Gross Things

by (@hallekiefer)

Frances Bean Says “Twitter Should Ban” Courtney Love After Dave Grohl Rant

We guess you couldn’t pass a law against just Courtney Love using Twitter … could you? Only her? We know legislature aimed at one specific unstable individual probably wouldn’t fly with the Supreme Court, but we don’t know how else you can stop Love from making some pretty repulsive accusations via social media. For example, her Twitter rant early this week accusing Dave Grohl of trying to sleep with her daughter Frances Bean Cobain. “Well if bean did have sex with @davegrohl which I’ve now heard reliable sources and a driver 3rd time, its fine on her part, he’s insane,” Love claimed in part. Reliable sources and a driver 3rd time, you say? Looks like Courtney might have a quite a case of her own! What it’s a case of, exactly, we’re not completely sure.

“Unfortunately Courtney is on another hateful twitter rant. These new accusations are upsetting, offensive and absolutely untrue,” Grohl replied through his rep yesterday with an almost audible sigh. Today Frances herself denied the icky accusations, telling Us Weekly, “While I’m generally silent on the affairs of my biological mother, her recent tirade has taken a gross turn. I have never been approached by Dave Grohl in more than a platonic way. I’m in a monogamous relationship [with the Rambles' Isaiah Silva], and very happy.” Said Bean, “Twitter should ban my mother.” Unfortunately for you, Frances, if they didn’t ban her after her first three or four…hundred Twitter defamation lawsuits, we highly doubt they are going to start now.

[Photo: Getty Images/Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Stop Barfing, Everyone! Morgan Freeman Isn’t Dating His Step-Granddaughter!

Sorry, we got this posted as soon as we could; we know how exhausting it can be to never stop barfing. Luckily, your days of working, playing, sleeping and loving while constantly throwing up are over: Morgan Freeman has officially denied dating his 27-year-old step-granddaughter E’Dena Hines! “The recent reports of any pending marriage or romantic relationship of me to anyone are defamatory fabrications from the tabloid media designed to sell papers. What is even more alarming is that these fabrications are now being picked up by the legitimate press as well,” the Dark Knight Rises actor said in a statement this afternoon in response to rumors about his engagement to Hines.  Hines is the granddaughter of Morgan’s ex-wife Jeanette Adair Bradshaw, and as such is not his biological relative. If she was…well, we probably wouldn’t be able to stop barfing even when we found out this wasn’t true. We’d be too far gone.

As you may know, gossip about a relationship between the two has been swirling since at least 2009. Hines also issued a statement today, confirming “These stories about me and my grandfather are not only untrue, they are also hurtful to me and my family.” We imagine they would be. Now let us never, ever, ever speak of this rumor again, and go get something to eat. Three years of non-stop hurling will make you work up a serious appetite!

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

We Have Some Questions About Tareq Salahi’s Plan To Sell His Wife’s Undies

Apparently former reality star and all-around fame hog Tareq Salahi plans to sell his wife’s underwear for charity, and well, we have a couple questions about that. No, our queries don’t include things like, “Dear God, why?” or “Do you really think this is the best way to respond to your soon-to-be-ex-spouse Michaele Salahi’s affair with Journey guitarist Neal Schon?” because really, what would Tareq even say to that? Instead our inquiries include:

  1. What kind of shameless pervert would spend his or her hard-earned money on a pair of undies worn by a Real Housewife of D.C.? Jersey, we can understand, but D.C.?
  2. How much are those undies going for? We have a whole mess of student loans to pay off, and we bet we can finagle a cameo onto RHONY.
  3. According to Tareq’s ex-manager Gina Rodriguez, who quit over his unsettling plan, Salahi plans to donate 10% of his proceeds to Make A Wish Foundation and Comic Relief. Did he plan to take those organizations down with him, or is that just incidental?
  4. Doesn’t Tareq know the end of the world isn’t supposed to start until 2012? Let’s not do anything to make us wish it was sooner.

by (@hallekiefer)

Evangeline Lilly Farted In Passenger’s Face While A Flight Attendant

We want to start a slow clap for Evangeline Lily’s fart story, but no one can tell what we’re clapping about from our cubicle. Plus, our boss told us to stop trying to start a standing ovation in the office all the time and we foolishly agreed. While visiting Leno to promote Real Steel, her upcoming movie with Hugh Jackman, Lily described her pre-fame career as a flight attendant, and the excellent, repulsive revenge she would take on rude customers.

“One time there was this guy who was really awful to me, and I was really struggling that day, because I had really bad gas,” the Lost actress explained to a horrified Jay. “And as a flight attendant, you don’t let that go when you’re on a plane. So this guy got under my skin to the point that finally I decided to save it all up, and when I was walking past him and when I got to row 48… I let it rip, right in his face.” Can’t…stop…hands. From…applauding. Gross…celebrity…story. Too…amazing…to…control…body…Bravo, Evangeline! Bravo!

by (@hallekiefer)

Christina Milian Discovers Chewed Gum In Her Food, Reacts How You’d Expect

And you thought John Mayer’s throat lesion was gross! Well, it definitely was (oh, how it was!), but almost as disgusting was Christina Milian’s chewed gum incident. Note: do not read this post if you are eating. Unless you happen to be eating a big bowl of chewed-up Orbitz. TMZ reports today that the “Dip It Low” singer was eating at a Mexicali restaurant in Los Angeles last week when she discovered a wad of already been chewed gum in her steak salad. After realizing what she had stumbled upon, Milian made a “beeline for the bathroom and threw up.” Oh wait….now this story is as gross as John Mayer’s throat lesion. And it’s only Monday!

Christina Milian later called the L.A. Department of Health to investigate, explaining to TMZ, “The most important thing to me is to make sure my health is okay. Ever since the incident I have not eaten out.” We mean, this probably isn’t a problem at the vast majority of restaurants…is it? Oh no, out of the way, we’re making a beeline!

by (@hallekiefer)

Gerard Depardieu Pees On Airplane Floor, To Other Passengers’ Dismay

When it comes to the French, actor Gerard Depardieu is basically their Tom Hanks, Robert DeNiro and John Malkovich rolled into one. Now imagine all three of those guys emptying their bladders in public and that’s about how insane it would be to hear that Gerard Depardieu peed on an airplane. Reportedly the actor’s flight from Paris to Dublin was delayed and had to wait on the tarmac. When Gerard was told by a member of the flight crew that he couldn’t use the restrooms until the flight had taken off, he did what we assume most A-listers secretly want to do: he proceeded to unzip and pee on the carpet. We bet it was more awkward than when his character sings “Thank Heavens For Little Girls” in My Father, The Hero. Well, almost that awkward.

Because they are fabulously European, City Jet, the company that operated the flight, took to their Twitter account to joke about the Gerard Depardieu peeing incident, tweeting, “As you may have seen on the news, we are busy mopping the floor of one of our planes this morning,” followed by “We’d also like to remind all passengers that our planes are fully equipped with toilet facilities.” As a fellow passenger named Daniele told French radio station Europe 1, “You could tell he’d been drinking,” Yeah…we can’t say for sure that Depardieu must have been drunk. We’re just saying, how many times has he peed in front of a horrified flight attendant while sober? The prosecution rests, Your Honor.

by (@hallekiefer)

Terry Richardson And Lady Gaga Get A Little Too Close During Photo Shoot

Lady Gaga has never been know for her coyness, and Terry Richardson….well, Terry couldn’t take a passport photo without  bodily fluids splashing on someone, so it makes sense that the Lady Gaga Terry Richardson photo book due out in November features some particularly…personal moments. “I didn’t hold anything back from Terry. He was with me every minute, every moment,” Mother Monster explained in an interview with MTV. “He has photographs of me waking up in the morning, brushing my teeth, in the bathroom, in the bathtub. And the thing about Terry, if you know anything about his photography, is that nothing is staged.” Remember that part about the bathroom; it will all become very pertinent in a second.

Gaga reminisced, “He would come backstage and he would say, ‘Oh my God, the fans!’ And I’d say, ‘I know what you just photographed.’ And he’d say, ‘Baby, wow!’’And then he’d film me, like, peeing in a cup and, like, ridiculous things.” While making the book Richardson shot Gaga, and gigs like her Madison Square Garden show, for 10 months, or roughly the same amount of time we’re going to spend crying in the bathtub before that pee-filled image leaves our mind. Oh no, Terry has access to the bathtub too! Terry, get out of here, you crazy creep!

[Photo: Splash News Online/]

by (@hallekiefer)

Crystal Harris Spills Hugh Hefner Sex Deets No One Should Have To Know

We never thought we’d say this but…we feel bad for Hugh Hefner. Sure, he’s made a fortune out of being the quintessential dirty old man, but hearing about Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner’s sex life on the radio just seems a cruel prank on someone’s grandpa. “[It lasted] like, two seconds,” Harris told Howard Stern Show on Sirius XM, referring to her former fiance’s bedroom skills. “Then I was just over it. I was like, ‘Ahh.’ I was over it. I just, like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef. Sorry.” Crystal, please! Can’t you just quietly decide to be grossed out by the idea of sleeping with Hugh Hefner like the rest of America? We blame you for giving Hugh the moral high ground.

Following Hef and Crystal’s canceled wedding back in June, we had a lot of sympathy for the former Playboy model, but this seems extremely harsh. We shudder to think about what our former fiances would say about our withered old bodies and sub-par sexual prowess. Luckily Hef seems to have cloned himself a new identical blond girlfriend Shera Bechard, who hopefully loves money…we mean, loves Hugh enough to keep those intimate, barf-inducing details private.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Thandie Newton Opens Up About Teenage Relationship With Director

Sorry you creep you out so late in the day, but you’re going to want to clap those hands over you/your kids’ eyes when hear about Thandie Newton’s teen affair with John Duigan, director of Newton’s first film. While Newton co-starred in the teen drama Flirting with a young Nicole Kidman, Duigan cajoled the 16-year-old actress into a relationship, despite the fact that he was 23 years older than her at the time and that is barftastic. “I was a very shy, very sweet girl. I wasn’t in control of the situation,” the Kung Fu Panda 2 star says now. “Would I have liked things to be different? Sure, but I can now value myself more for the way I got through it. I don’t see myself as a victim.”

Thandie didn’t tell her parents about the relationship at the time, but later pursued therapy to help her deal with the unwanted relationship. “In retrospect, although it was legal because I was 16, I was coerced.” Newton has said in a previous interview, explaining now that “Part of me feels grateful I can accept the difficulties that came with that situation and be a more compassionate person myself.” Not that we ever, ever would have watched Flirting for any foreseeable reason, but we definitely aren’t going to watch it now.

by (@hallekiefer)

Russell Brand Used To Smash Up Dead Animals On Stage. Stop! Our Sides!

Our stomachs ache from laughing so much at the idea of Russell Brand smashing dead animals with a hammer on-stage. Oh, no, sorry, we meant to write “throwing up.” Our stomachs ache from throwing up. Author Neil Strauss informed RadarOnline that Brand copped to mushing up deceased creatures as part of his early performance art. “I’d smash them up with a hammer and then throw them into the audience and go, ‘Why are you disgusted?  I’ve just rearranged their atoms.  They’re dead already.  Nothing’s happened. You’re being shocked by nothing,’” the comedian explained. Because if you don’t give a standing ovation when someone screams and throws a dead chicken in your face, it’s probably because you just don’t “get it.” Last Comic Standing this ain’t!

While Brand was struggling with drug addiction and wasn’t yet a comic at the time, that doesn’t mean he didn’t crave applause, says Strauss. “He was clearly on drugs when he smashed the animals on stage. Also, the whole show was about shock value, because at the time he was hungry for attention because he had just started out,” he explains. So basically Russell Brand started out as Gallagher…of death. Call us squares, but we’ll take being sprayed with watermelon juice over decaying rat pieces any day, thankyouverymuch.