Everyone’s taken a truly odd job at some point in their life to pay the rent. The difference between normal people and movie stars is that for those movie stars, those truly odd jobs were goofy commercials. What does that mean? It means that we can watch and laugh at them anytime we want.
If you or someone in your household has had your television turned to sports anytime in the last week, you’ve no doubt seen the latest commercial from DirectTV (see above), in which a horribly bedraggled man wearing the world’s worst bathrobe badgers his wife about the fact that he hasn’t gotten to see her naked in awhile. The spot is ostensibly about how you need to subscribe to DirectTV so you can avoid arguments over whose programs are taking up more space on the DVR, but we can’t help but wonder if an overloaded DVR is the least of this couple’s issues.
The spot is clearly targeted at men, as the protagonist of the spot is the aforementioned bathrobe enthusiast (that and the fact that the commercial seemingly only runs during sports). However, we would have a hard time believing that any individual of any gender would voluntarily identify with the loutish bathrobe-clad douche, what with his passive aggressive swipes about his lack of DirectTV, his downright disdain for his (sorta sexy) wifey, and his stunningly unattractive tooth brushing style. Is it any wonder that his wife would abstain from sexual relations with the poor man’s Rob Huebel, a guy who whines incessantly about the importance of “his” shows and wears flimsy bathrobes purchased from the clearance rack at an outlet mall? We can’t help but feel like a DirectTV Divorce is on the horizon for these two. Conflict boxes, indeed.
Rihanna’s Armani ads consistently make us feel like we need to invest in new jeans and new undies and, well, new gym memberships. Her new Armani Jeans commercial, however, makes us feel like we’re traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of the mind. And like maybe Rihanna‘s apartment is haunted by sexy ghosts? Or she has some kind of terrifying memory problem…in a hot way? By our count, here are the ten oddest parts of RiRi’s spooky new spot:
- The fact RiRi is sleeping in her bra. We’ve all fallen asleep on the sofa watching 30 Rock, but girl’s brassiere looks like it’s going to suffocate her in the middle of the night.
- Rihanna owns a rotary phone.
- Not only does Rihanna own a rotary phone, she doesn’t seem to notice that it is off the hook, despite the loud beeping sound. Maybe you would stop tossing and turning all night if you would just hang up the phone, girl!
- Oh wait…Rihanna does hang up the phone, only to find it inexplicably off the hook again. Whaaaa? Is this real life? We’re calling it now: poltergeist.
Is it hot in here, or is that just the steam coming off all this cheesy beef? Kate Upton‘s Carl’s Jr. add is here, and we are wondering how anyone in that drive-in theater can pay attention to the movie. The Sports Illustrated model must eat her meals in the privacy of her own home, or else risk getting arrested for public indecency. Having Upton do everything but make love to a patty melt in a parked car isn’t the first time Carl’s Jr. has gotten raunchy to sell a burger, however. And they’re not the only ones! Take a look at sexy food ads from Burger King, Hardees, PETA and Guinness and see if you can remember what product they are selling by the end of it. For those of you who enjoy a boner with your burger, enjoy! (Or lady boner; TheFABlife does not discriminate!)
Justin Bieber’s new Proactiv commercial somehow manages to bring together all of the singer’s greatest loves: pranks, teen ladies and giggling. Oh, and having skin as smooth as his own baby-like bottom. Using a bullhorn and a series of wackadoo accents, Bieber chuckles his way through a faux Proactiv shoot starring some very confused but professional teen custumers. Those girls would have spun for days if their mysteriously hidden, questionably British director had asked them too!
Luckily, Bieber makes it up to his stunned prankees with, well, a visit from Justin Bieber. We get the feeling that being tricked by Bieber only makes Proactiv work better. Well…we assume he doesn’t make it work worse. We’re glad Justin’s monkeyshines were on the gentle side for this ad, because what girl wants to be humiliated while shooting a commercial for zit prevention? Absolutely none. Now where’s our adult acne spot, Biebs?!?
We normally hate it when gorgeous actresses joke about being less than stunningly beautiful, but we like Emily Blunt so much, we’d settle for shaking her incredibly toned shoulders while screaming, “Snap out of it!” “God, I’m so un-French in that trailer,” Blunt moaned to Britain’s The Telegraph about her YSL Opium ad, saying “I don’t know. I’ve no idea” why the fashion house hired her and declaring, “They made a mistake, a terrible mistake.” What what wha? We know your last role was in The Muppet Movie, but pull yourself together, woman!
As for the commercial itself, let’s be honest: Emily’s cleavage alone makes the entire country of France seem obsolete. They probably didn’t even use a trained cheetah; it just saw Blunt’s amazing hair and was stunned into domestication! Don’t take our word for it; check out Emily’s Opium ad to see what kind of horrifying “mistake” has been made.
Justin Bieber has got your back this holiday season, girl. If by “got,” you mean “applied Vick’s VapoRub and a stethoscope to.” Justin continues to appeal to the parental units in his newest Someday ad, following up on his clever but off-putting “Dear Dad” spot. In the ad the Biebs warns against Lame Holiday Swag, or LHS. “Symptoms include a lame face, dry mouth, even hysteria caused from uncool swag,” Bieber gravely explains. A lame face? Dear Lord…we think we might have had LHS this entire time!
If you aren’t exactly feeling Dr. Bieber’s diagnosis, you can still look to Justin’s real-life good deeds to treat that nausea and fatigue. Earlier this afternoon the “Baby, Baby” singer performed a concert at Whitney Elementary School in Las Vegas, in addition to donating $100,000 to serve needy families in the community. Oh no…so what happens if you have Bieber fever and LHS at the same time? Good thing we bought this fainting couch off Craigslist!
The new Emma Watson’s Lancome commercial has a whole lot of interwoven messages we’re still trying to decode. Are we supposed to think that, if we buy Trésor Midnight rose perfume, suddenly we’ll be able to pull off a fedora and pixie cut while magically seducing bookworms? Or will shy bookstore clerks see this ad and frantically start spritzing the air with it, in the hopes that their own tie-wearing gamine A-list actress will stop by, forcing them to sprint down the river to catch the last light-up gazebo barge as it leaves town? Also, and we could be wrong here, but…Emma’s fedora is made of magic, right? It is, isn’t it? Well-played, Lancome. Well-played.
Does Lindsay Lohan not remember that she used to be in legitimate feature films? Did someone Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind this woman? Even I Know Who Killed Me must have had a sound guy. However, Lindsay Lohan’s commercial for internet auction site Beezid.com is just another sad reminder that the star of Mean Girls is now willing to appear in footage which looks to have been shot on someone’s phone. From 2003. It’s also a particularly painful reminder of Lindsay Lohan’s house arrest. Is anyone really rushing to visit that site knowing that Lohan uses it “during some of my time at home”? All she has is time at home! She literally has no time that is not spent physically in her home.
As if that wasn’t depressing enough, apparently Jackass star Steve-O and Lindsay Lohan used to do drugs together, a fate that for her ankle bracelet goes Lindsay…again. “I’ve done a lot of drugs with Lindsay (Lohan), but everybody knows that. Lindsay was over at my house one time and she was in my bathroom probably selfishly not sharing drugs,” alleges the Jackass star in his new book Professional Idiot: A Memoir. “But while she was in there, I pulled out my camera and I got this crazy footage. And some time passed and later I go in my bathroom and I find that she left her wallet, so I sent her this text and I said Lindsay, you left your wallet in my bathroom. This was when she was in rehab and she told me to bring it to her. So I meet her in the driveway of this Wonderland Rehab that she’s in and I make her sign a release form of the footage that I have.” Somehow we have a feeling that the cinematography in that video is still better than her latest ad.
Oh, we’re sorry, what is this ad even for? We literally remember nothing from Pharrell Williams Revlon commercial, except for the mind-blowing hotness that was the N.E.R.D. singer acting love-struck in a three-piece suit. The Darren Aronofsky-directed commercial has a bit of the director’s Black Swan shadows-and-many-mirrors glamor, but with more Pharrell where the grotesque toenail removal would be. Of course Jessica Biel also appears in it and looks fabulous and yadda yadda yadda our brains immediately erased her and added our own gleeful, screaming faces. Pharrell also penned the jingle, so when he sings the word “plump,” you know he’s secretly name-checking us. Oh, it was a spot for mascara? Sure, we’ll buy that. We’ll buy a used garbage truck and park it in our living room if it meant we could see more of this hotness on our TV.