by (@hallekiefer)

Will Arnett’s Insane Abs, Amy Poehler’s Adorable Kid Stories On Ellen Fill Us With All The Feelings

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Of course both members of our favorite (currently separating) celebrity couple are on successful sitcoms this fall. Of course they are. As a result, Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are everywhere this month, and we feel like we’re trapped in a glass cage of emotion! Take Amy’s ridiculous sweet anecdotes about her little Cheeto babies Archie and Abel for example. “They play like bear cubs. All day long, they roll around,” the Parks & Rec star laughed on Ellen today, adding “They go to the same school and when they say goodbye to each other, it’s like they’re both getting on ships to the new country. They hold hands and kiss each other and say goodbye. It’s so cute.” Gotta…keep it…together. Don’t…cry…over…famous family…you…don’t even…know. Picture…the…Obamas.

Then, just when we think we’ve crammed our inappropriate ball of sadness back down our throats, we stumbled upon the new Up All Night promo featuring Arnett and Christina Applegate:

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by (@hallekiefer)

John Mayer Cops To Being An “Idiot” On Ellen, But Can We Get Past All His Bonehead Mayerisms?

Wow, John Mayer was remarkably contrite during his Ellen interview this week. The John Mayer who reflects wisely on his past seems like a totally different human being then the one who was embarrassing himself non-stop a few years ago. Ugh, does that mean we have to reevaluate our opinion of him? “It was a very strange time and it sort of rocketed me into adulthood. It was a violent crash into being an adult,” Mayer said of his numerous mistakes. “For a couple of years, it was just figuring it all out, and I’m glad I actually stayed out of the spotlight. … It was like, ‘No, idiot. Go away and be 33 and 34 instead of 28 for the fourth year.’ ” We applaud John’s journey down the road to self-discovery, but we have to wonder: Can we really get past all those amazingly dumb things he said in public? And do we haaaaaaave to? In case you’ve forgotten about John’s blunders, perhaps you’d care to remember…

  • His thoughts on ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson: “Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f—in’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f— you, I would start selling all my s— just to keep f—ing you.’ ” Read more…

by (@hallekiefer)

So, Wait…Why Is Lindsay Lohan Debuting Her Playboy Pics On Ellen?

Ellen DeGeneres, no! Seeing Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy photos on your show is not the kind of fun we want to have a little of today. “Lindsay has agreed to do one media interview during the on-sale period of her issue, and has chosen Ellen. Lindsay will not be doing any additional interviews to promote her pictorial,” a Playboy rep informed the New York Post. Ugh, we just want to see Ellen dancing around all goofy in her Vans, no aiding and abetting what seems like the next stop on the downward spiral of Lohan’s career!

We guess now that Oprah has moved on to bigger and infinitely better things, Ellen would be our first pick to show off our new “project,” too. That being said, what is DeGeneres getting out of this?  The moms that tune into her show don’t want to hear about Lilo’s nudie photos; they want to buy her a sandwich before slapping Dina Lohan across the face. On top of all that, this is a real missed opportunity for Maury! That being said, be sure to set your Tivos now for December 15. You know none of us would dare miss it.

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Rihanna Is Sad That She Doesn’t Get Any Booty Calls

Even though she’s officially been named the Sexiest Woman Alive, Rihanna still deals with the ups and downs of dating just like the rest of us. The singer recently stopped by Ellen, where she donned a snuggie and discussed her (strong) feelings on the single life. “It sucks!” she says. “I’m not dating at all. It’s kind of whack.” She fears that her prestigious title, fame and consistent lack of pants might scare off any potential suitors. “I would say at times it can be intimidating, but then it’s no good,” she explained. “I can’t have guys that are intimidated by me.”

So what does the Barbadian beauty look for in a man? “I like men that are more aggressive,” she revealed. “I like them to be sure of themselves and know that you’re the man. I’m the lady and the only way for us to make this work is for us to play our role. … I can’t be the man for you.” You’d think that dudes would be lining up to be Riri’s man, but sadly her career makes looking for love extremely difficult.

“I do put a lot into my job; most of my time if not all of it. … It definitely affects my personal life,” she said. And she feels it, both in her heart and in, err, another place too. “My personal life is pretty much non-existent, which is not good, not for the long run. Not for me, not for ‘her,'” she says, pointing to her crotch. “It’s not fun. That’s why I stay on Twitter a lot, so I can [chat] with my fans. Because I don’t get any booty calls.” Are “booty tweets” a thing yet? At least she channeled her sexual frustration into making her new record Talk That Talk one of the naughtiest albums in pop history!

But Rihanna doesn’t let her relationship woes get her down. After talking with Ellen she wheeled on over to the X Factor stage and tore into a killer version of her latest hit single, ‘We Found Love’. Check out the vid under the jump!

[Photo: Getty Images]

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by (@JordanRuntagh)

Nicki Minaj Performs With Little ‘Super Bass’ YouTube Stars

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This clip warmed our heart so much it gave us heartburn. By now we’re sure you’ve already seen the video of two little British girls tearing into Nicki Minaj’s “Super Bass.” If you haven’t, then your day is about to get exponentially better. Ellen DeGeneres invited 8 year-old Sophia and her 5-year old cousin Rosie onto her show yesterday, where she surprised the girls with a trip to the salon and a shopping spree. But in a bid to become our favorite person of all time, Ellen then brought out Nicki Minaj herself to greet the young Super (Bass) fans! “Within five seconds of seeing this video I was calling everyone,” Nicki told the girls. “I was also receiving a billion emails. Everyone was like, ‘You have to see this little girl.'”

The trio then performed the signature song, and despite the fact that they were performing next to their idol, the kids didn’t miss a dang beat! In fact, Nicki seemed the one most thrown off, especially when Sophia started rapping some of the more adult lyrics. Sadly, they didn’t follow it up with a version of the even-less-kid-friendly “Did It On ‘Em.” Although seriously impressed, Nicki urged the mini-hers to stay on top of their education before heading out on the pink road to stardom. “I just want you to stay in school. Music is beautiful but stay in school, ok. Put your books first and singing second.” Who would have thought that “Super Bass” could get so super cute? Check it out in the clip above!

by (@hallekiefer)

NPH And Ellen Reenact Four Best Picture Nominees In 3 Minutes

Now you don’t have to run out and see 127 Hours this weekend, or keep telling people you totally understood the end of Inception (we didn’t believe you anyway). To prep the population at large for their respective Oscar pools, Ellen and Neil Patrick Harris reenacted four Best Picture Nominees in a little over three minutes, and damn if they aren’t pretty much spot-on. As far as we know, that is; we’re not exactly caught up on the whopping ten nominated movies. How do we put this? If it came out in 2010 and didn’t feature a CGI bear or vampire parody, then we did not even bother.

Based on the pair’s creative take on each film, True Grit apparently stars NPH wearing braids and rattlesnake bites, and The Social Network featured a life-size cardboard cut-out of Ellen. Yup, sounds about right to us. Any chance they can come back and do The King’s Speech? We’re sure it’s great, but there are just not enough hours between now and Sunday evening. We think there’s a top hat involved; is that enough to convince people we’ve seen it?

by (@hallekiefer)

Ryan Gosling In Footie Pajamas, Y’all!

It’s Friday evening, you had a long week and you deserve some You Time. So as you slip into your own pair of Jumpin Jammerz, enjoy Ryan Gosling wearing a onesie with Ellen DeGeneres. The Blue Valentine star stopped by Ellen to plug his new movie, as well as join the host on a recumbent bike in a show of support for viewers making a resolution to lose weight. Explained DeGeneres, “The best way to lose weight is to work out because I don’t believe in dieting and no one’s going to give up pie. Face it, you’re not. So, here’s the thing. If you want to lose weight, I’m here to be your inspiration.” Getting to be within three feet of Ryan would be enough cardio for us. Like, so much cardio we might potentially collapse and have to be carried out by paramedics.

DeGeneres tried to sneakily slip in a question about Gosling’s rumored romance with Michelle Williams, but the Critics’ Choice Movie Awards-nominated actor wasn’t having it. “I don’t you know you’re a couple. You’re being very cagey about it…if you are a couple, I’m all for it,” Ellen panted. “You’re pedaling faster. What’s happening?”

Gosling declined to answer; instead, he pumped harder and cackled, “I’m trying to get away from this conversation.” Ryan later handed out pair of adult-sized footie pajamas to the whole audience, even continuing to bike after slipping into a guitar-print onesie himself. So, what we’re taking away from his episode is that we can all say we saw Ryan Gosling in his pajamas, and have it basically be true.


Jennifer Hudson Wanted To Be A Tattoo Artist

Jennifer Hudson popped into Ellen today to talk about her upcoming tour and the American Idol revealed that had she not become the Grammy and Oscar winning sensation she is today, she would have pursued her surprising plan B.

“My second option was to be a tattoo artist because I like to draw,” Jennifer said. Ellen then joked that not a lot of tattoo artists look like her.

Although the Dreamgirl endured a horrible tragedy earlier this year, some things in her life are still going strong, like her engagement to David Otunga.

“We like to ride bikes,” Jennifer said about what she and her beau like to do for fun. Be careful what you wish for! Ellen rolled out a fabulous tandem bike for her and David to share. [Photo: Getty Images]