by (@hallekiefer)

Kathy Griffin One-Ups Jim Carrey With A Message For The Biebs

It seems like a nearly insurmountable challenge to out-creepy the Jim Carrey Emma Stone video, what with the super-tight focus, heart-felt earnestness and a reference to both freckle-faced babies and “the sex.” However, there’s one person who’s always up for a challenge, and Kathy Griffin’s Justin Bieber video succeeds…well, almost. We say almost since Kathy is obviously joking where as Jim Carrey, who’s site crashed due to an overwhelming number of visitors was…sort of serious?

Take her cues from Carrey’s video (no, seriously, she’s holding a cheat sheet), Kathy tells the Baby singer, “We would have kids, if I even have one egg left. I doubt it. We’re going to have to adopt,” later vowing “And the sex! It’s gonna be weird. The problem is that there’s an age difference. I’m a lot older than you, Justin Bieber. I’m 29. 39. 49. Just look me up.” At least everyone knows she’s joking, where as Jim Carrey’s explanation of the whole think reads as…sort of real? “Yes, my msg to Emma Stone was a comedy routine and the funniest part is that everything i said is tru,” the actor tweeted. Ha…ha?

by (@hallekiefer)

Jonah Hill And Mark Wahlberg Team Up To Kill In Good-Time Gang

If and when there are ever two hired assassins sent to take us out, we could do worse than Jonah Hill and Mark Wahlberg in Good Time Gang. The LA Times reports the pair will star in the upcoming action-comedy film as “two party-happy mercenaries who decide to take on a more serious case involving a terrorist, only to find their mission complicated when they discover one of them is related to the target.” So basically Lethal Weapon, but with significantly more wiener jokes.

Wahlberg has already demonstrated his comedic chops in films like Date Night and The Other Guys, while Hill has been recently skewing more dramatic with the upcoming Moneyball, co-starring Brad Pitt. By the time production starts, both will have taken on action comedies, seeing as how 21 Jump Street recently finished shooting. Speaking of shooting, $10 says one or both of these characters accidentally fires wildly into the ceiling. No, actually make that $10,000.

by (@hallekiefer)

Rob Lowe Film Combines Our Love Of Butterfingers And Serial Killers

Nothing gets our mouth watering for chocolate and peanut-y goodness like crazed murderers. We aren’t even kidding! We sincerely love Fun Size Butterfingers more than life itself! Clocking in at 25 minutes and reportedly “the first-ever film produced not by a major studio or filmmaker, but by one of America’s iconic candy brands,” Rob Lowe’s Butterfinger horror film seems to scream “Don’t lay a severed finger on my Butterfinger.” No really, don’t. You’ll get blood all on it.

We understand why this mash-up project should have worked: we love candy, the idea of Rob Lowe as a director and slasher films. But much like if you put actual Butterfingers, Rob Lowe and a supernatural murderer into a blender, the resulting combination is probably going to leave a bad taste in your mouth. Especially if you use Butterfingers BBs. Ew. Rob Lowe and horror movies? Yes. Rob Lowe and Butterfinger? We had a lucid dream about that once. Butterfinger and horror movies? Looks like we’ll have to wait and see. Meanwhile, we’ll get our hopes up for a sweeping Merchant Ivory romance directed by Emilio Estevez and funded by the good people at Nerds Rope.

by (@hallekiefer)

Sorry! Kristen Wiig Dumps Two SNL Characters

When we heard that Kristen Wiig retired two of her SNL characters, we had the same heart palpitations you’re having right now. We just want to reassure you: it is not Dooneese. We could watch that tiny-hand, giant-forehead wonder in ever sketch from now until the earth runs out of electricity to power our space houses. In an interview with Time, the Bridesmaids star confirms that we have seen the last of Gilly the mischievously homicidal school girl and Penelope the perpetual braggart. Though can it really be considered bragging if she actually is best friends with Liza Minnelli and a tomato? Wiig elected to retire the characters before they got too stale, and refuses to bring them back even at producer Lorne Michaels‘ request. We’re sad to see them go, especially since we didn’t think they were played out. Men, if Bill Hader retires Stefon at any foreseeable point in the future, we will hurl our hologram TVs through our moon windows.

[Photo: /NBC]

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Funny Or Die Tryin': 50 Cent Starts His Own Comedy Website

After successful ventures into film, technology and clothing, hip hop star 50 Cent is trying to break into the viral comedy game by starting his own website, Although currently semi-live, the site is to formally launch tomorrow with the premiere of his original web series, This Is 50 Comedy Show. The program will be hosted by 50 Cent associate Young Jack Thriller, and taped in front of a live audience at the Times Square Arts Center.

“The comedy game is about to change,” the rap impresario promises in an intro video on the site. “Your life is about to change.” We have to say that he’s sort of right. We truly haven’t been the same since we made our way over to his corner of cyberspace. Never has anyone taken comedy so seriously. It may look more like a pro-wrestling fan page than a humor hub, but for $2.99 a month the site promises to bring you “the cutting-edge humor of the nation’s funniest comedians.”

[Photo: Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Daniel Radcliffe Shows Off His Stand-Up Skills On Jimmy Fallon

Look, Daniel Radcliffe is already an international film and musical theater star. He doesn’t need to be good at stand-up; leave that for the less good-looking and millionaire-ish among us. Unfortunately for everyone working on their ten minutes, Daniel Radcliffe’s stand-up debut on Fallon last night was actually…sort of charming and funny. Damn that tiny adorable man!

“This is going to be terrible,” Radcliffe admitted, after explaining “I’ve also been completely fearful of doing anything like that, ’cause I think you’d have to be insane.” We love Daniel’s uncomfortable yet resolved face, and the cry of alarm from behind the curtain before Fallon introduced him as “Danny Radcliffe.” We aren’t going to spoil his one and only joke, which he rightfully attributed to British comedian Peter Kay. Between this performance and Daniel texting J.K. Rowling not to write another Harry Potter book after Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II comes out, looks like the rest of us will just head back to the open mics. At least until Daniel tries out his own material; then it’s anybody’s game.

by (@hallekiefer)

Gallagher Must Sell Off Props To Pay For House

Looks like maybe your days of pulling in the big bucks aren’t over yet, Carrot Top. You still have that giant trunk of novelty props, right? At least we hope that the case, given that comedian Gallagher is selling his props to save his home in Los Angeles. The famous funnyman must unload a wide variety of his fantastical giant comedy items to keep the bank from seizing his home, reports TMZ. Gallagher confirmed that he’s facing financial issues and as such is looking to unload “giant bowling pins, an oversized tricycle, a bike contraption, tons of weird contraptions and a 1989 Mercedes.” If that last item seems a little too normal for your taste, don’t worry; Gallagher as of yet has been unable to locate it’s key. So really it’s like a giant vintage paperweight! Perfect for an office at a clown college, perhaps.

As if the idea of Gallagher wandering the streets with only his sledge-o-matic and watermelon rinds to keep him warm, Gallagher had a heart attack last week on top of everything else. After collapsing on stage at a show in Rochester, MN, the comedian said he’s doing “fine” and looking forward to working again. Though if all his props are gone, Gallagher might have to switch to some Seinfeld-style observational humor instead. Don’t you get any ideas, Carrot Top. Once all your rubber chickens are sold off, that’s it. You’re done.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

The Situation’s Most Offensive Jokes Cut From Trump Roast

Wow. No wonder everyone booed The Situation at last night’s Roast Of Donald Trump. We almost started booing the computer while we were writing this. In addition to the Sitch making a vicious slavery joke about Snoop Dogg (“You know you have so much in common with Donald Trump? Trump’s ancestors were into real estate , and your ancestors were considered property.”), The Situation’s unaired Trump Roast jokes are even more offensive then the ones that we actually saw. TMZ reports that some of the jaw-droppingly offensive insults, aimed in large part at deaf Academy-Award winner Marlee Matlin, include:

  • “I’m not from New Jersey. I was born in Staten Island which is a New York borough, not to be confused with the burro Marlee Matlin b—s onstage in Tijuana.”
  • And as if The Children Of A Lesser God star hadn’t suffered enough teasing: “Relax, she didn’t even hear it. I mean hey, at least her mouth is good for something right? Hey, that was definitely some great work, Marlee. Have you ever done anything else actually?”
  • Larry King is rockin’ the Armani diaper, Seth MacFarlane is sporting Victoria’s Secret panties. And Snoop is wearing a Louis Vuitton condom. Nah, I’m just kidding, he don’t wear condoms, you know that!”
  • “I like Larry King; he’s a playa. He actually wrote a book named “Mr. King Is Having a Heart Attack.” He got that title from a hooker he was f—ing.”
  • Trump is a good looking dude … if your eyes are like Marlee Matlin‘s ears.”

YIKES! That is truly a horrible Situation.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Russell Brand Used To Smash Up Dead Animals On Stage. Stop! Our Sides!

Our stomachs ache from laughing so much at the idea of Russell Brand smashing dead animals with a hammer on-stage. Oh, no, sorry, we meant to write “throwing up.” Our stomachs ache from throwing up. Author Neil Strauss informed RadarOnline that Brand copped to mushing up deceased creatures as part of his early performance art. “I’d smash them up with a hammer and then throw them into the audience and go, ‘Why are you disgusted?  I’ve just rearranged their atoms.  They’re dead already.  Nothing’s happened. You’re being shocked by nothing,'” the comedian explained. Because if you don’t give a standing ovation when someone screams and throws a dead chicken in your face, it’s probably because you just don’t “get it.” Last Comic Standing this ain’t!

While Brand was struggling with drug addiction and wasn’t yet a comic at the time, that doesn’t mean he didn’t crave applause, says Strauss. “He was clearly on drugs when he smashed the animals on stage. Also, the whole show was about shock value, because at the time he was hungry for attention because he had just started out,” he explains. So basically Russell Brand started out as Gallagher…of death. Call us squares, but we’ll take being sprayed with watermelon juice over decaying rat pieces any day, thankyouverymuch.

by (@hallekiefer)

Last Comic Standing‘s Mike DeStefano Dies

In news that just no one wants to hear, Last Comic Standing finalist Mike DeStefano died last night of heart failure. An HIV-positive former heroin addict know for his gruff stand-up style, the Bronx-born comedian made it to the top five during last year’s season, and toured with the other Standing comedians this fall. In addition to his foul-mouth stand-up routines, DeStefano’s story-telling through New York’s The Moth about the death of his wife from AIDS helped inform his signature fearless style.

Other comedians like Marc Maron are offering tribute to the comedian, who has performed on Late Night With Conan O’Brien and the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen to name a few. “Deep, real, life. RIP,” Maron tweeted. The comic’s management company 3 Arts Entertainment confirms Stefano’s death, saying in a statement “We are indeed incredibly saddened by the loss of this amazing man. He had touched the lives of many with his unique brand of comedy and was looking forward to sharing the same with so many more. Mostly, we will all miss his huge heart and incredibly loving and selfless passion for people.” Anyone who saw the show or seen DeStefano’s stand-up know what a talented performer he was; he will undoubtedly be missed.

[Photo: Getty Images]