Gloria James

by (@hallekiefer)

LeBron James’ Mom Arrested For Alleged Assault In Miami

There are certain crimes that only very, very wealthy get arrested for: running Ponzi schemes, poaching endangered birds, hunting men for sport. We can probably add valet abuse to the list after hearing reports alleging  LeBron James’ mom assaulted a valet in Miami Beach. “There was an incident involving Mrs. Gloria James and an employee of our valet parking provider while she was exiting the hotel early Thursday morning,” a spokesperson for the Fontainebleu Hotel said. People reports that Gloria James’ arrest came after an employee of the hotel couldn’t locate her keys; Mama James attempted to swing at him with her purse, missed, then proceeded to slap him in the face. You see, what makes this alleged attack so clearly a rich person crime is that you have to be near enough to a valet to hit one. You also have to be so delirious with money and power to not know how crazy that seems to everyone else on the planet.

According to TMZ, valet parker Rockfeller Sorel told police that Mama James had hit him in the face hard enough to knock herself to the ground, after which he sought medical attention. James was ordered to appear in court on simple battery and disorderly conduct charges. Even more embarrassing for the basketball star, Ms. James was released to Steve Stowe, a Miami Heat executive. LeBron commented on the arrest this afternoon, explaining ““It’s very sensitive because it’s your mother. Of course to have an incident, it’s very sensitive. But the people around me are helping me.” LeBron is going to hear no end of teasing from the guys at the locker room. Or the polo club. Or at the golf club. Or at the second society of which all rich people are a member…club. Pretty much anywhere he goes, LeBron’s going to hear about this.

[Photo: Getty Images]