Celebrity Exes

by (@hallekiefer)

Jeremy Renner Sighs About Being Lonely, Complains About Ex-Girlfriend

Yes, Jeremy Renner might have survived an ax fight and picked up the action hero slack in both the Mission: Impossible and Bourne series, but that doesn’t mean he can’t have feelings! One feeling in particular, actually: loneliness. “People had full-on mental breakdowns; I did,” Renner told The Hollywood Reporter about shooting The Hurt Locker. “Pure loneliness, that’s what it came down to.” Misting up over his recently deceased French bulldog Franklin, Renner also admitted, “”He was my solution for being so lonely.” Oh no! There aren’t enough ax fights in the world to distract you from a puppy funeral!

Sadly, our eyes went from filling with tears to rolling around in their sockets (like tiny sprinklers!) when Renner took a moment out from his crushing ennui to rag on an ex-girlfriend. “That was part of the issue,” he says of his split from ex Jes Macallan, who apparently made the mistake of deciding to become an actress while dating Jeremy. “I was going through the Hurt Locker campaign and she’s like, ‘Where do I get headshots?’ ” Wow, Jeremy. You must have felt like the loneliest man who ever lonely-ed! Here, sit on this mountain top and consider humanity’s ineffable solitude. Also…you can cry some more about that puppy thing if you want. We know we will.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Christie Brinkley Cries Over Hostile Ex. Oh, And Because Matt Lauer Is A Jerk.

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Christie Brinkley might be embroiled in a long-standing feud with ex-husband Peter Cook, but it was an interview with Today‘s Matt Lauer that had the model and actress breaking down on camera this morning. “It just doesn’t seem like you guys can get over this,” Lauer opined, pressing Brinkley on her decision to air the details of their messy divorce and on-going custody battle. “Is turn-about fair play? Some would say just turn the other cheek.” Matt also informs Brinkley that her ex claims she “castrated him in public,” which we really, really hope is some kind of awful metaphor.

On one hand, come on! This is the Today show; Christie should be promoting her turn in the upcoming production of Chicago, not be made to weep openly. “He says one of the reasons all this is coming up now is that you want to promote your role on Broadway,” Lauer declares, later adding, “There are two sides to every story.” Just a reminder, Matt: you aren’t grilling Kim Jung-un about his divorce! On the other hand…Brinkley must have known the interview would delve into even the most embarrassing details of her personal life. “I just want peace for my family,” she says, before getting choked up. Either way, this is not the kind of thing we want to watch while enjoying our first cup of coffee. Crying and drinking hot java is a dangerous game, people.

by (@hallekiefer)

Britney’s Other Ex-Husband Calls Her Engagement “Fake”

Let’s all say it at once: if only BritBit had married the other Jason Alexander. George might have called Britney Spears’ engagement to Jason Trawick “fake,” but at least he’d have the decency to do it behind her back/ while enjoying some delicious rice pudding with Jerry at the diner. Spears’ real-life ex, however has gone directly to the media with his allegations. “I know everyone wants me to be happy about this, but I am not,” Alexander told Us about his ex-wife’s impending nuptials. “I think it’s fake and I think people are afraid to say it.” To be fair, we’re guessing the man who was married to Britney for less than three days would know from fake. Can we get KFed in here to show the boy how to act right?

This isn’t the first time Britney’s first husband has gone after after Trawick, either. Last December Jason Alexander even alleged domestic violence; “Britney is in an abusive relationship. She told me her life had turned into a nightmare,” he told Star. “Sort of a nice way to sew it all up she marries her handler,” Husband #1 snarks now, referring to Trawick’s former role as Spears’ manager. “That way she always has someone controlling her. It’s sort of sad.” Can we as a culture just collectively agree to pretend she married the other Jason Alexander? Just change Britney’s Wiki article and our children will never know the difference!

 

[Photo: /Getty Images]

by (@missmuttoo)

Which Jennifer Lopez Ex Plans To Take It All Off For Playgirl?

It ain’t Diddy, or that dancer dude, or Jennifer Lopez‘s most recent — Marc Anthony. This gold-digging ex Ojani Noa! Remember the J.Lo “honeymoon tape”? Considering that little tidy stash o’ cash was denied after Jennifer blocked the sale of the video, you know he’s been looking for another avenue. And he’s found one. Or, it found him?

Ojani and Playgirl are inking a deal for him to make an appearance in the magazine. Let’s be clear — it’s going to be all of him! TMZ reports that deal will only go through if he agrees to do full-frontal shots. Which he doesn’t mind at all considering he told the site, “If the money is right, especially for full nude, then I would be flattered to pose for Playgirl.” Of course he would. There’s a price for everything, right?

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Denise Richards Surprised To Hear She’s Roasting Charlie Sheen

Sometimes people are born great, others have greatness thrust upon them. It’s the same thing with doing stand-up at Charlie Sheen’s Comedy Central roast. Rumors were circling this morning that Charlie’s ex Denise Richards was seriously contemplating taking the podium at the roast in August. Us Weekly even reported their source as saying, “She’s interested. Denise has a terrific sense of humor.” Either way, let’s not pretend this wouldn’t be an amazing idea. You  know that woman probably built a new wing on her house to store the thousands of unflattering anecdotes she wanted to throw in his face later.

However, Denise Richard’s Twitter tells a very different story. “I just heard the news I’m roasting Charlie? First I’m hearing this, Is that appropriate for the mother of his children to do that?Good, Bad?,” she tweeted this afternoon. The man parades his steroids-and-porn star lifestyle in front of America, and you’re worried about being appropriate? Oh girl child, have you learned nothing from being married to The Sheenius?

by (@hallekiefer)

Holly Madison Confronts Hef And Crystal About Engagement

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Having seen Holly Madison’s thousand-yard-stare on The Girls New Door, we assumed something like this might happen. Now apparently Holly Madison confronted Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris about their engagement this week. When she learned that her former flame Hef had popped the question, Holly admitted, “I’m very surprised. I have a lot of different feelings on it. I don’t just feel one way. I kind of didn’t want to put a generic statement out there like ‘Congratulations!’ because I felt everyone would see through that.” Holly and Hef of course parted ways in 2008, after which Madison dated Benji Madden and Criss Angel among others. We can’t imagine Holly’s current boyfriend, All Time Low member Jack Barakat, is super-thrilled that his girl seems to still have feelings for her ex-grandpa boyfriend.

So in a terrible move contemplated by many women and stopped by (almost) an equal number of best friends, Holly met with Hef and Crystal at the Playboy Mansion this week to tell them her feelings on the engagement, aka scream “Why not me?” and throw baby-oil on Hef’s smoking jacket. “I wanted to see him and Crystal and tell everybody face-to-face how I felt,” Madison explained, who filmed the encounter for the new season of her E! show Holly’s World. “I’d describe it as awkward. I just wanted to get my feelings out about the engagement and I wanted to talk to him first. It’s definitely awkward to feel like you’re confronting someone. I’m glad I did it. I wanted to be fair and tell him first.” Let’s hope Holly got the closure she needed. If not, we can tune into her show and see a beautiful woman cry over the love of a mummy. Which would make an amazing title for Hef’s next reality show.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Eddie Murphy’s Ex Burned Through $15 Million In 4 Years, Now Broke As A Joke

Joining the long illustrious list of celebrity bankruptcies, apparently Eddie Murphy’s ex Nicole Mitchell is broke after blowing through $15 million in 4 years, or since the couple’s divorce was finalized in 2006. Mother of five of Murphy’s seven kids, Mitchell reportedly took her divorce settlement as one lump payment rather than in monthly increments, which must have seemed like such a good idea at the time. Supposedly Nicole is not only flat-broke but owes $846,000 in tax liens, as well as millions toward her house, legal fees and landscaping fees. We can’t even imagine how someone would spend that much moola in just a few years, but we can safely assume it involves exorbitantly expensive topiary. Or it’s yacht-related, one of the two.

While her own finances are in dire straits, Mitchell is currently engaged to former NFL player and current FOX NFL studio analyst Michael Strahan. Now we’re not saying Nicole is a gold digger, mainly because if she is, then she is TERRIBLE at it. We’re just saying maybe you should think about getting a pre-nup, Michael. And a high-quality padlock to put on your yacht.

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Maybe Not The Best Idea We’ve Heard: Lindsay Lohan Moves Next Door To Sam Ronson

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Yesterday, when news of Lindsay Lohan‘s release from rehab was confirmed, we joked that her first order of business would be drunk-Tweeting Samantha Ronson. Well, what was supposed to be a joke is actually just a drop in the dysfunctional, star-crossed lover bucket: LiLo has moved in right next door to Ronson.

TMZ has photos of the Venice, CA building Ronson lives in, which is directly next door to the one where Lindsay just set up house. Meanwhile, a source tells Us Magazine that Sam “was shaking her head and looking disgusted” during the move-in. “She kept saying, ‘I didn’t plan it this way.’” We can imagine—Lindsay is especially fragile right now, and there’s no relationship more delicate than that of exes. Generally speaking, it’s best to let time heal old wounds, especially if they include accusations of cheating, public Twitter fights, and even physical violence. It seems like the perfect storm of destruction, doesn’t it?

Take a look back at the (formerly?) estranged couple in the gallery below.

[Photo: Getty Images]

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by (@hallekiefer)

Billy Bob Thornton Is The Nicest Ex Ever

And here we thought Billy Bob Thornton was just a creepy old weirdo who publicly confessed to a fear of silverware. Don’t get us wrong; he is definitely still all those things, but he’s also turned into the nicest ex-husband a gorgeous A-lister could ever hope for. Even more surprisingly, it turns out Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob are still friends. “We talk every now and then. She seems to be doing very well directing her own movie, which I am so proud of her for.” Aw! That is so sweet, we’re almost not scared of running into Billy Bob alone in some dark alley at night. We said almost. We’re not stupid.

Continued Thornton, “I always thought she should do that, writing and directing. She’s real smart, and very creative, and I think it’s a great job for her.” So that’s what happens when you break up with Angelina Jolie. She becomes a radiant goddess with a bazillion dollars and her own private child army, while you turn into a piece of human beef jerky covered in hair. We just hope when we’re huge superstars married to Brad Pitt, our starter husbands will be half as gracious.