While some of us might have rejoiced in the announcement of a Chad Johnson sex tape the way Ralphie rejoiced at getting a Red Ryder air rifle, Ochocinco himself was busy calling the Federal Bureau of Investigation to find out who leaked it. You know, because it’s illegal to steal and release someone’s sex tape without their permission? The wide receiver acknowledged yesterday that the leaked footage does feature him and two lady friends in a Florida hotel room, but says that the video is approximately three years old. Oh lord, yesterday was Christmas! Imagine your dad having to step away from the family party to call the FBI about his leaked sex tape. We hope Chad’s kids got the gift of zero Internet access this week…
While only segments of the sex tape have appeared online, Johnson’s lawyer is allegedly drafting a cease-and-desist letter to have the clips yanked off the web. Johnson believes the tape was stolen from his phone, which hopefully means the FBI will be able to track down his hacker just like they tracked down Christopher Chaney, the hacker who received ten years in prison for stealing nudes of Scarlett Johansson, Christina Aguilera and several other celebs. May the Johnson kids ring in the New Year by not having kids at school tease them about their dad’s sex tape, and to all a good night!
[Photo: Getty Images]
Hulk Hogan’s sex tape has leaked online, and now he’s about to let lawyer-mania run wild on anyone who dares distribute it. Translation? He’s totally prepared to sue the pants off of peeps. When the existence of the tape was made known back in March, Hogan promised sweet, sweet legal retribution. Even so much as a screen grab was enough to send the wrestling legend into a tizzy. So needless to say, when Gawker leaked a one minute clip of the tape yesterday, Hogan was, errr….displeased. According to TMZ, he is in the midst of writing a cease and desist letter to the offending website, demanding that the video clip be removed.
But that doesn’t mean we can’t describe it, right? (Checks legal council) We can? Great! Let us begin. Despite being just one minute long, the clip is truly something special. The woman in question is allegedly Heather Clem, the ex-wife of his best friend, DJ Bubba The Love Sponge. It begins with Hulk giving her oral sex on a canopy bed when a man’s voice is heard. The voice reportedly belongs to said dude, Bubba. “You guys do your thing. I’ll be in the office if you need me,” the voice says. Wait, wait, wait, is Hulk boning his best friend’s ex-wife … while he waits patiently in the room next door? From then on, our memories are just a scattered haze of 59-year-old thong tan-lines, spanking, references to rubbers and other unpleasantries that we’re trying our hardest to forget.
“This tape was made secretly without Hulk’s knowledge or permission,” says his lawyer, David R. Houston, who probably always dreamed of representing someone called “The Hulk” when he was in law school. “We are going to do everything in our power to figure out who did it. Anyone displaying the tape will be held accountable to the fullest extent of the law.” The tape came from a time in The Hulk’s life where he forgot the whole “saying his prayers and eating his vitamins” thing, and instead was in the midst of a four-month-long booze and sex binge. So much so that he claims he can’t even remember his partner’s name. So understandably, this is not a time he particularly wants captured on film for the ages.
[Photo: Getty images]
It’s a problem that affects every relationship at some point: you made a sex tape a bunch of years ago, and your big mouth rapper boyfriend keeps bringing it up every chance he gets, even spinning a verse about it in his newest hit song. And then your mom/manager gets pissed at him because mentioning your scandalous past is potentially damaging to your multimillion dollar monolithic media brand. It happens all the time, you guys! What do you do!?
It’s a situation familiar to all of us, and now Kim Kardashian is in a sticky spot. Kim’s momager Kris Jenner is reportedly furious at boyfriend Kanye West for consistently bringing the infamous sex tape with Ray J back into the spotlight, after many years of trying to sweep it under the rug. Yeezy made reference to the career making porn in his new track “Clique” and made headlines yesterday by admitting that he would watch the tape while having sex with other girlfriends.
“Kris had stern words with Kanye when she saw that he said he would put Kim’s sex tape on while romping with other women,” a source told RadarOnline. “She thinks it’s a disrespectful claim and told Kanye to stop talking about it at every given opportunity…By bringing up the past, Kanye is making it worse for Kim, but he doesn’t see it as that much of a big deal.” This puts Kim in the tough spot of smoothing things out between her mom and her boyfriend. Oh, and she also still has a pretty embarrassing sex tape floating around. All in all, not a great situation for Kim K.
We got some good news and bad news for you James Franco fans out there. The good news is, he made a sex tape. The bad news, it’s apparently pretty awful. During an appearance on Conan last night, the Rise of The Planet of the Apes star and renaissance man came clean about the one aspect of film he’s not so great at. “When I was young, it’s not like I went down to Van Nuys and tried to break into the porn industry,” he admitted. “I got a video camera and my girlfriend and I decided to film ourselves. And watched it back and said yeah, let’s never watch that again.” Although we’d kind of expect as much. If he can’t get the energy level up for hosting the dang Oscars, we can’t imagine his sex tape would be any better.
But the experience made him have a new reverence and respect for adult film stars. “Those people in porno’s are great performers,” says the Academy Award nominee. “They’re selling it to an audience!” He then went on to randomly mention his grandma in the next breath, for reasons we can only guess at. Damn it Franco, first rule of the porn industry: NEVER bring up Nanna.
[Photo: Getty Images]