Lindsay Lohan, your wish to transform into your mother is so close to coming true! We have to assume that’s your wish, because what else could possibly explain what’s going on in these photos from last night?
After receiving a positive review at Lindsay’s probation progress hearing with L.A. County Superior Court Judge Stephanie Sautner yesterday, Lilos Jr. and Sr. stepped out in Beverly Hill to celebrate/become mirror images of the same super being. While Lindsay gets blonder, Dina Lohan dresses younger; soon they’ll pass each other, Benjamin Button-style. Eventually they’ll have to cast Dina in that upcoming Elizabeth Taylor movie, which will actually work out great because Lindsay will be busy starring in the remake of What Every Happened To Baby Jane? The whole thing just gives us the chills! Well, the chills and the giggles. The chiggles.
Well, it looks like this Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy shoot is really happening, at least according to her mom. And who doesn’t want their mother talking to the press about their nude magazine pictorial? Anyone? Anyone? “The photo shoot went well,” Dina Lohanreported to X17online after photographers snapped photos of Lilo entering the Playboy Mansion on Tuesday. Dina didn’t go into details as to how a nude photo shoot would go badly, but we’re assuming it would involve a bunch of marbles spilled on the floor and Hugh Hefner getting accidentally kicked in the face.
Ali Lohan allegedly tagged along to the shoot as well, and unless they were all just having their picture taken for the family Christmas card, we’re going to recommend that you take a steaming hot shower, and vigorously scrub the skeeve off your brain. Oh wait, think about how Lindsay is being offered $1 million to have a sex toy modeled after her lady business, then go take a mind shower. The only this missing from this picture (besides Lindsay’s pants) is of course Michael Lohan, though all of a sudden, his third-story leap to freedom makes a whole lot more sense. Who would want to miss something America has been quietly predicting since I Know Who Killed Me was released?
When we were kids, our parents proudly displayed our (always heinous) school photos to track our annual transition into adulthood. But in Lindsay Lohan’s case, mugshots were a little easier to come by and a little more frequent. The actress racked up her fifth fabulous custody photo in five years yesterday. They grow up so fast! So as we mourn her lost childhood, we present Lindsay’s mugshots as 90s school photos. You’re welcome, Dina and Mike. Join us in the gallery below for the memories, the pouts, and the ever-expanding Lilo lips.
As rumors about Ali Lohan‘s plastic surgery snowball, mother Dina and big sis Lindsay are undergoing a transformation of their own. Spotted on the town together last night, the pair hardly looked the part of mother and daughter. Sure, their matching DNA has always been apparent, but between the extension-laden bleached hair, satin dresses and horribly applied self-tanner (seriously, why does this keep happening?!), the two are becoming one and the same. We’re fairly confident Dina would be pleased to hear it. [Photo: Getty Images]
The Lohan women—Dina, Lindsay, and Ali—appear to be distancing themselves from issue-plagued daddy Michael by all changing their names. Dina explains that Lindsay, first of all, will just be doing the one-name thing from now on. She says “Lindsay is dropping the Lohan and just going by Lindsay.” We wonder if that would have made any difference in Lindsay’s E-Trade lawsuit? That was the whole basis for it, after all. Her lawyer said at the time “Many celebrities are known by one name only.” Usually those celebs have a really unusual name like Madonna or Cher, but whatever, Lindsay is joining them, normal first name be damned!
As for Dina and Ali, Mama Lohan says, “Me and Ali will be officially changing our last names back to my maiden name, Sullivan.” No word on whether this has to do with Michael’s latest arrest for domestic violence, we’re sure it’s just a culmination of many years of his hard work tarnishing the name. Of course, name changes don’t often stick, just ask just Prince and the Triboro Bridge. We’re certain that no one will ever refer to them as anything besides Lohan, but we can’t fault them for trying.
As she herself admitted, Lindsay Lohan‘s court-permitted return to NY last night was an emotional one. “I love ny – but the paparazzi @ jfk just gave me an anxiety attack…I was half asleep!” she tweeted. “They’re such animals well- @ least im with my family in the end…xo.” Sure, the paparazzi is annoying, but there could also be the fact that she’s been stuck in LA dealing with legal drama that appear almost certain to win Lindsay jail time following her probation violation hearing next month.
Judging from how often she touched her mouth, it’s also possible she was on edge for another reason—LiLo has reportedly quit smoking, with TMZ claiming she’s working with a trainer daily to stay off the tar. Considering how flustered anyone looks after a cross-country flight, we certainly can’t blame Lindsay, who has less than two weeks to decide whether to accept a prison-guaranteeing plea or risk worse, for getting upset.
You might not care about Lindsay Lohan‘s stalker scare, but the federal government…might. TMZ reports that Dina Lohan has contacted the FBI over creepy anonymous texts she and her children have been receiving. Apparently, warnings to Lindsay that she’s being watched were just the beginning—now Dina and Michael Jr. are being told to stay away from papa Michael Lohan and Sam Lufti, Britney Spears‘ ex-manager. Hey, what a coincidence—Lufti’s the guy Dina thinks is sending the texts! Think Lindsay’s skin is at terror level orange yet?
Michael Lohan has admitted that Lufti texted his son and daughter, but denies his partner in parasitic paternal activities is the “stalker,” even though Lufti just had a permanent restraining order put on him by an old roommate he was harassing on the internet. Clearly, we need Mulder and Scully to take on this baffling case. Remember, reverse vampires are attracted to bright light—just like Lufti and the Lohans.
Dina Lohan‘s lifetime supply of Carvel Ice Cream may have been revoked, but she can have Patton Oswalt‘s…if the price is right. The voice of Ratatouille, with permission from Carvel, has put his Carvel Black card—one of only 75 in existence!—up on eBay for charity. The Black Card allows the owner to receive $25 worth of Carvel ice cream products a week for the rest of their natural life—more than enough for anyone who isn’t Dina. Though the winner will get one with their own name on it (you do have to be present for it’s use; your crazy-ass mother can’t go in instead), Patton’s even throwing in his old card as a memento.
The price is getting rather steep, though. Hovering around $1,000 before TMZ reported on the auction last night, Patton’s Black Card is going for $5,000 as of 12:30pm EST.Ã‚Â So if the winner eats $25 of ice cream a week, they should start turning a profit in about four years—assuming they’re still alive.
Dina Lohan appeared on The Today Show today and, true to Lohan form, she blamed the judge, the internet and everyone else for daughter Lindsay’s behavior and punishment. It was awk-ward! But our favorite line out of Dina’s mouth was “I’m not condoning drinking and driving, but she’s still paying the price for what she did in 2007.” Here’s something you should never have to say: “I’m not condoning drinking and driving, BUT…” The thing is, this is the first time Lindsay has actually had to pay for her 2007 DUI, because she skipped out on all those alcohol education classes that were her first punishment.
When Dina was asked whether she could have worked harder to prevent Lindsay’s downfall, she told Matt Lauer “You can’t make your child not go out and not get behind the wheel.” Um, YES YOU CAN. Sigh. She also claims that daughter Ali doesn’t have a website (except that, yes she does), that older son Michael just graduated college (we assume this is true), but still makes no mention of Cody. WHERE IS CODY? This woman is the pits, she really is. So gross. But she should be happy to know that Lindsay is reportedly getting out of rehab early and won’t have to spend the full 90 days in there. They say rehab is for quitters, but what does quitting rehab make you?
Dina says that once Lindsay has served out her rehab sentence, she plans to move back to the east coast. So get ready New York (and Carvel chains in particular!), the bitch is back.
The Lohan family is famous for dragging their kids into the spotlight (as evidenced on the show Living Lohan and also everything else they’ve ever done), so there’s something that’s been concerning us lately. Where the hell is their youngest child Cody? Dina and Ali Lohan have been in California visiting Lindsay in rehab, papa Michael is busy retooling (haha, tooling) his song for Lindsay, and eldest son Michael, Jr. is 22 and old enough to be living on his own, so we’re not worried about him. It’s one thing if they have, for once, been sheltering Cody from the media and actually using good judgment with regard to his upbringing, but that’s just so unlike them.
The picture above, of Cody attending school on Long Island in November 2009 is the most recent one we could find. And if we are to believe that this is Cody’s MySpace page, at least we have evidence that he’s alive and well (and communicating with Ali and Dina solely through the internet – the comments section on the site are priceless). So is Cody making a concerted effort to avoid the spotlight? Does he just not want to go on rehab runs to visit Lindsay? Or is he hitching a ride home on the Long Island Expressway as we speak because someone forgot him at the airport? We may never know.