Chelsea Lately

by (@hallekiefer)

Gwyneth Paltrow And Cameron Diaz’s Cringe-Worthy Rap Saved By Excellent 50 Cent Burn

We’ve always loved Cameron Diaz (Has anyone seen the flawlessness that is Charlie’s Angels lately? It’s better than 3 of the four Spider-Man movies, we’d say!) and, uh, at least tolerated Gwyneth Paltrow (she has nice hair!), but our ears almost sealed shut when we started listening to the freestyle rap they busted out on Chelsea Lately last night: “You Chelsea! We heard that you got a brand-new studio/But we know you got on TV by being a ho.” Oh god, we’re dying. We’re passing on into the next life. We thought we had shuffled off this earthly coil when we heard Gwyneth rap on the Graham Norton Show, but we had no idea. We started to drift toward a bright light….

Then Gwyneth and Cameron brought up Handler’s relationship with 50 Cent, upon which we rocketed back to earth on a spaceship made of schadenfreude. “By the way, 50 Cent told us you like it rough,” they conclude, Cameron adding a few spastic thrusts for emphasis. Oh jeez, they went there! For all we know Gwyneth actually knows Fiddy and he did tell her all the gory details Chelsea’s sexual preferences! Everyone knows the second someone makes over $30 million, they are automatically scheduled a coffee date with GPal! Well-played, ladies. Not well-sung or anything, but still. Well-played.

by (@missmuttoo)

Zoe Saldana Feels Up Chelsea Handler

Girl-on-girl action is hitting a high note this month! First Zooey Deschanel and Rashida Jones made out for Our Idiot Brother and now Zoe Saldana feels up Chelsea Handler‘s rack? The Colombiana actress made an appearance on Chelsea Lately Tuesday night and couldn’t get over the hosetess’ impressive decolletage saying, “I have to say I was watching you from that little screen [backstage], and your rack is, like, amazing. Can I touch ‘em?

Chelsea was more than happy to oblige and allowed Zoe to feel her up. The verdict, incidentally was, “They’re real. They’re really good.”  And you know what? That probably totally made Chelsea’s day. Always good to know that the girls aren’t turning into old ladies.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Chelsea Handler Opens Up About Abortion At 16

Even if you aren’t a huge Chelsea Handler fan, you have to take off your top hat to her ability to go there. Seriously, she’s talking publicly about things other late-night hosts wouldn’t whisper to a priest.  In an interview with the New York Times, Chelsea Handler’s abortion comments are just further evidence that the late-night host could give a tiny sidekick’s ass what people think of her decisions. “I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that’s what I should have done,” says Handler. “Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are the things that people shouldn’t be dishonest about.” Is Jimmy Fallon talking about teenage abortions? Don’t think so. Jimmy Kimmel? Very rarely.

Despite her candidness about her own life, Handler practically loses her lunch over some of the choices she sees on reality TV. “We’re seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment,” she explained. “16 and Pregnant. Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.” But don’t worry if Chelsea comments offend you; she’ll inevitably make it around to some taboo subject you’ll involuntarily laugh at. Says Handler, “I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities. I’m a Jewish woman, so …” So someone tell Craig Ferguson to step up his game.