When we look at all the mistakes we have made in our lives (and there have been SO MANY!!!), one of the most obvious has been our unintentional neglect of the diva known as Linda Hogan. Made famous as the wife of Hulk Hogan (who is also engaged) on Hogan Knows Best, Linda stole our hearts with a blindingly blue-white smile and a quick mascara-caked wink. Days, even weeks, go by without us sitting upright in bed, covered in sweat and wondering what Linda Hogan is doing right that second. And for that we are truly sorry. So today, in addition to sending out that hearty apology, we would like to congratulate Linda on her recent engagement to her fiancé Charlie Hill, who looks like a male clone of Linda created of herself. Any woman should be so lucky!
In celebration of this happy event, we would like to expound on some of the things that make Linda the epic diva she truly is:
- She appears though she was molded out of orange Play-Doh, like a beautiful peacock made out of lumps.
- She has the gumption to stick to her particular type of highly inappropriate boy toy: bleach blond, hyper tan, and younger than her own biological offspring.
- She has a boat named the Alimoney (?!?!?@#$^&!*@!), on which she is getting married next summer to her 21-year-old fiancé. Who used to be her son’s best friend. And is 21.
She has a boat named the Alimoney on which she is getting married next summer to her 21-year-old fiancé. Did you not read that the first time? That is all we need to know! To be fair, her fiancé looks like he is 21 going on 63, and that’s on a good day. Linda’s daughter and Future Cougar Brooke Hogan has said about her mother’s November-January 1 relationship: “I personally don’t like it at all or condone it, but she’s my mom, so I have to show her support. I went to school with him. He was a grade under me. Me and Nick know him well.”
Look, Brooke, sometimes divas (that are also your mom) make decisions that make average people like us say, “Oh God, why?” And yes, while marrying her son’s friend does kinda make Linda her own grandpa, we have to accept that divas are like beautiful comets. They are with us for only a short time, expelling gas and dust into the atmosphere until they crash onto South Beach. At this rate, we believe Linda has the goods to easily become a Coco-level celebrity in our eyes, and we are happy to give her a leg up. Even if it means having to go to the dry-cleaner to get all the bronzer off of our pants.