by (@hallekiefer)

Serena Williams’ Sexy Tennis Ad Pulled From TV

Wait a minute, you mean we weren’t watching a nationally-televised regulation tennis game? Apparently Serena Williams’ Top Spin 4 ad is too sexy for TV, or so thinks the company who made it. We did think the fishnets would be extremely chafing. The scandalous ad features Williams in a skimpy leotard going toe-to-toe with actress Rileah Vanderbilt, or the “world’s sexiest tennis gamer.” Call us suspicious, but we don’t believe that woman even knows how to properly put topspin in her backhand! Oh right, not a real game. Those grunts are very misleading.

Vanderbilt tweeted the ad on Monday, but apparently it wasn’t ready for human consumption quite yet. The nation demands more crotch shoots!  “As part of the process for creating marketing campaigns to support our titles, we pursue a variety of creative avenues,” 2K Sports said a statement. “This video is not part of the title’s final marketing campaign and its distribution was unauthorized.” Since both Serena and her sister Venus Williams sport tiny tennis outfits, we just naturally assumed we were watching live footage of Wimbledon through their new confetti-cam. We mean…Serena won, didn’t she?

by (@hallekiefer)

Jennifer Aniston Plays With A Million Puppies, Kicks Crotches For Viral Ad

You can use whatever Jedi internet mind tricks you want on us, Jen. We know that’s just water in a plastic bottle. Jennifer Aniston’s viral Smart Water ad features the Horibble Bosses star desperately trying to get her commercial to take over the internet.  This ad has everything: bulldogs on skateboards, a double rainbow, men in glasses getting kicked in the junk. Seriously, Stefon should be getting royalties off this spot. Add a few human bathmats and it’s the new hottest club in New York: Gulp.

With the actress responding to every internet trend except Chocolate Rain, things get meta very quickly (The Double Rainbow guy probably does love water; it’s required to make rainbows!). That being said, no matter how many CGI dirty-dancing babies Aniston pulls out of her bag of tricks, we know most people are just more likely to turn on the tap than buy a particular brand of water. Oh, wait…she named her commercial “Jen Aniston’s Sex Tape?” You’ve won this round, Aniston. Unnecessary bottled liquids for all!

by (@hallekiefer)

Natalie Portman Asks Academy To Consider Her Hotness In New Dior Ad

Is too late for the Academy to review Natalie Portman’s Miss Dior Cherie ad before casting their Oscars votes? We’re kidding, of course; you know they’ve all voted for Natalie anyway. So let’s think of her commercial more of a victory lap, a reminder that not only is the Black Swan star pregnant, engaged to be married and this season’s most acclaimed actress, she’s also getting paid to blindfold a hot male model. After seeing this, we’d vote her into Congress if we could get her on the ballot.

In addition to bathing in her sunglasses and trying on her man-friend’s tie, Portman shows a little skin as she zips up her couture gown. Any chance we can save some of this elegant gorgeousness for next year’s Oscar race?  Natalie’s next big film is Thor, and we doubt running around in the desert while mythical gods battle it out is really going to cut it as far as awards season 2012 is concerned.

by (@hallekiefer)

Sofia Vergara Makes Us Want To Go To Bally’s In A Time Machine

We normally hate going to the gym, but Sofia Vergara’s Bally’s commercial makes us want to get back on the treadmill…in the late ’90s. The Modern Family star, then working as a model, vamps in the 1998 ad, wearing a rainbow of late nineties bikinis,  Spandex, and exaggerated “I love the burn” sex pouts. Vergara dyed her blond hair brown later in her career after casting directors couldn’t reconcile her Colombian accent with her golden locks, but she’s making us want to send a message through time telling her to put down the box of L’Oreal and run like the wind.

Eleven years later, Vergara is spokesperson for the new Diet Pepsi skinny cans, and the woman looks even hotter and fitter now, if that’s even possible. Some have criticized the campaign for Photoshopping Sofia’s profile for the ad campaign to make her arms and chest more svelte, though why you would hire a goddess only to whittle her down to a coat rack is beyond our comprehension. If we could travel through the space-time continuum and slap that graphic designer’s hands off his or her keyboard, we would, or at least show them this commercial. One of the two.

by (@hallekiefer)

Who Wants To Smell Like Taylor Momsen? Anyone? Anyone?

After getting booted as a model from IMG and her future on Gossip Girls uncertain, we’re glad to see Taylor Momsen’s John Galliano Parlez-moi d’Amour chez Marionnaud perfume campaign, which we believe is French for “at least she’s getting paid.” The glamorous, brooding ad features Momsen’s rendition of her song “You.” Not only does Taylor sound amazing in it, she actually looks like she may have showered in the past month and a half. Is the raccoon-eyed singer turning over a new, slightly less greasy leaf?

Don’t go thinking that Momsen’s changing just to please us, guys. Sure, Taylor might not be buck naked, but the lingerie, thigh-highs and ancient-scroll-biting show us that Momsen’s parents are still on that incredibly long vacation they’ve been on since Taylor was 2. The only question remains, will people want to buy a scent that reeks of eau de Momsen? Based the video we’re guessing it smells like a mix of new leather, ostrich quills and perpetual frowning. Too bad we’ve finished our Christmas shopping already, or our whole family could be smelling like the back of Heart’s tour bus for New Year’s.

by (@unclegrambo)

The BBC Isn’t Ready For Beyonce’s Jelly As Her New Perfume Ad Gets Banned

Jay-Z once proclaimed that his wife (then girlfriend!), Beyonce, was the “hottest chick in the game,” so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that B has been declared too hot for British television. According to those gutterpunks over at the Daily Mail, a thirty-second advertisement for Miss Knowles’ perfume, Heat, has been banned from their airwaves for being too racy. The Advertising Standards Authority, which serves in a similar role in England as the FCC does Stateside, had this to say about the commercial: “Although we considered that the ad was unlikely to be harmful to adults or older children, we considered that Beyonce’s body movements and the camera’s prolonged focus on shots of her dress slipping away created a sexually provocative ad that was unsuitable to be seen by young children.”

After having watched the commercial ourselves, it’s definitely the sexiest perfume ad since Antonio Banderas hawked his own brand of eau de toilette, but we remain unconvinced that it was sexy enough to ban. However, there was one thing that stuck out to us about it: Maybe we’ve just never noticed it before, but based on this commercial, it looks as if Beyonce’s got breast implants to rival Blake Lively’s. Just us?

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by (@JordanRuntagh)

Taylor Momsen Will Never Live This Commercial Down

We are pleased to present the metaphorical naked baby picture to end all metaphorical naked baby pictures! Long before she morphed into angst personified and then bitten by a radioactive raccoon, Taylor Momsen was…well, absolutely precious. And very handy around the kitchen, as evidenced by this 1997 Shake ‘n’ Bake commercial!

Is it just us, or does the fury with which the three-year-old Taylor shakes the bag give us a small hint of the pissed-off punk fury to come? Who’d have thought that every mother’s nightmare used to be mommy’s little helper! Will she ever find her way from wake ‘n’ bake back to the Shake ‘n’ Bake? Only time will tell. But for now, here’s a sound we never thought we’d make while writing about Taylor Momsen: “Awwwwwww!”

Your parents might have made some mistakes, Taylor. But they always loved you! You said it yourself. That’s why they made you Shake ‘n’ Bake!


Jamie Lee Curtis Acknowledges Her Role As Poop Czar


That’s not a peace sign, that’s the symbol for going number two. And Jamie Lee Curtis should know, she’s all but the most recognizable face in America’s war against irregularity.

For those of you stuck in the bathroom for the past few years, Curtis has been the face of Activia yogurt, the goo that makes you poo (trademark!). And as a result, she says that people are really comfortable approaching her to discuss their digestive issues.

She puts it bluntly: “I have a job where I advertise yogurt that makes you poop. Now people tell me about their bowel movements every day.” What a wonderful world we live in where such a product exists, and not only that, that the star of Beverly Hills Chihuahua is the face of it, and people are comfortable enough to want to tell her their own sh*t stories. (Hey, that’s what could round out the trio of our favorite shows which also includes Storm Stories and Celebrity Ghost Stories! Celebrity Sh*t Stories.)

Jamie Lee adds that she’s shocked by the response, saying “I never in my life thought that would happen when I first was asked by this company, Activia, Dannon, to be their representative. I go out now and talk about bowel movements and about how people’s digestive tracts work. But it has turned out to be the most fun thing.” Hey, we love talking about poo as much as the next guy, but we never realized you could make a job out of it either.

[Photo: Getty Images]


Luke Wilson, Celebrity Spokesdiva


Luke Wilson may look like he’s turning into a Baldwin (Daniel, to be specific), but he hasn’t slipped into I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here territory just yet. He has, however, been gracing our small screens with those insanely annoying AT&T ads that attempt to convince America that your crummy iPhone service is like, totally just all in your mind.

Wilson, like us, seems to be tiring of his sellout status and is getting snippy at work though, a source recently divulged. Fox411 reports that the “star is miserable doing the project and has earned a reputation for being a diva on set” of the commercials. The source also had these harsh words to say about the actor, “Luke was awful during the filmings – he would even talk back to the director. . . Luke is annoyed that he has to do commercials to make money as an actor and he makes the experience miserable, because he’s miserable. It’s unprofessional and unpleasant.”

Poor Richie Tenenbaum, having another hard year. Sounds like AT&T may want to intentionally start dropping his calls. [Photo: Getty Images]


Marcia Cross Wants Us To Eat More Fries

When we think of Marcia Cross, eating a nice big plate of potatoes is possibly one of the last things we’d think of (we normally think about who’d win between her and Nicole Kidman in a Waxy Face-Off). But the impossibly slim, diet-conscious Marcia is now flogging Rooster potato brand to the Brits. Yep, the country that loves chips (OK, fries) more than life itself, coming a close second to crisps (OK, chips) is being sold them by a woman we very much doubt lets many of those carbs pass her lips. Ever.

But, hey, they wanted her so much they’ve apparently paid her $5m for this ad where Marcia storms off in a huff at being asked by her “agent” to advertise potatoes. How desperately post-modern.  [Video: YouTube]