Contagion

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Gwyneth Paltrow Gives Infidelity The GOOP Seal Of Approval

Gwyneth Paltrow lives by a different sort of life code than most of us. Just ask anyone who subscribes to her email newsletter, GOOP. The actress has famously peddled her ‘body cleanse’, recommended trying the $120 fish soup at a New York eatery, and advised working moms to simply get an assistant. And now Gwyneth is at it again by trying to convince us that infidelity is a normal part of marriage. In fact, the self-described “romantic” says that she doesn’t judge those who cheat on their loved ones. Excuse us while we do spit-takes with the $9,000 bottle of prosecco GOOP recommended we buy.

“Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs,” she told a press conference while promoting her upcoming film, Contagion. “It’s like we’re flawed. We’re human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge…” Hmm…is Gwyneth trying to tell us something?  “I think that the more I live my life, the more I learn not to judge people for what they do.” Is she really talking about “friends,” or is there trouble in organic paradise with her husband, Coldplay front man Chris Martin? She claims no, saying “‘I’m lucky. I have a wonderful, blessed life. I have two fantastically delightful children and a very nice husband, so…knock on wood.” But only the finest mahogany will do. Consult your GOOP newsletter for more details.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Gwenyth Paltrow’s Face Will Terrify You Into Seeing Her New Movie

Okay, yes, we give Gwyneth Paltrow a lot of flack for being a rich skinny actress who subsists on sunshine, flaxseed and a single whole-wheat crostini Mario Bitali prepares for her each day. Don’t even get us started on how Gwyn gained 20 lbs for Country Strong and still had abs you could use to level a picture frame. As much as a macrobiotic diva we paint her out to be (using low-VOC paint, of course), we give P. Trow props for allowing her gruesome sickness face to be used to hype her upcoming epidemic thriller Contagion. It ain’t gonna be pretty.

According to the New York Times, the movie’s ad campaign will “feature, among other things, a gasping, bug-eyed Ms. Paltrow beneath a legend that warns potential moviegoers to steer clear of one another. ‘Don’t talk to anyone,’ the posters say. ‘Don’t touch anyone.’” We doubt her co-star Marion Cotillard would agree to look that awful at 24-feet-across, though we guess Marion doesn’t have Country Strong to erase from the public’s mind. Seriously, Paltrow’s stomach is like granite in that film!

[Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures]

by (@hallekiefer)

Contagion Trailer Confirms Fear That Gwyneth Paltrow Will Cause Your Death

You always had a lurking suspicion that Gwyneth Paltrow would somehow be the death of you, though before today you assumed it would be the result of terminal eye rolling induced by a DVD of Country Strong, rather an unstoppable outbreak of the bird flu. Either way, now you can see your fear play out in real time in the new Contagion trailer, which has Paltrow turning up the sweaty jaundice as the first victim of a global pandemic that the CDC must race to contain. So basically it looks like Outbreak, but with an Academy Award-winning actress instead of a little escaped monkey.

Costarring Matt Damon, Laurence Fishburne, Kate Winslet and Jude Law, the thriller is currently scheduled for release September 9 of this year. Of course, it’s not fair to place all the blame on a diseased Paltrow. As Jude puts it in the trailer, “No one has to weaponize the bird flu. The birds are doing that.” So really the film seems more like The Happening, but with pigeons instead of tress. We warned you: whatever you do, do not let your eyes start rolling. There’s not telling if they can ever be stopped!