Ugh, would you look at those heifers?! Just kidding! These two are so gorgeous and perfect, it’s like we died and woke up in Beautiful People Heaven. Apparently while shooting their new film Blue Valentine, Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams got into some pretty fierce competition to see who could pack on the most pounds…and Michelle won! “She gained about 15, 16 pounds. He gained 14,” said Blue Valentine director, Derek Cianfrance. “Michelle was eating a pint of ice cream for breakfast and dinner and avocado sandwiches all day. She wanted to do it. She talked about her character having a certain self-hatred.” Clearly! Why else would you eat delicious ice cream morning, noon and night if it wasn’t because you hated yourself? Or because you love ice cream?
So how did someone with the bone structure of a wood nymph gain another 1/5 of her body weight? “She ate that [Purely] Decadent stuff made with coconut milk. Supposedly the coconut milk, the oil, has a lot of fat in it, and it’s hard for your body to break it down.” Oh, so maybe her character really did hate herself. We’d personally have to lose a lot of self-esteem before we switched over to eating coconut fat. [Photo: Getty Images]
In case you were looking for supermodel Heidi Klum’s beauty secrets to help you somehow become a mother of three with sick abs, we have some bad news for you. As Heidi explains to Self, “The ultimate beauty secret for a woman getting older is, Don’t be too thin! It is always better to have a little meat on your bones.” You do not have to worry about the quantity of our bone meat, Heidi. We’re less concerned with whether our cheekbones look too pronounced, and more worried about whether we can wear a towel wrapped around our waist instead of all our pants that we can’t zip.
Explains 37-year-old Klum, “When you are just muscle, you end up being gaunt in the face, and that makes you look older by 5 or 10 years.” No, Heidi, that’s just what other people look like! You can’t compare your own Germanic water nymph complexion to your average America woman of the same age. We’ve been eating McDonald’s since we could speak; they probably only fed honey and fresh goat’s milk while living on a fresh mountain hillside. It’s like comparing flawless apples to old, gross oranges.
But despite the fact that she left her angel duties before the Victoria Secret’s Fashion Show this year, takes care of her babies and husband Seal, and is still aufing people on Project Runway, Klum’s not worried about the ravages of time catching up with her: “I don’t have anxiety about it, so I’m not running to get Botox. Maybe that will change, but I don’t think so. I feel comfortable in my skin and comfortable with aging, so I think it’s okay that I get wrinkles.” Ugh, she is going to get like one wrinkle, and it’s going to look like an adorable dimple, isn’t she? We can just feel it. [Photo: Getty Images]
rnrnDemi Moore worked herself into a tizzy on Twitter recently while defending her diet du jour, the smoothie-based Clean Program. She spoke out against an army of angry hashtaggers by saying “I think you need to research what it is I am doing. There is no starving involved! It is all about nourishing the body!” rnrnHmmm, now to us, a liquid diet with the occasional salad seems like the kind of program you go on when they have to bulldoze the side of your house and carry you out in a whale sling for you to get to the grocery store, not when you are already model-thin. The diet apparently stresses the importance of “detoxing” the body. But if you are as rich and famous as @MrsKutcher, you probably already weigh 97 lbs, drink ice water melted from an ancient glacier and eat fresh produce hand-picked from an orchard by shirtless hunks straight out of a Soloflex commercial, so what exactly are you trying to “detox” yourself from? Your internal organs? Your bone marrow? The realization that you are old enough to have physically given birth to your husband? rnrnMoore did concede that the Clean Program was superior to the Master Cleanse, a diet she had tried earlier this year with husband Ashton Kutcher, in as much as it allows you to have food that requires chewing and doesn’t typically induce comas. Which is good, because if two of the planet’s most attractive people have to eat maple syrup, lemon water and cayenne pepper for days on end in order to look good, then the rest of us had better just give up now and start eating donuts at every meal. Wait a minute, that sounds like a great idea either way. Everyone … to the Dunkin Donuts!rnrn[Photo: Film Magic]