Snooki is undoubtedly dealing with morning sickness, swollen ankles and a grotesquely stretched navel piercing right now, so why not celebrate the single best thing about being pregnant: the temporarily gigantic bosoms? Okay, clearly the single best thing is the adorable tiny human that comes out of you and becomes your family, but you have to wait nine months for that! You and your Twitter followers can enjoy jaw-dropping curves right now! “I got swagger with my pregnant self =),” the Jersey Shorestar tweeted today along with a photo featuring her plunging neckline. Someone tell Deena that we like the boobs already. If not, she’s just going to keep asking.
“They won’t stop growing. I’m scared,” Snooki replied to a follower’s flattering comments. We’re scared too, girl. Will JWoww be able to handle the competition? Do they even let pregnant women into tanning beds? What about spray tan? We have so many pressing questions that Snooki’s boobs cannot answer! Oh, Snooki also tweeted a cuddly photo of herself with her bethrothed Jionni LaValle, showing off her massive engagement ring and gushing “My FIANCÉ!!!” in what seems to be the first public confirmation that they are actually engaged. Let’s be real though, this guy is going to be around for a while. Until then…stop obstructing our view of Snooki’s chesticles!
Megan Fox is probably most well-known for her Marilyn Monroe tatt, her beef with Michael Bay and her bending real, real far over a motorcycle in the Transformers movies. Megan also played a child-hating hottie in her recent comedy Friends With Kids, but maybe it’s time we expanded our minds a little and began thinking of her as a person capable of bringing life into the world. No, we did not type the word “MILF.” Your brain just read it that way! According to RadarOnline, the This Is 40 actress and her husband of a year and a half Brian Austin Green are allegedly expecting their first child together. “They just found out and are incredibly excited,” their source claims. He or she also alleges that the “pregnancy was unexpected,” a detail that makes us raise one thin, sultry, Angelina Jolie-esque eyebrow at the validity of this rumor entirely. Still, Fox would look super-cute with a baby belly, so we’re going to hope for the time being that it’s true. No one can stop us from believing! Well, okay, Megan Fox could, but she hasn’t yet!
Megan is currently stepmom to Brian’s son Kassius, whom he had with ex Vanessa Marcil. “It’s still early, so they are only telling close friends and family members,” the source claims. “Megan has become a great stepmom, and Brian knows she’ll be wonderful with the baby.” More importantly, can we discuss how ridiculously attractive this child is going to be? The only infant in the nursery with razor-sharp cheekbones. Seriously.
Tori Spelling is no baby when it comes to giving birth, which is why she’s gearing up to do it again…for the fourth time…only five months after having a daughter this past fall! “Dean, Liam, Stella, Hattie, and I are beyond thrilled to announce that another little McDermott is on the way!,” Tori posted to her blog today, in addition to a photo of her current children’s adorably chubby hands rubbing her belly. “We feel truly blessed that another angel has found us.” Wow, hats off to you Tori and (to a slightly lesser degree) Dean McDermott, for willing to go through pregnancy and labor again already. We cry when we have to pull a Band-Aid off our arm hair, is all we’re saying. Though we guess the difference is, Tori gets an adorable baby out of her situation and we just get wrinkly weird Band-Aid skin…
It was actually not even a year ago that Tori announced her pregnancy with baby Hattie, who arrived in October. We’re guessing every pregnancy comes with some new knowledge of some kind. Let’s hope this one teaches Tori’s hubbie how to not tweet topless photos of his breast-feeding wife. May #4 be the lucky number, you two!
One, two, three, not it! We are not about to break it to Snooki that the infant she is cheerfully carting around Jersey City this week is just a lump of molded plastic, not her very own tiny ShortnTan (despite what the life-like peeing function might suggest). Damn the invention of the Cabbage Patch doll! Damn it right to hell! Not that JWoww is helping any; the Jersey Shore costar had her own bundle of store-bought joy as the two mommy-ed it up for the cameras. So we guess you have to tell her, too. Yes, you! Didn’t we say “not it” first? The defense rests!
We’re kidding, of course. We know Nicole and Jenni are just using the world as their home ec class for the benefit of their upcoming spin-off. They’re practicing how to get ready for Snooki’s newborn: picking out a stroller, purchasing a wardrobe of baby clothes, introducing it to leopard print. We completely understand. It’s probably hard to make scintillating TV out of footage of Snooki picking out a douala, Googling “meconium” (note: do not Google meconium) and rubbing cocoa butter on her abdomen to reduce stretch marks. Except now that we typed out those scenarios…that is all we want to see.
Reese Witherspoon is pregnant with her third child, according to the latest US Weekly cover! It’s no secret that we love us some Reese over in these parts so we could not be happier for her and husband, Jim Toth. Her 36th birthday is coming up tomorrow so it’s a cause for a double celebration, we think. This will be the first child for Reese and Jim, who will have older siblings in Ava (12) ad Deacon (8) who are her kids from her marriage with Ryan Phillippe. Sources say that she is “right around 12 weeks” and therefore “not planning to announce it.” Another source says that, “The timing is right. She’s so happy!” We’re offering our congratulations, but we’re waiting to hear the official announcement from her camp before thinking up baby names.
Jessica Simpson has made a second career out of ripping farts and making barfs and telling us all about them, so why should the gift of motherhood change her beautiful openness in any way? “I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha!” Jessica laughed about her massive baby belly on Jimmy Kimmel LIVE! last night. “Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!” Annnnnnd does anyone want the rest of our Jamba Juice? No, seriously, we aren’t going to finish it. Or any other liquid. Ever again.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Now, keeping that hilariously graphic mental image in mind, please listen to the (NSFW) verse Drake wrote specifically for his new GQ interview, during which he discusses his…uh…special relationship with Lil Wayne. “It’s just the industry’s small, we all lust for the same women,” he raps. “You know the ones we saw before we came in it, I know we aint tripping/ I know I got a couple things that Lil Wayne dipped in, ain’t ashamed to admit it.” Drake! Come on! First you romance us with wine and a waterfall, now you’re acting straight-up disgusting. We have to go take a shower forever, but in the meantime, tell us: which celeb story is more TMI?
Based on how much Deena Cortese cries during your average season of Jersey Shore, how much do you think she cried when she found out about Snooki’s pregnancy from the news rather than from her meatball sister herself? A million tears? That seems like a solid, conservative estimate. “I actually just found out when everybody else did. That’s when she decided to tell everyone,” Deena explained on Ryan Seacrest‘s KIIS-FM radio show this morning. “I think she was waiting because it’s bad luck.” Her costar Vinny Guadagnino seemed similarly stunned by the news, as he told HuffPo today, “It was definitely a shock, but you have to adapt to whatever life throws at you.” We’re assuming at least Snooki’s boyfriend Jionni knew before the Interweb did…right?
Despite their shock and awe at Snooki’s recent life decisions, her cast members think she’s going to be an excellent parent, boozing and Shore Showers not withstanding. “I think Nicole is going to be a great mom,” gushed Deena. “She’s a very genuine person and her heart’s always in the right place. She always puts people before her.” Said Vinny, “We all get into our hardships with each other and petty arguments but this is real life. She is pregnant and we are there for each other … I think it is a cool thing.” Aw, you guys are the best! As far as we’re concerned, the producers should just make room for a crib next to the duck phone next season.
Sienna Miller wants to talk about her impending baby times with alleged fiance Tom Sturridge. It’s just that doing so might have devastating consequences. We guess? “I’m in my second trimester, so I’m I-can-talk-about-it pregnant,” the G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra star told British Vogue in their April issue. “Even though I’m under strict instructions not to say anything as it would completely defeat the point of everything I’ve tried to achieve in the last eight years.” Wow, what could Sienna possibly say about her fetus that would completely destroy her life all the way back to 2004? Is she actually pregnant with government secrets? Or some kind of adorable baby time machine?
Of course, we completely understand if Sienna wants to keep the more intimate details to herself; being among the numerous celebrities whose phones were hacked by the now-defunct U.K. tabloid New Of The World would make anyone reticent to let the media into their lives. So what can Miller say about her baby that wouldn’t put everything dear to her at risk? “I’m feeling fine,” the actress laughs. “It’s all progressing nicely and it’s very exciting.” Oh no, the world as we know it is being ripped asunder! Quickly, Sienna! To the adorable baby time machine!
Not to be outdone by Snooki or ex-husband Nick Lachey, Jessica Simpson posed nude, Demi Moore-style, for the new issue of Elle. (In an alternate cover, she also wears a gorgeous red Narcisso Rodriguez dress, pictured below the jump.) We feel like she’s been pregnant forever (and imagine how she feels!), and are surprised to find that giant bump contains only one little girl. Well, we suppose that goes with the territory of having a kid with a former football player like Eric Johnson.
In the fashion mag, Simpson says she hopes her little one has her sense of style. “Ah swear, ah will croak if she asks me for a pair of Nikes instead of Christian Louboutins! Eric is so athletic. We’re gonna have this ath-a-letic girl and I won’t even be able to take her shopping.” (That’s the Elle editors mimicking her Dallas accent, btw.)
“OMG! I’m pregnant!” reads the headline of Snooki’sUs Weekly cover story. But sorry, magazine people, the only thing that’s surprising here is how weird they’ve made her look. Her normally cute, round face is all sharp angles, and the cups of that dress are too small for her boobs, and she’s holding her belly like she’s five months pregnant, not 15 weeks. But we do like that headline, if only because we can hear Snook’s voice saying it in our head.
Snooki, who also confirmed that she and Jionni LaValle are engaged, said they found out she was pregnant after New Year’s, which made her panic about the baby’s health. “‘S–t, I’ve been drinking!’ I was worried,” she told the magazine. “It was New Year’s Eve and we were in Vegas, so I did go crazy.”
But now the two 24-year-olds are determined to be responsible parents. “I have different priorities now,” she said, and she doesn’t care what the public has to say about her impending motherhood, “As long as I know I’m ready and he’s ready.”
“We are not going to screw this up,” Jionni added.
Well, good for you kids. We hope you stick to it. And we also hope the paycheck for this cover goes toward a totally sweet nursery for your tiny guido/ette.