The funny part is, Jessica Biel probably paid more than our rent for those boob flaps. We’re not exactly Anna Wintour up in herr, which is why we are completely simpatico with Helen Mirren‘s apparent confusion with her coworker’s frock at the Hitchock premiere? Are this avante garde armpit wings? Are they side boob wind shields? Nipple blinders? Unlike Helen Mirren, we could never just run up and grab Jessica Biel’s chesticles like that, but hey. That’s why some people would give their left nipple blinder to meet Helen Mirren. She just has a certain way about her. She could probably give Alfred Hitchcock himself a purple nurple and the famed director would just chuckle bemusedly. We guess it’s far too late to include a moment like that in the film, right?
Flaps aside, both gorgeous leading ladies looked stunning on the new biopic’s premiere red carpet last night. At least Jessica’s Gucci dress also had a elegant low-cut back to distract the eye. We hate to see her go, but we love to watch her leave! Because once Jessica leaves, we won’t be filled with the overwhelming urge to grab those flaps. Seriously, what are they? Haute Couture by Always With Wings?
Russell Brand has been out and about in Los Angles over the last couple months sporting an array of comfy sweaters and soft, droopy-crotched pants. We’d just assumed he was always, constantly walking to yoga class, but as of this weekend those times have ended. The age of Russell the Snuggle Angel has begun. Brand’s all-white shawl-centric wardrobe is a sharp departure from the greasy studded vests and leather crotch rot we normally associate with his wardrobe, so we had to wonder…what could have brought Russell to this new cozy, pristine look? Here’s what we came up with:
We so rarely get to be right about anything, ya’ll. We just want to savor it for a few moments longer. Ahhhhhhhhh! Can you smell that? That’s the sweet, sweet scent of vindication! It’s also the smell of some tragically incompetent make-up artist’s resume going up in flames after Saved By The Bell star Lark Voorhies popped up wearing what can only be described as a gruesome face of clown make-up last week. Fans of the ’90s TV classic flipped out after spotting a Yahoo interview video featuring a woman who bore a strong resemblance to a Peanuts-style drawing of Lisa Turtle, but we quickly rushed to her defense. We might not know Lark’s life, but we do know a blush and concealer disaster when we see it. We went to middle school, after all.
After setting everyone straight about what specific catastrophe was taking place on Voorhies’ face, we were happy to leave it at that. After AllHipHop posted a recent photo tweeted by the actress’s make-up artist from the set of her upcoming film Jessica’s Journey, however, we wanted to let you know with absolute certainty that we were right. For your benefit, of course! It turns out Lark actually looks like…
Just when we’re forget just how little Rihanna cares what other people think of her, she wanders around New York in metallic lipstick, a bathrobe and a tiara. Oh, and she did her makeup herself, of course. Like. A. Boss. “2-3 hrs Did it myself uh huh #hoshit,” RiRi tweeted today in response to a question from a gushing fan. We hear that, and it’s like Rihanna’s rocking those rolled-down overalls and zero makeup all over again. Or sweatpants. Those beautiful, beautiful sweatpants.
Of course, when Rihanna performed later last night for the Robin Hood Foundation, she turned it out in full Cleopatra gear and allegedly helped raise an insane $57 million to fight poverty. As hot as she always is onstage, secretly we like this dressed-down RiRi better. We’re just waiting for her to slip into some mom jeans and big white sneaks: the last bastion of the completely eff-less pop star.
We’re so excited! We’re so excited! We’re so…utterly confused!Buzzfeed brought our attention to actress Lark Voorhies‘ appearance in a recent Yahoo interview and we are simply horrified by what poorly-applied makeup can do to a woman. The bright circles under the eyes! The eyebrows drawn on with a washable marker! The blush. Oh god, the blush! If we had seen Lark about to go on camera with this face full of clown make-up, we would have made sure she was “saved by the bell.” The bell on the fire alarm! Which we would have pulled to cause a distraction in order to get her out of there!
Now, are we claiming Lark hasn’t allegedly had some, um, adjustments in the face area? No…no, we’re not saying that. Nor are we ignoring the fact that *cough* Larkprobablyappliedthatmakeupherself. We’re just saying a professional makeup person should have been called in to deal with this situation. Period. Want to know what Lark looks like when she doesn’t resemble a toddler’s drawing of Lisa Turtle? Check her out in a photo from 2010 after the jump. See what we mean? It’s mostly that blush!
Quick, someone tell Laura San Giacomo that everyone in Hollywood is jacking her steez! Like all humans with eyes, we love a woman with a strong brow. If we could steal the top third of Lily Collins’ head, guys, we would. You know we would. After Lindsay Lohan showed up to the A&E Upfronts in New York with some incredibly dense brows, however, we realized that not all drawn-on eyebrows are made equal. Or rather, one insane Groucho Marx-style faux eyebrow is equal to three or four normal ones. Lilo isn’t the only one making an eyebrow statement, however. Lena Dunham kicked off the look on Girls this past week when her character Hannh got herself a pair of Joker-style eyeliner pencil brows. Coincidentally, Kate Upton also rocked some unnaturally dark numbers at this week’s Met Gala. Of course, Lena Dunham wore hers for comedic effect. Lindsay and Kate…what’s your excuse?
Get used to this look sticking around for a little while longer, thought. Based on the photographic evidence at hand, we must be on the cutting edge of something big. Need proof? Here are Lindsay’s eyebrows at the White House Correspondents Dinner two weeks ago versus the bad boys she airbrushed on last night. Were we exaggerating about them?
Alright, very funny, wiseguys. Now tell us, who did this to all of the photos of Julianne Moore taken at today’s Game Change screening in D.C.? We know it was one of you, because there is no way our amazing Julianne walked of the house wearing the arms of the alien from Signs as sleeves. Okay, sure, maybe the Crazy, Stupid, Love actress did make our Worst Dressed Stars Of 2011 list, but those sleeves don’t even look real! Somebody fess up to this, or else we are going to have to admit that Julianne consciously picked out, tried on and zippered herself into this frock voluntarily, and we are just not ready to deal with that reality yet!
Honestly, we prefer her totally Sarah Palin transformation in the upcoming HBO film, which airs this weekend, to Moore’s red carpet selection. Or maybe this look is an homage to Palin too? Maybe it reflects her belief in our right to bear arms? Arms that Julianne Moore stole from the set of Men In Black III, stuffed with shoulder pads and sewed onto a sexy gown? Now that we think about it, that idea does make us proud to be an American. Carry on, Julianne!
Everyone was looking a hot mess at the Escape to Total Awards red carpet events last night (Cee Lo Green, we’re looking at you here), but Kourtney Kardashian and former Cheetah Girl (and Rob Kardashian ex) Adrienne Bailon manage to stand out from the rest. Just like their weird ruffles stood out from the rest of their outfits! Maybe it’s just us, but we appreciate fashion risks, not the risk of accidentally suffocating yourself with your own bizarro dress.
In L.A., Kourtney’s Elizabeth collar somehow managed to look both boring and absurd, though if she wanted us to forget that she’s massively preggo, she did a good job. Our brains doesn’t even register her bump next to those frills! As for Adrienne, her awkward front frock is the only thing hovering between her and the chilly New York wind. Not that she cares, apparently. As the former Disney star told Celebuzz, “If I could come out naked, I would. This is just some fancy stuff to throw over my little naked body.” Uh…huh. Maybe we should feel grateful for that mess of fabric then. Thank you, odd beige cloth! We owe you one!
Rihanna, where did you find that frosted lipstick, baseball cap, and button-down shirt tied around your waist? Were they buried in a time capsule behind your middle school? That’s the only explanation we could think of for why the outfit you wore in London today looks like it just arrived from 1997, the last year it was acceptable to wear this many shades of pale denim in one ensemble. We found love in a hopeless place, Rihanna? More like we found clothes in an old suitcase…that, again, had been buried behind your middle school.
Of course, this outfit is only marginally worse than the one you wore yesterday. We know you don’t give a bleach-spattered sweatshirt what people think about your style, but a visor, purposefully torn tee and bright white sneaks scream “junior high trip to Busch Gardens” no matter who’s wearing them. Throw in a fanny pack, a Big Gulp and an upside-down map of Orlando and you could be trailing your English class around Disney World circa 1998. Ugh, and yet you still manage to look kind of fierce. You defy the space-time continuum, RiRi.
Johnny Depp has always been on the eccentric side of the fashion spectrum. Rocking silver chains, floppily hates and blue-tinted sunglasses, the actor generally looks like the amateur magician uncle we never had. These photos of Depp out and about in New York today with a filthy fedora and discolored teeth, however, are beyond the fashion pale. Is that why Depp didn’t attend the Oscars, where his film Rango won for Best Animated Feature Film? He was getting his hat punctured and his smiled professionally browned? You can’t make us forget how hot you were in Chocolat that easily, Depp! Someone get an understanding dental hygienist and a patient milliner, stat!