bauble after being accused of sexually assaulting a hotel staffer in Colorado.
Vanessa recently traveled to the London for the Summer Olympics, where she planned to wear “the flats with my red blazer, white T-shirt, and skinnies to support Team U.S.A..”
Kobe was seen getting cozy with Australian swimmer Stephanie Rice during a women’s cycling event at the Games, fueling rumors the two were an item.
Winner: Low. Hearing about your husband and another woman while you and your children are in town to cheer him on is the lowest of the low.
We totally get why Liberty Ross, the fourth party in the whole horrible Rupert Sanders-Kristen Stewart affair, is sending mixed messages about her relationship status with her director husband. The actress/model been walking around L.A. without her wedding ring, indicating she is none to happy with Rupert’s dalliances. But on Tuesday, they both were photographed outside an office building where they purportedly were getting couples therapy. And then yesterday, Liberty was snapped outside a different office building that is the workplace of several divorce lawyers. TMZ has sources that say she wasn’t there to plan a permanent split, however. Rather, she wants to reconcile with the father of her two young children.
So, somehow, a lawyer is going to help assure her that Sanders won’t cheat again? We’re very unsure of how that legal process works. Then again, it could be all about striking fear and remorse into his unfaithful heart. This woman, a successful model and fashion icon across the pond, moved to L.A. to support her husband’s fledgling career. At the very least, she deserves to get in writing that he’s not going anywhere near the Snow White and the Huntsman sequel.
[Photo: Splash News Online]
Related: Rupert Sanders And Liberty Ross: Everything We Know About The Other Couple In This Robsten Rumor
We know rich, beautiful, famous people aren’t more likely to have happy marriages; based on literally every celebrity divorce we’ve ever seen, the opposite seems to be true. That being said, we sort of have a crush on the squee-inducing trio formed by Miranda Kerr, Orlando Bloom and their baby Flynn. As such, we were fairly bummed by a recent rumor that claimed the two were splitsville. “She’s not wearing her ring, and she’s had a lot on her plate,” a source told Famous. “It could be that somewhere along the way her relationship with Orlando may have slipped between the cracks.” Well, looks like Miranda must have accidentally dropped her ring in the toilet before buying a bigger plate (Stars! They are just like us!), because these two are still going adorably strong!
“There is absolutely no truth in the headline or story,” Kerr’s manager Annie Kelly told The Telegraph today about the rumors. Hurrah! So not only are we able to stave off the emotional despair brought on by what seems like weekly celebrity divorces, but we also have an excuse to post pics of Miranda and Orlando’s little family unit? This makes us want to renew our vows right now. Our vows to be quietly obsessed with these three until it becomes borderline creepy.
[Photo: Splash News Online]
Look, we don’t know the ins and outs of Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas‘ relationship. We don’t have the time, resources or high-powered binoculars necessary to verify whether rumors of their impending break-up are true. We do know, however, that video of Antonio dancing with Indian actress Mallika Sherawat at Cannes this year proves absolutely nothing about the stability of their union. Take a look at the video after the jump if you don’t believe us: there is clearly plenty of room for the Holy Spirit between those two! If anything, the video is a testament to Antonio’s commitment to Melanie. If he wasn’t invested in keeping their love alive, Banderas could be booty-dancing up a storm! We’ll gladly offer our booties up as a test if you want, Melanie!
Color us dubious, but we’ve been hearing break-up rumors about these two for years, or at least since Griffith did that stint in rehab in 2009. “They seem absolutely fine. Honestly, they seem happy,” a source told People last night. The couple has almost made it to 16 years of marriage, which is, like, 3,000 years in Hollywood marriage time. As such, we…really, really don’t want these rumors to be true. We want Melanie and Antonio to make it into our Celebrity Couples Going Strong After More Than 20 Years list. You can do it, you two! Just check out your fellow old marrieds for strength!