Look, we’re all feeling pretty bummed about Katy Perry and Russell Brand’s divorce, but it’d be a shame to let all those Spandex dresses and extremely tight man vests languish in the closet for too long. It’s only been a few days, but we’re going to go ahead and gently push these baby birds out of their break-up Snuggies and back into the dating world. Besides Rihanna and Florence Welch, of course, here are our recommendations for the very special men and women that can distract Katy and Russell from their respective heartaches. Or at least show them a good time. And, at the end of the day, isn’t that basically the same thing?
If Katy is looking for something casual and fun after the pain of a divorce, there are few men as casual and fun as Ashton Kutcher. Maybe a little too casual and fun, so clearly this is for rebounding only. If Katy’s into something a little more long term, might we suggest Jonah Hill? He’s looking real good this year, she probably already knows him from Russell’s work in Get Him To The Greek and we are 98% he’s not a former drug and sex addict. If Perry is hoping for a collabo both into and outside the bedroom, she and Drake could definitely make beautiful music together. Beautiful boning music.
As for Brand’s future lady friend, the first answer is obvious: Helen Mirren. Russell and the Dame have been publicly flirting forever. Yes, we know Helen is technically married, but she also has an Oscar for Best Actress. We’re pretty sure that gives her a freebie. It’s in the Academy’s bylaws. If Helen’s husband isn’t down with that, might we suggest Rashida Jones? Not only is the woman stunning, she’s also sardonic and smart as a whip, two qualities that a dry wit like Brand might be into. If Russell’s looking for ladies who skew more Perry-esque, Zooey Deschanel is single, ready-to-mingle, and basically looks like Katy in a Peter Pan collar. If it’s the catsuits and vocal gymnastics Russell likes, Jessie J has star power similar to his ex. Plus the woman even looks good in an air cast! What do you think? Who would you set Katy and Russell up with, if you were a less horrible version of Millionaire MatchmakerPatti Stanger?
Do you think Sinead O’Connor started to get a divorce just so she could listen to “Nothing Compares 2 U” and finally get it? That’s what we think, too, now that the Irish singer has called off her split from extremely new husband fourth husband Barry Herridge. “Spent a beautiful evening of love making with none other than my husband,” Sinead tweeted today, admitting. “We decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend again and stay married, but we did rush.” We know living with her, Barry, is sometimes hard, but we’re glad you’re willing to give it another try. And by “is sometimes hard,” we mean “involves Sinead almost accidentally buying crack on your wedding night.” Really, nothing can compare to that!
The couple wed in Vegas on December 9 and announced their impending divorce on December 27, only to reunite last night. Ergo, we’re sure we won’t be hearing from them again any time soon. “So sinned got laid!!!,” O’Connor happily concluded on her Twitter account. Seeing her this happy, we’re assume Sinead O’Connor must have paid a visit to that doctor again. You know the one, who advised her,”Girl, you better have fun/No matter what you do”? In all seriousness, though, how does that guy still have a medical license?
We don’t like spreading vicious rumors here at TheFABlife. We don’t even enjoy reporting on good ones, if they don’t seem very true. But what we do like is imagining hypothetical maybe stories that would be very nice if they were true. Or something like that. Anyway, that’s what we’re doing as we figure out how to put a happy spin on the Russell Brand/Katy Perry split.
First, as background, the sad rumors: The U.K. Sunday Mirror reported that “insiders” said that the couple’s marriage has been on the rocks for a while and they’d even been in counseling because Brand, 36, wanted to leave his partying days behind him to settle down and start a family. But Perry, 27, didn’t want to be a housewife, the paper said. Also, they had mutually agreed to the divorce, but according to TMZ, Katy wanted Russell to file because her evangelical parents don’t believe in divorce (we’re pretty sure this technicality doesn’t get you off the hook, KP). One more sad thing, Russell was seen by himself at the Savoy hotel in London, and when someone at the gym told him happy New Year, he said, “Here’s hoping it gets happier.”
Oof. Now for happier rumors: Katy was able to have an upbeat New Year’s Eve, as people told the New York Post that she was partying it up in a private room at SoHo House in West Hollywood “One wouldn’t have ever even known that her husband had just filed for divorce,” a source told the paper. Read more…
OK, sorry we don’t mean to make this all about us, but we’re really sad to see this rumor confirmed: Russell Brand and Katy Perry are splitting after just over a year of marriage. Brand filed for divorce in Los Angeles today, and told People in a statement: “Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage. I’ll always adore her and I know we’ll remain friends.”
Perry and Brand had been spotted without their wedding rings as they celebrated the holidays apart this week, her on the beach in Hawaii and him in a pub in Coverack, Cornwall, England. A source said they had a “massive fight” before going their separate ways. And while everyone immediately said they’d be splitting up, we held out a tiny bit of hope that it was all nothing and they’d continue being one of the cutest couples of 2011, not one of the year’s shocking breakups. They really did seem like a sweetly odd pairing — him the very English reformed addict, her the California preacher’s daughter — and since they first started dating in 2009, they both kind of rose in our opinions. And there we go again, making this all about us, and how we’ll be ringing in 2012 with a little less of a belief in true celebrity love. Sigh.
Sometimes, we don’t like being right. Like when we worried that Sinead O’Connor’s marriage to Barry Herridge in Las Vegas earlier this month would follow the doomed path of other celebrity unions that began in Sin City. We especially don’t like seeing our pessimistic outlook confirmed by Sinead’s own sad message to fans on her website. It’s a candid revelation of what it’s like for one famous woman to watch her relationship undone by fame.
“I had for reasons u will all understand, wished to keep this private but have been told today it is to be leaked in the next few days despite my best efforts,” she wrote. The marriage was doomed from the start, she said, as friends of Herridge, a child therapist, discouraged him from being involved with her. “These were people who had never met me but had formed opinions of me based on what they read about ‘Sinead ‘O’Connor’ in the media etc.
“Within 3 hours of the ceremony being over the marriage was kyboshed by the behaviour of certain people in my husband’s life,” she continues. “And also by a bit of a wild ride i took us on looking for a bit of a smoke of weed for me wedding night as I don’t drink.”
Whoa. That “wild ride” comment is leaving a bit too much to the imagination (not that we want to imagine it!). But she skips right on to the saddest thing: Read more…
If The Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger woke up last night out of a dead sleep drenched in cold sweat, now we know why: Mel Gibson is about to be single and…well, he was always ready to mingle, wasn’t he? According to TMZ, Mel Gibson’s divorce from wife Robyn Gibson will allegedly be finalized today; Robyn filed for divorce in April 2009. That’s right! In case you had forgotten that one pesky detail, Mel was in fact still married during every part of his public meltdown: the anti-Semitic rant, the relationship and child with mistress Oksana Grigorieva, and, perhaps worst of all, The Beaver.
Gibson’s ongoing legal battle with Grigorieva aside, we’re assuming his divorce took so long because the couple married in 1980 without a pre-nup; as such, the mother of seven of Mel’s eight children stands to earn a sizable chunk of well-earned change. So…anyone willing to deal with Mel Gibson as your girlfriend’s crazy-eyed ex? Gentlemen? Hmmm?
Red wine and microwave popcorn, stat! According to Us Weekly, Debra Messing and her husband of a decade Daniel Zelman are officially donezo. “Debra Messing and Daniel Zelman privately separated earlier this year after a 10 year marriage,” the Smash actress’s rep confirmed. As if we needed another sign confirming what we know will happen if we opted not to live with our neurotic gay lawyer best friend. We get it, universe!
Said Messing’s spokesperson, “The decision was mutual, and they remain supportive of one another and committed to raising their son as a family.” The two are parents to seven-year-old Roman and, according to one source, are allegedly continuing to live under one roof. “They have been separated the better part of the year but continue to live together in New York for Roman. It’s very amicable,” the source claims. Hmmm, two exes living under one roof? Throw in a fabulous student nurse with an unhealthy Kevin Bacon obsession and a boozy bisexual socialite and you have yourself NBC’s new #1 series!
Parenthood is such a precious gift; it lets you pass on all those important life lessons to your children. Lessons like, how not to act when your stepdaughter is going through a messy public divorce. According to TMZ, Vanessa Bryant‘s ex-stepdad is now talking ish about her to the press, claiming she’s a gold digger…just like her mom. “Her mother taught her well to wait for the ten-year mark [before divorcing],” Stephen Lainesaid. “In California … it’s considered a long term marriage and then she gets paid for life or until she remarries … just like her mother is doing to me.” Hmmm, did Vanessa’s mom also teach her daughter how to leave an alleged serial cheater? If so, we’d say she’s basically earned an honorary Masters in Education.
Laine was married to Vanessa’s mother from 1990 to 2003 and helped raise Kobe Bryant‘s wife into adulthood, though of course 13 years of loving fatherhood is no guarantee he will not continue to act the fool in the media. “I have to pay her mom $1,800 every month and clearly they don’t need it,” Laine gripes. All we have to say is: we’re only five days into Kobe Bryant’s divorce and ex-stepparents are already getting involved? Mama said there’d be days like this. She didn’t mention they would be caused by infidelity and nutball ex-relatives, but we guess it was implied.
Basketball Wives is already an amazing program, though maybe they could focus a little more on how pro-sports wives are apparently part of a covet network of spies charged with seeking out and destroying all signs of infidelity. At least, that’s what we’ve been thinking since Vanessa Bryant filed her divorce papers Friday against hubby and Lakers star Kobe Bryrant. While the couple were hoping to have “resolved all issues incident to their divorce privately,” according to TMZ, Vanessa allegedly discovered Kobe’s numerous extramarital adventures from her fellow basketball wivesâ€¦.who in turn learned about them from their NBA star spouses. See, if this was the plot of Mission Impossible- Ghost Protocol, maybe we’d actually see it. Okay, okay, we’re going to see it anyway. You get our point.
Of course, we all kind of knew Kobe had some potentially devastating secrets locked away in some golden briefcase or supercomputer or his brain, seeing as how he publicly copped to cheating with at least one woman when slapped with rape allegations in 2003 by accuser Katelyn Faber. Though it’s not clear exactly what particular incident finally drove Vanessa to the courthouse, with ten years of marriage under their belt and no pre-nup, Kobe’s going to curse the day those amazing basketball wife spies infiltrated his life. And that, children, is how Kobe Bryant became a Bond villain.
The moment Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher announced their split, fans and media took all the attention they’d been spending speculating on whether they’d divorce and diverted it to new important issues like when Demi would change her @mrskutcher Twitter handle and what the new name would be. Well, Ms. Moore, apparently has better ways to spend her time.
“Changing my twitter name isn’t a top priority right now. sorry it bothers so many of u. should I not tweet until I do?does it really matter?” she wrote in a tetchy post last night.
Jeez, Demi, don’t snap at us! We’re not the ones who cheated on you with a 22-year-old.
Still, we recognize that this is a tricky issue. On the one hand, divorce is a very private matter, and we’re sure she’s in mourning over her marriage. On the other, Demi’s and Ashton’s tweets to each other (often written while they were on the couch together) seemed to make their relationship public property. Now, she wants her followers to take a step back, give her some space and let her take her time during this transition. Fair enough, Dems. But we feminists also want you to show the world, eventually, that your Twitter is just fine on its own.